You might find it hard to understand what incest does to its "victims," so let me take a second to explain;

Imagine you are a four-year-old child who adores her father. Imagine how that child would feel if one of the people she trusts the most, sexually violates her; Imagine her fear, her confusion, her anger, her disgust, and her shame. 

Imagine going to bed every night, hyper-vigilant, listening for footsteps, watching for shadows beneath the door, waiting for the terror to start.

Imagine lying there, trying to escape, trying to breathe, trying to make him stop. Imagine never knowing when the terror would end, or if you would die. Imagine hoping you would. 

Imagine trying to commit suicide at age 6 and having your fathers baby at the age of 14. 

Imagine how she would feel when her father tells her that she can not tell their secret to anyone, especially her mother.

I can’t tell you how many nights (and days) my father molested me, but I can tell you it went on, on an almost daily basis for  14+ years. 

Most of my memories are very vivid and full of detail of my fathers monstrous acts,  however some remain locked away. 

I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and found myself married to a very abusive addict and alcoholic, whom I had 3 more beautiful children. I stayed in this relationship for 13 years, believing it was best for our children to have both parents, until he started beating them as well. The next day, I filed a restraining order and divorce papers and took my children and some of their clothes to our new home. 

My parents adopted my oldest son, but never told him that I was actually his biological mother, or even that he was adopted.  

I found the courage to tell him “our” story when I was 38. 

As anyone can imagine, he refused to believe such a story, which took its toll on me once again. I got his birth records and requested his birth certificate, to find my name was no where to be found. I went to a very dark place and again contemplated ending the hurt, the pain, the fear that still lingered in my every fiber.  As I called my brothers and friends to tell them good-bye, I realized if I took this selfish way out, my children would be lost and most likely affected for the rest of their lives. 

I confronted my father, taking away his power and gaining my own.  A few short years later, I sat with him during his final moments of life, after fighting cancer for 14 years and let him know I forgave him for everything he took from me. 

Today, I have a solid and amazing relationship with ALL of children and my mother. I share my story often, letting people know they aren’t alone. 

I remember clearly, how it changed who I was and I know today how it created who I am. I have shed tears, yet I Stand Tall, because…

I am Corina, a SURVIVOR and a Beautiful Disaster. 

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May 27, 2022