My entire life up to age 43 made me a Beautiful Disaster. Weight has always been an issue since age 10.  Depression, anxiety, no confidence, no motivation to do more than what I knew, work and work. Both my parents died, mom at age 2, dad at 5. My maternal grandmother raised us after she raised seven of her own, now raising her 8th, and my sister brother and I. After burying her daughter and son in law within the past three years (mom age 24, dad 28), my grandmother was exhausted.

So,  "love you"…  and everyday moral growth and growing up was really never taught to me. This ended up causing me to always be not as mature as my social circle, never had the same of what they had. Didn’t understand the family roles in a home. I NEVER knew what it was like to “miss” or have parents it was never an experience I had…. till I grew up and had my own.

My aunts always did what they could to fit me into their families, but you can’t be part of where you don’t belong. Married and divorced twice, always looking for something I didn’t know… love, commitment, husband and wife balance, remarried for a third time. Weight up to 230, on a 5’3 frame. Destroyed myself through all of this - mentally, emotionally, and credit. 

Adopted a son, but went through a year of legal rides. One of my best life milestones, but put him through a divorce…. Worlds best mom there.

Became a step mom, and went through hell with his family, what a horror story. Through all of this trying to stay my best person… my kids kept me whole. 

Yet my job was keeping me away from them.. more weight, more stress, more depression…. Then, birth child (husband didn’t want anymore and I was told I was infertile for 10 years) should have been the best memory of my life.. every experience I went through alone until he was born. That’s when it hit me about not having my own parents, no Kim to help me, no dad spiking his little girl through it. 

Horrible delivery, premature birth, my baby went through a lot for the first year.

Up and down on every diet plan, gain weight, depression…cycle never ends. Finally my youngest ends up in psychiatric ward at age 10, I am in a size 18 once again, and life is a blur. Seeing my son without me, seeing a picture of me at my heaviest ever … BOOM; I broke. Having to see my youngest in the hospital, one of my sons moving 1300 miles away, my husband and I planning for a divorce (still married to him; 3rd marriage for both of us, 14 years together) and my other son becoming a 20 year old father… knowing they needed me; kept me from literally going over the edge. 

I started keto, got my motorcycle license, dropped a job after 15 years of a career, that had me working 70 hours a week, brought my sons home, and saw my grandson. All while taking care of a minor employee who was being beaten and raped by her family. We became her surrogate protective family. They needed me, as much as I needed them. To get me through the darkest part of my life and fly free, finding the me, in me after 40+ years. 

 I changed me and my life. I may be a Beautiful Disaster, but I am out of my ugly dark cocoon and spreading my wings in a new bright shade of blue, butterfly, free living, life. My life has became content, full, pure, marriage is amazing, all kids (21,21,17,13), are home,  safe and healthy. I smile and LAUGH more frequently. I have became whole. 

Butterfly is my fave; it is now my motorcycle theme, my “daughter” who I keep safe named m, the Queen Butterfly, and her my Princess Butterfly. My boys know themselves as my ashes; from the Phoenix rising, that they helped me be able to do.  They all saved me. This clothes Line︃ gives me positive mojo everyday. I am down I open to there page and can smile …. Thank you for what you do for me daily… and yet I don’t think you understand the strength you give us ladies, and now men. 

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March 10, 2022