Beautiful Disaster defines me in so many ways. I have been broken so many times that I have rebuilt myself into a better stronger version every time. I had a decent childhood for what you'd expect with parents who didn't co-parent and an only child. So I didn't grow up with positive relationship models. When I was 21, I married and for 7 years I was mentally and physically abused. Finally, for my 3 boys, I no longer let decisions be made for me. I took my power back. I loved who I became years following that day. I became strong and independent. I thought nothing would break me again because I learned my strengths and how to handle myself mentally. But then, June 7 2021 happened. I got a call, my dad had been found dead in his home and apparently had been there for a couple of days. A few years ago my dad had a stroke and high blood pressure to follow. So I have thought of the what ifs. My dad and I had a falling out 2 years ago because he refused to go see doctors about his health. He stubbornly got mad at me for trying to boss him around. I knew I'd be sad and upset when he passes, but losing a parent is so much more than anyone realizes. It is especially harder when there wasn't closure in the end. My life had been falling apart since that day. I have mini breakdowns everyday that are mostly unknown to anyone and at least once a week a severe breakdown. I wish I could have tried harder to fix our broken relationship but its to late to physically fix. But, I know for a fact up to and thereafter my dad's death he did love me. He recently had my name tattooed on his back in my favorite color. Therefore, it's not too late to fix our relationship in my heart. Once I realized and accepted this, it lifted a lot of guilt off of my shoulders. I started smiling when I thought of him instead of always crying, but I still cry a lot not just in grief, but in the pain and agony that my aunt, his sister is causing. My grandma gave her the property that my dad lived on. For the past 5 months she had refused to let me get my dad's things. She's a money hungry upscale Karen you'd say. I thought that after a couple months of grieving I'd start to heal and start carrying my grief with strength again. But, she has made it so difficult to heal. I finally have the court order stating what's mine since he didn't have a will. But until I get an order making her give me it all, she still refuses. I am only 8 days into rebuilding myself again. I'm still upset, but I have a fire in my soul now that gives me strength. I'm so broken inside, but I walk with my head held high and don't let anything make me bow it down, because I know this pain is only temporary. I will heal. I honor my struggles, pain, and wear then proudly because they are part of what defines me. They are my will to stay strong. Angel is my favorite collection because I carry so such pain. I can execute it then gather myself back up immediately. Most of the time I'm about to cry but I barely hold my facial expression from breaking. I still get up everyday and do all my everyday things as if normal. To others I look unaffected by my father's death but inside I barely make it threw each day. I carry all this weight on my shoulders everyday. 

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May 20, 2022