Nicole N - From Victim to Survivor

I wanted to share my story and see if I can help others with it.

I grew up with only a father an older brother and a twin sister. I have no idea whom my birth mom is. My father was a drinker and a tough love type of father. Nothing was good enough a lot of the time. As a little girl growing up I always just wanted to make him proud and happy. I didn't date really until college.

I have had an eating issue/disorder since I was 4 years old.  When I am overly anxious or emotional I would go days or weeks without eating.  As I grew older i became codependent, I did not feel loved by my own father and I did not have a mom that could tell me what the men I dated were really doing to me. I began a road of insecurity and focusing on pleasing my boyfriends. I hated my body I hated how big I was all around I was 158 size 11 shoes with a DD chest in high school! I was bullied for being too much of a tom boy -- no boys wanted to date me.

I knew what sex was but I had no idea what the slang terms or actions or positions were. I never even watched porn. I got to college and met my boyfriend who after 3 months said if I truly cared I would let him have sex withe me. So I did. Then he left me a week later. Dumped me said he was going back with his ex. Thats when the what is wrong with me mentality started.

Although college I tried to meet men, but becuase I wouldn't put out as quick as they wanted I often did not get the calls back. I was raped 2 different times  -- both by men I really trusted. After that I slept with 12 people in 6 months. I hated myself even more. I I couldn't be in the army because I broke my ankle, my grandpa had died all in the same year. My world came crashing down. Then I met the one man I thought was my true love. But his mother was my worst nightmare. WE moved in together too quick his mother hounded him and I all the time it was like she was raising me. He of course was such a mommy's boy he wouldn't do anything to say no or defend me. When I gave birth to my son it wasn't at all about me.

It was all about her and she started acting like my son belonged to her as if she gave birth to him. Somehow my sons fussiness chart was so high the Dr.'s accused me of using drugs and tried to take my child from me. My ex did not even defend me. Again I was pleading for approval from people who couldn't ever see it. After we got out of the hospital I left to move in with my dad.

Moving back with my dad was mentally tough I was told I was never a parent my father was raising my son. That I never truly cared for my son. That I am not a good mom. I am horrible. My own father put me down all the time. It was heart breaking. So the negative self talk lasted for a while. After a month of that the health issues began. I wasn't getting a period i was testing positive on a pregnancy test when I had not even had sex. I couldn't even breast feed my own son because I wasn't producing milk.

The shame I received from other women/moms were horrendous that I did not want to make my son healthy. It's not that I did not want to my body wouldn't let me.  I then started all the scans and testing but doctors couldn't figure out what was going on except I should not have been producing HGH I switched up hormones so much it was mentally and emotionally taking a toll on top of taking care of a new born by myself and a father who said I was never good enough with not keeping the house clean and keeping up with my son or playing with him not enough. I then met an amazing man who was going through a DUI but I didnt think much of it. Everyone drinks a little too much.

For the first year he was my night and shining armor. He was a gentleman that couldn't drive but he managed his money was a construction worker worked on my truck. Very very good looking. He cooked, and didn't mind cooking for me. Always told me I was a good mom and I was a good person. He believed in me. Made me feel like was superwoman when I was with him. He started drinking heavily again. He didn't like all the reassurance I needed from him. He would tell me when we were at the beach hey babe look at that piece of ass let's take her home.

He would tell me Im not sexually on his level. But he was with me because my personality and I was intelligent. He was super jealous of me going out without him. He accused me of looking at other people a lot. He would not talk to me for hours or days and just cuz. Not that I made him mad it, he  wouldn't even tell me I did not make him mad.  Then, a year later it came to a crashing halt.

I had a miscarriage and I was spiraling farther down the darkness with living with my dad and he did not like my ex at all. My dad and I fought all the time about that. So when I lost the baby he left me. I then was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I told him the diagnosis and he told me it wasn't my fault. He still cared for me but could not mentally handle the dad issues I had and the self destructive path I was on because we lost our child.  We got back together a couple months later. Thats when the mask was off.

