For as long as I can remember my body was not mine, but rather tossed around by those that should have protected me. It honestly destroyed everything a women could imagine. Prison in my own mind wrapped with fear that eventually turned to normal. Convinced myself this was how things are suppose to be? Silenced with fear of everything you could scare a child with is the environment I grew up in - believing it was normal.
Later in life, I got married and tried everything just to find out my first husband was the same as the rest. Second husband was a drunk and abused me in front of my children to the point where I was found in a tub with a face they didn't recognize. He went upstate due to other karma and I became homeless with 2 toddlers. He came back even after I refused, somehow always finding his way back into my life. One day, I had seen the fear in my daughter's eyes as she grew old enough to call 911 and  save my life. My son hit his father with all his little might. Horrible right? Why would I stay? Well, I guess if abuse is all you know it's what you're attracted to... then things changed.
Not too long after, I got reunited with my first love after 15 years. It's been a struggle battling his addiction. (Might I add he is now 3 years clean!) We have lived in a camper with the kids and our pups. We have struggled and went deeper than any person should have to. Along the way, he showed me how I deserve to be treated. That's when I knew I had to speak up. I sat and wondered, "How do I get to people who were like me? Scared, confused, brainwashed. The whole nine." Then, Beautiful Disaster came across my phone. "This might be it!" I thought. 
I currently bought a house. One year in already. It's exciting but exhausting lol. It's not much. She is old, built in the 40's, she reminds me of our family - potential if given the opportunity! So here we are - a family that made it through hell and back, and we welcome other people in our home to get on their feet to heal at no cost. Some days we eat like kings and queens, others days it's a struggle, but we struggle TOGETHER. That's what it's all about! Love without expectations.
My life may of been rough but that doesn't mean they get to claim it all. We fight the good fight and love moments others take for granted. I hope I can encourage others who have been through similar life circumstances. They deserve for someone to finally make it! Finally be a voice that most don't hear or they do and it's gone before it registered.
I would have to say my favorite item from Beautiful Disaster would have to be my "Giving a Fuck Doesn't Go With my Outfit." It's a statement I will forever live by. My whole life I searched for that approval that was never there. No matter how much I tried to do everything right it was never enough. I let myself go through so much pain because I was determined to be loved by those that should have protected me in the first place. Now that book is closed! Now that I have learned I'm worth it, I will never give up the love I have for myself.
After surviving being abused over and over again, we turned both our lives around. It's hard work but no one can take this happiness from us. This summer I got my first Harley and put a checkmark on the bucket list. We haven't stop riding since. It's absolutely amazing simply knowing your safe and loved. Survival is a Beautiful Disaster within itself! 
Beautiful Disaster gave me the confidence that I never had. To be plus sized and beautiful and to finally see my worth is something I never saw happening. I'm currently almost 40 years old and can look in a mirror without tears and only love for myself. So cheers to all Beautiful Disasters in healing and learning to love yourself! We're totally worth everything we go after!

Leave a comment

Please note: comments must be approved before they are published.

September 08, 2021