My Story Is Not Finished: Paula’s Journey to Reclaiming Her Voice
WHAT MAKES YOU A BEAUTIFUL DISASTER?
As someone who was raised through emotional, physical, mental, and sexual trauma, I come with an understanding most people will never know.
I was born to a narcissistic mother, exposed to sexual predators, and later married to a narcissist for 36 years.
I see and feel more than most, but I am still here.
Why?
All I can say is that my story is not finished.
Hopefully, there are happy endings.
WHY DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH THE BEAUTIFUL DISASTER BRAND?
When I discovered Beautiful Disaster about four years ago, it was during a period in therapy when I was finally starting to see myself for the first time.
Not what my mother told me I was.
Not how other people made me feel.
But actually me.
I realized that I am beautiful, even if I am a disaster, and that I can use what I’ve been through to bring beauty to others—whether through empathy, my art, or my story.
My story can help others.
TELL US YOUR BEAUTIFUL DISASTER STORY
My mother had a severe dislike for me.
As an infant and toddler, I could make her look good. People compared me to a doll. Years later, she took that to mean I was her competition.
She left me with people who sexually abused me.
My father was my first abuser.
Later, I was in a home daycare from kindergarten through fifth grade where I was abused by other children while the teacher left us alone during nap time.
In third grade, I attended a school combined with a middle school, and again I was preyed upon.
All the while, my mother continued to abuse me at home.
In every way imaginable, she became my first bully.
I was brainwashed to believe I didn’t matter and that no one would ever love me.
Becoming a people pleaser opened me up to being prey. It was like having a beacon over my head that said, “I’m an easy target.”
Several times, I begged for help.
Eventually, I realized I could only rely on myself.
My mother had a way of making me sound like a liar and like a child who couldn’t be trusted.
So I learned to shut up.
As I got older, I became determined to prove that I could be loved.
One person truly did love me, but I couldn’t trust that it was real.
Then, with the next man, I decided to go for it.
That was my mistake.
What felt familiar was another narcissist.
Throughout our relationship, there were instances of physical abuse and rape, along with a constant atmosphere of mental and emotional abuse.
That continued until his death in 2024.
WHAT HAPPENED FOR YOU TO TURN IT AROUND?
Therapy has been a tremendous help for me.
I’ve been in therapy for years, and I’m still in therapy today.
Two years ago, I was also diagnosed with ADHD. Added to CPTSD, it explained so much about how I view the world and the people in it.
I finally realized that being different was not an excuse for the way other people treated me.
I’m on medication to help manage my ADHD and depression, and getting the right medication for ADHD was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
For the first time, I can think clearly and reason things through without my mind running in 20 different directions at once.
I think it’s the first real peace I’ve had in 58 years.
NAME 3 THINGS YOU’VE DONE TO MOVE CLOSER TO HAPPINESS
- I’ve accepted that I’m weird and different, and I embrace it fully.
- I’m learning to say what I need and know that it’s okay to have what I need.
- I’m selling the house we shared during the last three years together and buying one that I love—one I can put my entire being into and know that it expresses me.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BEAUTIFUL DISASTER COLLECTION, PAST OR PRESENT, AND WHY?
I honestly can’t choose just one.
Every so often, I look through the Beautiful Disaster site and enjoy what I see.
I wasn’t always able to buy anything, but sometimes just viewing the collections was enough for me.
IN PAULA’S WORDS
I call my light and draw it near.
A shield of calm, so calm, so bright, so clear.
No weight, no storm, no sorrow stays.
I wash it out in silver rays!
What’s mine is mine, and what’s theirs returns.
I feel, I heal, and the boundary burns.
With heart intact and spirit true,
I honor me.
I’m safe and I’m new.