He was huge into BDSM and a DOM. The gas lighting started, the what I now know as sexual abuse started. My need to please him because he was a narcissist and I thought he was the best I could ever get settled in. I let him beat me until I was purple although I said no although I was crying begging him to stop.  But He then would fix my entire cooling system in my truck. He paid for the trip to sea world for my bday and paid for me and my sons ticket. He was always the first mask I saw when I had my son. He was the perfect man I asked for. We had one bad fight all because I wouldn't let him do one type of sex.

He threw the lube it broke everywhere I began to clean it up crying and naked and on the floor he was drunk and got so mad he picked me up by my hair and threw me into a table. Then the couch. I ran and hid in the bedroom to try to sleep he came in and got on top of me and started choking me where I couldn't breathe. HE said I didn't trust him and I couldn't think sex was fun. I just didn't like BDSM. I tried to change my mindset for him watch porn and do things to myself but it just never felt ok deep down. Not my thing. He didn't see it that way. No matter how much I bought him no matter how much I went to his house or did what he wanted I never got the sex I wanted in return. He wouldn't even do oral. I thought it was just the alcohol so I went running back like a beaten dog because I didn't want to be alone. Maybe if he saw that I see the good in him he will come back. Well the fights got worse.

Moved in together he beat me again. I was bruised on my sides and my neck. He broke apart my sons bed into pieces than came after me again choked me and threw me against the couch. That was it he went after my sons bed. I finally ran to a safe place and called the police he was arrested my restraining order granted a few weeks later. But mentally i was dying. I still needed validation I still struggle with PTSD and I still miss having a boyfriend. I felt like a victim I tried to kill myself but my sister came in. I felt like if he couldn’t see it with all the love I showed him I was never good enough for anyone.

My boss said I wasn’t doing enough work and I had to come into work with bruises on my neck and after my court dates. I couldn’t even go home without butterflies in myself stomach or go to my favorite places because they reminded me of him. My sister a month later took me to a gym called Orange Theory fitness and there it was an intense workout class. But it was the light i needed. The coach knew what happened and reminded me I am strong look at what I'm accomplishing in this class. Sure enough I am strong. I know I have worth. I also just landed my dream job with the Department of Defense. All because he broke apart my sons bed and beat me bad enough did I see my worth. I still struggle with PTSD and missing the first mask. I am much happier now that I don't have to worry about who I made mad. I set boundaries and my son and I have a lot better relationship.

My son no longer hits me or disrespects me. I struggle with anxiety and I am going through sexual counseling as I cant even think or look at myself like that. But the phoenix shirt was everything I needed. He thought he had me he thought he could control me. He thought he broke me. Here I am much happier a new mindset and have my dream job with the Department of Defense. I rose from the ashes a hell of a lot stronger!  My dad respects me more now. He is now telling me how proud he is of me. Its all because I was beaten down and I rose up with a voice. I love Beautiful disaster because I am severely broken mentally, I have scars from where he beat me both internal and external.  I identify with the brand because I was a clingy broken girl who had no self worth who found it in the wrong men. 

I have anxiety an eating disorder, PTSD and now I cant have kids again.  I grew up never pleasing men and it turned into my adult like where I would please any man that gave me attention and although I wasn't enough. I crawled back because I never thought i was enough. But 4 months after leaving my abuser. I have my dream job i have never loved myself more. I have never felt more worthy or beautiful. I even wore the Phoenix shirt to court under my dress clothes when I had to testify. I feel stronger when I wear this brand. Yes, I grew up without a Mom, I have PTSD, eating issues and co dependency issues but I am still worthy. I struggle being in the same city as he is. I still struggle with anxiety when I drive past his job when I go to the beach. Or drive past his dads house to get to my dads house but everyday I’m stronger. 

I love the Phoenix because my ex that beat me lit a fire under my ass In 4 months I never gotten so fed up and I started making the necessary changes I now am in my dream job loving my body and loving life. I know my own worth, and if someone doesn’t see it, keep putting one foot in front of the other!