I started using after I was gang raped at 16 years old in Arizona. I came back to Minnesota, put myself in a full lock down facility and tried to get my head right. I got into a fight and got kicked out. I was an alcoholic while I was dealing with a custody battle. It got ugly, but I got my life back on track and was doing good. I had 2 vehicles, my own place, 2 jobs, and in school while being a mom. For some reason, I gave it all up to be with this guy who was fresh out of prison, on house arrest, living in his mom's basement. Worst idea ever.

I got pregnant and while I was pregnant, he went back to selling dope. After my daughter was born, like 3 days after, I wanted to reconnect with him, but ended up relapsing with him. I thought it would bring us together. I was wrong. He had slept with 13 of my friends. I got pregnant again. We got in a fight and he was throwing me around like a rag doll. I started bleeding. I went to the hospital and they told me I was having a miscarriage and to let my body handle it. They advised me to come back in a couple days to make sure my body had gotten rid of everything. I was devastated.

I left the hospital, went home and got high. I still was not feeling well. I went back to hospital thinking maybe I had food poisoning. I was super sick. They told me I was pregnant, so I explained the situation. They did an ultrasound and sure enough there was my daughters heart beat. They told me I had been pregnant with twins and had lost one, so I cleaned up until after I had her.

My kids dad went to prison and I took over the dope game and took care of his mom. 9 days before he got out of prison, I found his mom's body in my living room. I was devastated and decided I could not live there anymore, so I moved closer to my family and brought my addiction with me.

I started seeing a guy who was a needle user. He told me I needed to try it and I would love it. Boom I was off to the races. I came clean with my family about my addiction and went to treatment. My parents kept my kids, so I could get my life together. While I was in treatment, my mom and I got real close. She finally came clean and told me the real story of how I came into this world. I am the product of a rape. I honestly felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.

The day I graduated from treatment, my parents moved to California. It literally crushed me, so I relapsed immediately. I still juggled the mom life and drug dealing. If there was anything I did well it was sell drugs. Well, with that comes people who don't like you. A chick in the dope game was frowned upon and I was cocky, so a "friend" of mine had come over thinking he was going to get a piece of ass. I laughed in his face. He got mad and left.. when he left my house he got pulled over. He sang like a canary.

The next morning, the task force came and kicked in my door. They busted me with 28 grams, 42 needles, 2 hits of acid, Marijuana, dabs, bongs, brass knuckles and a scale. They also charged me with child neglect as my kids lived with me. I went to jail. CPS took my kids. I asked the police to call my mom in California and let her know what was going on. My mom packed everything she owned and moved back to Minnesota to be a foster parent for my kids. She got here before I even saw a judge for a bail hearing. I sat in jail for 4 days. A friend cashed in her 401k and bailed me out and I went to treatment.

While in treatment, I relapsed and was kicked out with all my stuff in downtown Minneapolis. I finally got out of there and was just waiting for a bed at a new treatment center. I got myself mixed up with the wrong people. I was beat up, raped and left for dead in a park. My mom was called and she came to get me. She put me in a hotel until I could get to treatment. I went to treatment and really took everything in. I didn't want to relive what I had just gone through. I handled everything that needed to be handled for court and they dropped all my charges, except for the possession of 28 grams. They told me if I agreed to drug court, they would drop my felony to a misdemeanor after I completed the program. I agreed.

When I was released from treatment, I was homeless so I stayed at a homeless shelter. I got a job and my license back. Bought a car and got custody of my kids back and was able to move back in to my home. I just had my 2 years clean on July 13th.

Today I am a single mom. I have a full time job as a caregiver. I have full custody of my kids. I pass every ua and I have a great relationship with my drug court team. I own my vehicle. I have a home. No matter how hard my days get today I still don't get high. I have a purpose in life.
I heard about Beautiful Disaster while I was in treatment. We would read the women's blogs and reflect on what we read. It reached all of us on a new level. Recovery means more to me knowing I am not alone and that's exactly what BD does for me. My favorite collection is "What Doesn't Kill You, Makes You Stronger" because I have been through too many situations that were meant to kill me. They have turned me into who I am today. ❤
I am a Beautiful Disaster because I went through hell and I am still standing. I can still appreciate the beauty in a little kids laughter or a starry sky. I am not bitter from my past. I truly believe it made me better. I hope that my story can encourage others to rise up from the ashes. As women we are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Sometimes it is tough to look in the mirror but today I blow kisses to my reflection! 

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November 12, 2021