Meet Holly Doll
Posted on 31 March 2015
What first attracted me to Beautiful Disaster Clothing was the contrast in the name; How things are not always on the inside how they appear on the outside and that our faults do not define our worth.
I defined myself as a “Beautiful Disaster” as a young woman because I felt broken on the inside but I looked so well put together on the outside. I suffered general teen angst, insecurities and frustrations but instead of expressing them I let them fester inside me. I felt oppressed by my own delusions of how I assumed people though I should act, how I should look and who I should be, so I acted out – on myself. I made some significant decisions at 11 years old when my older sister decided to take her life; I decided there was no God, everyone would eventually leave me and that I didn’t deserve to be happy or loved. I navigated junior high & high school using straight A’s and a position as head cheerleader to mask an eating disorder, a self-harm addiction, social anxiety, & depression.
The majority of my teens & 20s was one long downward spiral of drug addiction, alcoholism, self-injury, and eating disorder that fueled my self loathing. My anger and violent self-deprecation took me on a journey of being arrested, institutionalized, homeless and even flat-lining in the ambulance ride after an overdose. Yet on the outside, everything was put together. I somehow maintained a high-level brand manager position with a multi-million dollar company, I was the life of the party at every party, I was dressed to impressed and could charm the pants off anyone – I was a “Beautiful Disaster”.
I finally hit my rock bottom when the people who love me most refused to let me kill myself anymore. My closest friends and family arranged for me to leave my last psychiatric ward stint and be transferred to a lock-down dial-diagnosis facility 750 miles away to treat my drug addiction, alcoholism, eating disorder and generalized self-hate. I spent 121 days behind locked doors with little to no access with the outside world to learn how to love myself again. I learned to eat normal without guilt, how to socialize without drowning my anxiety with alcohol and how to feel real feelings without numbing out with drugs.
Today, as I write this, I am 3 years 6 months & 21 days clean & sober. (more than that as of publish date) I have learned to embrace my body shape and weight modifying it to fit my own version of beauty with a breast augmentation, corset training, tattoos and piercings – my choice to love my body and make it my own has blessed me with a wonderful career of modeling, representing amazing brands such as Beautiful Disaster, being published internationally and touring national conventions and music festivals. My ability to relearn how to love myself and trust myself to be loved has granted me an amazing husband and children whom make everyday worth living. Today I can be present in my life, i can be present in my family’s lives; I can look at where I was and how far I’ve come and know that I deserve this beautiful life I’ve built for myself and I never have to live my life in fear, anger or loathing – Because out of my “Disaster” has come something “Beautiful”.
The people keep me a fan of BD – anyone can make a garment but it is the people behind the clothing line, the people whom’s blood, sweat & tears I’m representing that keep me a fan. Christie is the heart of the brand, Jim kills it with every photo, our models each have an individual flair and every woman i’ve met on the street wearing BD has an incredible story of her own to tie her to the brand.
When I wear BD clothing, I feel like I’m making a statement that I am okay with who I am.
Myself in one word: “living” (as opposed to strictly “surviving”)
Original Submission: 3/31/2015
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