I Believe I am a Beautiful Disaster many times over.

As someone who is over 50, I was raised in a household where children were to be seen, not heard.

As children we were not allowed to have or listen to radios.

We were very secluded from others, so I never realized it wasn’t normal.

I was the youngest of three, from a deprived family.

My father expected Angels, I was far from it.

When my father would have one of his angry fits, my mother would make it up to whoever received the harsh end of the stick, by buying our love.

Being the youngest of the children I was often neglected, to the point of being left places because my mother just forgot I was there.

I Spent my teen years looking for the love that I had never received as a child.

I Found it.

At 17 I married the greatest man in the world.

Unfortunately, I was widowed at 18.


I started drinking and doing drugs and married my drug buddy at 19.

I had my first child at 21.

Then came the mental abuse.

When the physical abuse started, I turned to my parents for help.

My father said “you made your Bed, now lie in it”.

My mother said “I’ll take you anywhere you want to go, But you cant stay here”.


I escaped to a woman’s shelter at 23.

I was Alive…….

It took me a while to Realize that while I had made my bed,

I Could Change My Sheets…… And I did.

I Survived.


The Greatest regret I have in my life was not getting a Lawyer, I lost my son to my Ex.

I tried to run from the Pain in/and any way possible.

I became a Carnie. I traveled A lot.

The drugs were back.

I gave up the carnie life and became a Roadie.

Not much difference.

As I look back today I wonder how I am alive. I shouldn’t be.


Over the Years I had many failed Relationships.

Always looking for something, Never finding it.

Getting Pregnant With My Second Child Brought me home and sobered me up.


I found a Job (Just over Broke), and my work ethics provided me employment with a great company.

Something was still missing.

I tried to give up on love.

I decided to get married for money.

I liked the guy, he treated me ok. No abuse.

The neglect was nothing new, I had known it my whole life.

After a few years, there was still something missing.


I divorced. A few more years of useless dating,

 Abusive Men, Cheaters, and money grubbers.

I decided to try again with the one I could never forget.

He is my rock.  

After a few years together, My daughter and I had an extreme falling out,

That basically gave me a mental breakdown.

It almost cost me my marriage, my job, and my life.


I am currently on my way back up.

I have been seeing a therapist, learning to deal with my childhood traumas, and how they have effected my adult life.

I am growing stronger everyday.


Is my emotional drama over, will it ever be?

All I can say is the road has not ended and neither has my story.

I am a Beautiful Disaster.

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January 28, 2021