Tracey's Story: Once Lost, Now Found
“ I was lost for a moment… but now I’m back and living my best life “
My story began in 1972, but this particular chapter began in 2001. Life was going okay, it could have been better, but it was okay for the most part. Then, one night my life changed forever. We didn't see the tree laying across the road as it was dark out.
That night, not only did I have to be revived after going through the windshield, but it left me with a head injury and an epilepsy diagnosis. One other complication the accident cause was memory loss.
Not about everything, only what happened that night. Or maybe it was bodies way of protecting itself? Anyway, fast forward a few years and a divorce later... I had moved to Florida.
I was doing pretty bad during this time and decided to see a psychiatrist. During my time with the psychiatrist we did hypnosis. And well, we discovered what had really happened the night of the accident.
Turns out, my ex husband not only lied about who was driving that night, he also lied about the events that led up to the accident. Apparently, he owed some people money for drugs and couldn't pay them. So, he offered them me instead.
Afterwards, despite being drunk and high, he decided to drive and crashed into a tree lying across the road. I however flew forward, my head smashing through the windshield. And to make things worse, he lied and said I had been driving even though that wouldn't have made any sense where I had hit the glass.
I knew there had been a reason my now ex husband had been treating me so badly after coming home from the hospital. Deep down I knew he was hiding something, but I kept telling myself, maybe it was all in my head.
The physical and mental abuse was awful and I, at the time, didn't understand. But, now I know. The truth is, he couldn't live with himself. He knew the whole time what happened and didn't have the nerve to tell me he did.
No matter how many times I would ask, he would never tell me. Simply saying, let it go and move on. However, it never left my mind. Before we divorced, I had a mini stroke TIA in 2006 that set me back a bit. I had to learn how to talk again. Before the accident, I had been a bank teller. I enjoyed that job or any job for that matter.
I am a people person and a hard worker. My parents raised a good woman. So when I had the accident and was diagnosed with epilepsy, I wasn't able to keep working. My head injury also included migraines and with the mini stroke on top of that... I had to apply for disability.
My world changed and not only for me, for my kids as well. I wasn't the same mom as I had been before the accident. I still loved them with all my heart, but I wasn't myself. The depression. The illness. The medication. It changed me. And there were plenty of days that all I wanted to do was lay in my room and keep to myself.
A while after the divorce, my daughter and I had a falling out and she decided to stay with some friends. Despite her not being a child anymore, I still lost a huge part of myself. My son had always lived primarily with his father, but at this time, he stopped even visiting.
I couldn't take the pain anymore, so I decided to move to Florida with some family members and work on myself. During this time, I realized that I was on so much medication that I couldn't function. In fact it felt like some of it was even causing the seizures. The depression had gotten even worse and I felt as though my life was over. Like I had nothing and nobody. I felt used and alone.
And one day I decided to stop. Stop the medication. Stop the negativity. Stop the anger. Now I had epilepsy and other very real medical issues, so I knew I still needed some source of healing. I turned to herbal remedies and solutions. I did research. I faced my issues head on. I wanted to be able to function again. I wanted my life back. I wanted myself back. I am an outgoing fun person.
I love to make people laugh and smile. I knew if I gave it my all, I could have it all back. I can proudly say, I am 9yrs seizure free and counting!! I found beautiful disaster one day on the internet. I was reading some of the stories and I connected with them. Let me tell you, these women and their mission are wonderful.
The connection you feel with being apart of this group is like no other. I'm so thankful to have found them. I can honestly say now that I can openly talk about what happened that night, it feels amazing to be able to talk about it.
My relationships are great with my now adult children. Life throws us challenges and struggles but this is what I tell myself daily... I am strong, I am loving, I am beautiful, and I am me!!!