Today I will rise!

I come from a bad past filled with violence, abuse, and many problems one could face as a child. As a child I grew up in a home of cheating father, abusive parents; mentally, verbally, and emotionally. I had to grow up pretty fast and didn’t get to have the memories of fun that a child should have. I became my moms lean on, I had to bear the weight of her troubles and found myself being the rock that everyone else needed. I took the blame for things I didn’t do, and endured every verbal and emotional thing that was thrown at me. I started to become what everyone else wanted me to be that I didn’t know who I was as a person. I engaged in many dangerous behaviors as a way to escape my life. I never had many outlets growing up. I had very little friends and not much family. The hardest thing was feeling like I had no one to talk to. My life felt like a broken home with no way out. As an adult I continued to live this way, I didn’t know any other way, I didn’t have many friends still and I allowed family to treat me how they wanted and talk to me however they wanted. I wanted so badly to get away from it all.

I have two beautiful kids that I wanted to break the cycle of abuse so that they would never have to grow up the way I did. A year ago I fell into an unexpected situation and ended up staying with a (friend). I thought we were close until she allowed her SO into the home and that changed everything. She was controlling, bossy, took advantage of my being there. I did so much in that house and it went overlooked and unappreciated. At times it was as if it was expected rather than appreciated. My family and I began feuding again, this time something inside of me broke. I no longer wanted to live this way, I felt like my life would be better if I wasn’t here anymore. I was always told that nothing I did was ever good enough. I tried everyday to make things better for myself. The only good thing I can say about this (friend) was that she showed me how to change it all and encouraged me to turn it around. She told me that it was okay to take toxic people out of my life even if it is your own family. I found a voice I never knew I had and finally put my foot down and said enough.

My (friend) and I no longer talk, but since that time I have changed my entire mindset about things. I no longer go out of my way to do for others when I know I get nothing in return except drama and no appreciation. I have learned to put myself and my kids first before all others. I don’t go along with anything if I don’t want to!! I am finally learning not to put the effort and care into others who don’t put the same effort and care into me. For the first time in my life I can say no, I can put my own feelings first and not feel bad about it!

I identify with Beautiful Disaster because I wear many scars, both internal and external and I have finally gotten to where I can accept myself for the way I am and who I am as a person. I feel like I can be empowered again as a strong woman who has been through so much in her life and is still here!!

My favorite collections from beautiful items from Beautiful Disaster are, Perfectly Imperfect and Phoenix. I know that I am flawed in my own imperfections, but its those flaws that gives me strength to Perfectly Imperfect and the Phoenix because like the Phoenix, I have been burned again and again, but now I can rise from the ashes and begin anew!!  I am glad I found this collection to display what I am and be proud of how far I have become! I have learned to empower myself and my voice. One could almost call me heartless, but for someone like me who has been bent many times in life; I have stopped giving my heart to others and given it back to myself. If we as women don’t find our own voices and rise up from whats been trying to break us then we will never be happy.

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January 10, 2022