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Carrie's Story: With Love & Light

Carrie's Story: With Love & Light
 

28 years ago to the day, John came into my life. Our first meeting not my best moment, in fact I can today say it was the worst day of my life, but ended up being where this story began.

 

I had not met John yet, I had heard about him thru my best friend Sam (the first person I ever met in Savannah, who had a first hand look at the crazy of my mother). I had moved to Savannah on May 1st for college. Sam worked in the field that I was studying - my majors were Interior Decoration, Historical Preservation and Graphic Design… through Sam I met Christopher aka Topher. These three men played a huge roll in my life. 

 

My mother had come to visit. Now, Sam had told the other two about my mother and Topher was the brave soul that ventured to dinner with us. Sam and John (who I was to meet that night) were going to join us after dinner. To say plans went smoothly would be a lie! It was a total shit show, somehow Topher was able to talk my mother into going back to the hotel, and he called Sam and John, sending them to my apartment, on the basis of “he had a bad feeling”. My mother could take words and cut you so deep, I drank a lot that night. That night is much like a movie that moved slow, and I only have clips of it. I was numb, and I no longer wanted to feel. Enter John. He found me on my black and white tiled bathroom floor. 

 

It was a hot savannah night. I started the tequila early, there was an unsettling in my soul, I didn't exactly know why she was here, but I did know whatever was going on I was gonna be the target. And that is exactly what happened. 
At the time, I was running 10 miles three times a day, working out twice a day and eating vegan. I might have weighed 110 on a good day. I had been in Savannah for 17 days. I was not healthy, I might have looked healthy, but I was in a bad bad head space. 
 
A lot lead up to that night. There was years of disfunction, years of pain, years of being a target. As I sit here at 48, I can look back at this time, I have learned to talk about it. And now, I am writing about it. There has been a lot of forgiveness, even more learning to be ok with it, and so much work on my part to cut ties. But that night brought me the most amazing gift. 
 
I grew up in an alcoholic family. I drank at that time to numb the pain, to fill the emptiness, to cover up the rotting parts of me. At dinner, my mother attacked, this was a built up one, for I had not lived at home for a year. I needed the distance between her and I.
 
This is my story… and someday it will be a blueprint for someone to not only survive darkness but to make the choice to thrive and grow and become the most beautiful version. For so many years I allowed others to write in my book, and at 40, I took every damn pen back. I was done…but we will get to that later… for today for this moment is reserved for that NIGHT.
 
I had lots of medication with me at my apt. I drank a lot before dinner and at dinner. Thank goodness my friend walked my mother home. I learned later he had called my other friends to go check on me at my apartment. Thankfully they had an extra key and John was the first person I saw.
 
I had mixed a crap load of alcohol and swallowed a ton of pills. Not my best move, however I no longer wanted to breath. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up. So as I laid on the cold black and white tiled bathroom floor, I opened my eyes to see John, and he was telling me “beautiful girl I am gonna fix this” then I would close my eyes, then open again to him saying “you need to look at me.”
 
I am gonna stop for a moment and describe John. Think Tyler parry, but he looks really good in glitter and feathers. John was a BIG man! He had been a body builder at one point in time… HUGE… John being the big man he is, picked me up, put me on the stretcher, as they were getting me ready for transport to the hospital, he made them stop. He pulled out a glittery lip gloss, and said “wait this queen needs glitter.” He went with me. His father, happened to be a Dr. The next morning, John went outside my room while his partner sat with me. I could hear him “Don't make the Queen come out, she is big and you CAN'T handle her.” There were lots of promises made between John and I. His father became my therapist, and the first therapist who wasn’t afraid of my mother. 
 

I have not NEEDED John in many years, He watched me become something I never dreamed I would ever be. He was my biggest fan. He was my shield when I needed it, he was the sword when I needed to go to battle. I stood next to John when he lost Sam, and his Momma Lou and he crossed oceans to bring me home and held my hand through life. He took all my brokenness and some how put it back together. 

 
We spoke last week, he said things that rocked my soul, what I refer to as Johnisms. I had sent him a part of something I was writing. He called, and left me with “stop hiding behind your scars, they are beautiful, these things you didn't just survived, but you thrived through them and that was your choice” He loved big! He lived big! 
 
SO to this dear tribe…. Live big, love hard, you have everything you NEED…now what do you WANT? Today I will dance with my kids toss glitter and feathers in the air, sing old songs and paint a picture for my children…. Cause they NEED me. Love and light! Thank you for being my safe place to share the hards of life!
 
I found this brand by accident, but I don't really believe that. I think we always find what we need at the right time. I had been working on my own healing from life. It popped up on my Facebook feed. I loved the shirts and what they said! When I wear the shirts, I feel like I have taken my power back. I stand taller, I speak clearer, I live louder.
 
It has become a uniform, we live in a world that needs healing. I needed healing, these shirts, I wear to remind myself that I am lovable I am worthy of love to be loved. I am strong. 
 
So thank you to the amazing team at Beautiful Disaster! You make me feel like a queen every damn day! As a mom of 3, I am raising two more queens and a king! You give them power too…. You have given women (well everyone) permission to love the mess! 
 
My favorite BD Collection is everything! I carry my wallet everywhere…my go to shirt is the V-neck beautiful disaster. My youngest wears the hat to every zoom…. I get stopped a lot over my shirts…. These shirts are magical, they make me feel magical and unstoppable! 
 
I have been homeless and walked away with just the cloths on our backs (my kids were young) We have slowly rebuilt our lives and I have reprogrammed my brain so I KNOW ME AND WHAT I WANT….. I am learning to tell my story with my beautiful healed scars…. 
 
Thank you for following your vision dream and encouraging so many! 

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