My Name Is Jay Jay and I am a Beautiful Disaster. My tears roll as I recap my pain. I grow vibrant in my pride to be alive. So let's begin. At a very young age, 11 to 13, I was treated very poor by boys. Even my own brother used to beat me.. My child home life was ok after he stopped hurting me. We had our ups and downs. He tried hurting me plenty of times. Telling me if I ever told anyone he would end me. He never strangled me after my father caught him again. My first time ever with a boy was at the age of 15. He took my virginity then the next day made fun of me at school and shamed me by being with another girl right away. Jerk. I only had one friend and we were the goth girl outcasts. I did not trust for a long while. Lots in life changed. My parents left each other. My father left for his biker club. My father was a good dad, but he left to survive. Mom was crushed and started abusing drugs. I am in high school, 16. I had a job, paid rent and bills to help mom because she was losing everything. I finally got a boyfriend I liked. One day after work I came home to my mother sleeping and doing drugs with my boyfriend. This was in deviation. Things went extremely downhill. My mother's boyfriend one night lured me to his home saying my mom was there waiting for me. I was missing for 3 weeks. He had chained me to the water heater and drugged me and abused me. I was found. He was arrested. I came home, nothing had changed. My father called me a lot, and still managed to go to school and work to keep my mind busy. My home life was horrible. I was at my bitter end. Mom spent my rent on drugs. So I left. I lived in my car at first. Then, I got my own little place. Working and graduated school. I had an apartment and a good job. Lots of normal for awhile.19 to 20 year old life. Helping people who end up not being good honest friends. Stealing from me. I moved in a guy a year older than me. I was cheated on when he turned 21. He brought me home a gift a girl never wants. After Dr visits. I was ok with things getting better. I lived with a great roommate. She and I were happy. Having fun single lives. I met my first love at 23, Wes. He really was a great man until we got married. Then, he decided he wanted to drink, not work, and forget about our marriage. I caught him sleeping with my friend. Boom divorced. I moved in a great friend. She was living in a tent with her pets. Things got better. I helped her. She helped me. Then, the day that happened. I got a phone call. It was my Mom. I had not talked to her for years. She said she needs help. She needed me because she found out she had stage 4 Breast Cancer. Knowing she only had so long. She wanted to make things right with me. My mom had been a pro groomer since she was 16. I loved my mom, the dog groomer. Not the druggy. We got really close. Then fell apart. Then close again. She changed. I opened a pet grooming shop with my mom. My roommate and I were training with my mom. At this time, 3 years, I was taking care of mom through her cancer and chemo and breast removal. One morning I woke up not feeling well. I had noticed I had a small hernia on my stomach. I just thought it was from lifting dogs and shined it on. Well, that was a mistake. My stomach started blowing up to the point it was super painful like alien was gonna pop out of my chest. I went to emergency. After many tests and stress. I had a ten liter cyst attached to my left ovary protecting me from the A1 cancer inside. So, at this moment me and Mom had Cancer. My ovary was removed. I had a full recovery. I did lose my mother from Cancer. She fought hard for 5 years. She was that amazing mom I had as a lil girl. I was there for her till her last day. After my mom's passing, I continued to run the Pet Shop with my roommate and best friend. I had found a new love of my life. He was a boy I knew in middle school. We had an amazing relationship. Then, he asked me to be his wife. We got our own house. I got us both motorcycles. He bounced at the bar I worked at as a KJ on weekends. Life was great. Then his bros introduced him into a life of Cocaine and Drinking. This man never drank because he was a mean drunk. He did not like drinking. Slowly, he started abusing me. Started with forcing me to do things. I loved him. I did whatever he wanted. The day came he punched me in the mouth one night. Knocking my tooth out. I stayed with a friend. After lots of pain...I went back to him. We went on with this wild biker lifestyle. Things got uncomfortable at parties and around his friends. I felt that things were being hidden from me. Well, one night we are at the bar and his buddy's start slamming him with fireball shots. His friends leave and he yells at me to get in the car. I refuse because he is so drunk. I want to call the taxi. But, no he pushes me out the front door and I yell stop. He decks me hard in the driveway. I crawl into the car. Crying all the way home. He continues to tell me how it is my fault for not listening. We are home now, and he is ripping me out of the car hard. I'm going to the front door. I try to run, but he caught me by my hair. I get dragged in the house, and he continues beat more. I couldn't go to work the next day.. He took my phone and hid my laptop. He messaged my friends I drank too much, and I was a hot mess to hide what he did. I was in so much hurt, and pain. I didn't leave my bed for days. Monday approaches, he's going to work. I find my laptop and message my friends. I had to go, and take all my pets. I lived in a hotel for two weeks to be away from him. This time he had his new girlfriend I found out about. He had cheated on me before he beat me almost to death. At this time his mom was also passing in my living room of my house. I was taking care of her in hospice during this chaos till I left. She passed away when I was gone. I finally came home with my pets. His stuff was moved out. I just left him alone, but he hated that. He wanted me and his lifestyle he loved now. I was in the process of divorcing him. I started to just keep to myself and walk down to the bar, play pool. Stay away from him, and his bar, his bros.. Then one day he shows up at the restaurant I'm at and I'm playing pool with some guy friends. He asks to talk to me.. I said ok. Now, he wants to take it outside. I'm worried. He grabs me, and in my ear tells me he will shoot everyone in this bar if I don't listen. So, I go get in his car. He yells at me for 30min about how all his crew are coming to kill me. I'm crying. Terrified. He unlocks the door. I run to my friends. We wait a while. I calmed down. He walks me home. We start playing music and talking. Then, I get the call. They are all coming to kill me. I freak out. Give my keys to my friend and tell him to go. I didn't want him to get hurt because of me. I promised him. One minute later a car pulls up. I have the house locked up. Good. I'm ready to protect myself this time. He kicks down my door hard. I give him a warning shot. He continues. I shot him in the leg. High on drugs and booze, he rages at me and we scramble. He slowly starts to pull my own gun on me. But, I just start shooting in fear of my life. My Husband died that day. I gave him mouth to mouth. I called the ambulance. I didn't want to take him from the world. But, he wanted to take me. I was with Kyle for 7 years. Married for two. 5 years of True Love. Two Years of Disaster. I had lots of pain. Went to therapy. Was hated by many, but loved by the ones that helped me through everything. My friends. My Dad. My Community. Now that you have heard my Disaster story. This is the Beautiful Part. I never stopped being my loving self. My first husband. We became friends. I was there till his passing. I'm now 34 and I have a very nice boyfriend. I still have my mom's grooming shop. I love pets, and being part of my community. I help people and pets. I give love freely. I believe being alive is so special. To find the beauty in life. I work hard. I'm a good friend to my friends in need. I Live. For the heavens. Not to feed the hell this world can make a person. Beautiful Disaster itself describes me 💯 I wear My favorite hat Proud!!! I am Jay and I am a Beautiful Disaster.

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May 13, 2022