Jenn Kearschner: Drinking At 12 Year Old and Addicted To Pain Killers
My name is Jenn Kearschner. I am bipolar, have anxiety, PTSD, body dysmorphia. lupus, sjogre's syndrome and fibromyalgia.
I am just going to start at the beginning of my life. It started at the age of 4 when I was hit by a car and died for 7 mins. I came back because it wasn't my time. My whole life I have been in a hurry, as my mother would say. I got older and my life went on. At the age of 12 I started drinking before and during school because I wanted to fit in. I have always been the social outcast that secretly always wanted to be one of the popular girls, but just wasn't accepted. So I started to figure out if i couldn't be one of "those girls" I was going to do my damnedest to be me. My drinking started to get out of hand and I started to feel like my only way out was to end my life. Needless to say it didn't work. My parents couldn't handle me anymore so they put me in placement at 13 and I didn't get out until 6 months before I turned 18. I decided that I wasn't going to take my medication anymore.
I had my first kid when I was 19. I wasn't ready to be a mom so my parents stepped up and took care of him. His dad was a severely abusive person and he took me away from my family and tried to convince me I couldn't do any better than him and I was lucky to have him. I started using drugs around that same time and fully immersed myself into that lifestyle. I was using drugs really heavy when I found out I was pregnant with my second child and didn't know what the hell I was going to do. I started to go to N.A. meetings to try to get my life together. It worked for a little while then I met my ex husband. Prior to meeting him I thought about giving her up for adoption until I found my ex husband and he stepped up to be her father. I stayed clean for a few years.
Then my addiction started to whisper in my ear that I could do this on my own I wasn't the same junkie I was before. So I met my ex and we decided to get married. Around the time I got married life seemed pretty good. Had another kid and then I started to have some physical problems so my doctor put me on painkillers and anxiety meds. This was over 12 years ago, so when I told the doctor 2 pills weren't working anymore he said take 4. Well needless to say I got hooked worse then I could have ever imagined and almost lost my life. I was under 100 pounds and was slowly killing myself. I was too far gone. My ex husband said he couldn't watch me destroy myself and he was leaving me! Holy shit - what a reality check.
I have always carried myself as a hard-ass because I had to. I'm not what you would say is a normal mom. I am covered in ink that tells some of my life story. I have bright pink and purple hair and most days people think my daughter is my younger sister. I will be 41 in May and I wasn't supposed to live past 18 according to all the headshrinkers I saw as a kid. Fast forward to my life a few years ago and I started to have some physical problems. I lost function of my legs and was in a wheelchair for months. I had physical therapy 3 times a week and finally made it back on my feet. Then I started having seizures shortly after I got married to my amazing husband, who finally believed I wasn't being a hypochondriac and that something was really wrong with me. He helped to push me to find out what was wrong with me. The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I was so tired of going from doctor to doctor only to be told that it was all in my head. I finally found a doctor who started to connect the dots and figured out I need to go see a rheumatologist and that's when I found out about my autoimmune problems.
I live everyday in pain and have for years - it's the only way I know how to and every day I get up and do what the damn thing. One of my many tattoos says what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger and I believe and live by that. I have earned the title of badass bitch. I just celebrated 7 years clean on January 19th and I am proud to say all my kids are a part of my life today. My oldest son is going to be 21 on the 21st of February, my daughter just turned 18 in December and my youngest son is 16. I'm going to be a grandma in May! I know this much: my whole life I have been dodging death and now I finally feel at peace in my life and don't have those demons chasing me. I have had so much in my life to try to take me out. I was gang raped, physically abused mentally abused. I was bulimic for most of my young life because I could never fit in. Today I'm proud of everything I have been through. I can honestly say despite everything, I am a beautiful disaster. I am the phoenix - I have been reborn and nothing is going to stop me from living my best life. I was told I will end up in a wheelchair before I turn 50. I said fuck that! I stumbled onto your Facebook page when I needed to. I am so understanding of what you believe in. I have days when I just want to curl into a ball and give up but I accept the hand I have been given and I'm so elated to find women who are like me who I know face far worse things and still can kickass no matter what life says. We are all beautiful in our own mess.