Meet Lauren: She Toyed With The Thought Of Suicide
Why am I a beautiful disaster?? Because I'm still fighting to become the person I know I can be. My mother was an (and still is) an alcoholic. My Dad was in the military and deployed a lot. They were split more often than not and she had a revolving door of men in and out.
I never seemed to be very important to her or at least not important enough to be there for me emotionally. It was a confusing time because she loved me it seemed at times but I was never good enough to really matter. I felt as a child if I could just make her proud she would love me unconditionally. This strive for perfection hasn't left, I brought that into my adult life. Needing to present a perfect exterior, striving to make everyone happy so I can be worthy of love and acceptance. Always feeling so awkward and unsure of myself, not really having a strong sense of who I am. I wear my hat's well (mom, wife, friend, etc) but when asked to describe WHO I am, I panic.
This past year these issues caused me to suffer a mental breakdown. I left my husband and basically became my mom. Drinking became important because it was an easy escape, a way to feel something, anything other than what I had always felt inside. I lost myself into a deep abyss of loneliness and despair, I had given up on myself and surrounded myself with people who reminded me of her. It was a sick and twisted comfort.
On more than one occasion I toyed with the thought of suicide, in my mind my kids and my ex would be better off if I just died. I laid in bed for days on weekends my kids weren't with me, cried all day and would self harm. I can pinpoint the exact words that saved my life and snapped me back to reality, my mother and I were on the phone and I had been drinking and she said to me "Now don't you go becoming an alcoholic like me".
My eyes instantly welled with tears and it hit me: My children would grow up thinking of me the way I think of her, feeling inadequate and unloved. I cut those people out of my life and reconciled with my husband. I have goals now, I have a sense of purpose and more love for myself. Today my mother and I have a decent relationship, I am still learning how to set boundaries and understanding that I just have to accept the fact that I will never get closure on my childhood.
I know I want my kids to look back and be proud of their mom. I know I'm strong and worth love. Especially my own.