Christina Speaks Up
Posted on 27 February 2018
My name is Christina Diaz. I’m 33yrs old. I have two beautiful daughters named Aubrey (13yrs old) and Ashlene (5yrs old). I’m married to an amazing man who has been by my side since Day 1 when we first started dating. I was a broken gem and it took a real man to stick by my side to help me heal and understand things that had happen to me and accepted my flaws.
Growing up I knew the lifestyle my mother was living wasn’t normal. I never understood why she married a man that was physically and verbally abusive towards her. Her choice for men wasn’t the best. She started dating him when I was 3 yrs old. This man was an ex convict that had just finished serving a 7 year sentence and was tried as a adult for attempted murder. My mother grew up in a bad neighborhood close to the projects so I knew her choices in life weren’t the best decisions due to her upbringing.
By the time I had turned 8yrs old the love, trust and sense of security I had for this man was unconditional but little did I know he was sick in the head and had a game plan with me. The sexual abuse started. He molested me for almost 9 years until I was 17 years old. At one point I wanted it all to end. I was tired of this grown man putting his nasty hands on me. I figured I would kill him while he was sleeping but after thinking about it I genuinely didn’t have it in me to do it so I attempted suicide at 14yrs old taking a bunch of narcotics. Obviously that didn't work. I ended up in the hospital vomiting but no one knew what I was trying to do. I let them think it was food poisoning.
I use to go to school with a positive attitude, had a smile on my face at all times and loved making people laugh. No one ever knew I was going through stuff at home. Fast forward three years later. One day I was laying on my bed in my room at night going to bed for school the next morning and this man came into my room and laid next to me telling me when I turned 18 yrs old he wanted to take me to another state. Make me marry him and have his kids. A week later I finally got the courage to go see my school counselor and tell her what I had been going through at home and I wanted help. I was removed permanently from my home and moved in with my mother and her new boyfriend. I was so stoked this man had no control or power over my life anymore.
Me and my mother didn’t have the best relationship and I never understood why until now. It hurt a lot! I would see my girlfriends and the relationship they had with their mothers and I wanted that bond with my mother but never got it. I knew if I ever had children of my own I would break that cycle and be everything my mother wasn't to me to them. Apart of me had hate towards her for leaving me with this man while she was out getting high on meth. When I needed something I would try asking her to buy it cause I knew if I asked him it would turn into a favor for a favor if you get what I’m saying.
At 17 years old I eventually had to drop outta high school and continue my education through home school and get a job to support myself and pay rent. I was tired of living in a toxic relationship with my mother and knew if I wanted change and to better myself I would have to remove myself from this situation. Surprisingly I graduated on time with my class. Couldn’t have made a better decision with life.
Eventually I started therapy to help me understand it all. As much as I didnt wanna go speak to someone about my past cause I knew they would try to throw pills at me I knew I had to so I can understand all the mixed emotions I had towards this man like hating him for touching me but loved him at the same time cause he raised me for the first five years coming into my life showing me affection. At one point I felt like therapy was enough help anymore so I started going to church and reading books biographies about other people that had gone through some kind of abuse to help me. A book that really helped me was a book called “A child called it” by Dave Pelzer. After reading this book I knew my life wasn’t as bad as I thought and their was people in this world that had or are going through was worse that survived it all. So I knew there was hope and it was possible for me to live a normal life even though it would still haunt me occasionally for the rest of my life. Another tool I used throughout my childhood was boxing. I took out a lot of anger and frustration at the boxing gym.
When I was 19 years old I got pregnant with my first born. I was scared shitless cause I was a baby having a baby. I think what scared me more was knowing I had no emotion towards anything in life cause I was still broken working on myself and I wasn’t affectionate at all due to me hiding my feelings growing up. After having her I eventually learned how to be affectionate but knew I still had a lot of working on myself still.
Fast forward 7 years later after going through a toxic marriage that lead to a divorce cause he cheated. I met my husband now who I’ve been married to for 6 years on facebook. Never thought I’d find love on social media let alone date someone from facebook but I said hell with it doesn’t hurt to to give it a shot. Couldn’t have made a better decision in life. He accepted me for who I was broken in all and he knew I still had a lot of working myself to do still. I’ve learned so much about myself and he's taught me how to forgive, love and most of all be an affectionate person. I couldn’t have married a better man.
In 2016 we found out we were expecting our third daughter. We felt this pregnancy was a blessing. Two weeks prior we had talked about closing shop and enjoying life with our two girls. When I went in to the doctors to get my referral to tie my tubes I found out I was pregnant. Crazy right! We went through with the pregnancy and we were completely stoked about the soon arrival of our third daughter. Going into my third trimester her heart stopped and we lost our sweet little Allison. I was admitted into the hospital to deliver and felt like my life was being torn and broken once again. I went through postpartum depression. My doctor wanted to put me on medication for my depression but I refused. I told my doctor to give me a referral for my medical recommendation to start taking cannabis. My doctor agreed with me and gave me the referral which I was honestly shocked. I never wanted to start any sort of prescription drug cause it eventually leads to other prescriptions when you build a tolerance for something. I’ve seen to many friends and families get addicted to pharmaceuticals.
I’m happy to announce after a year later I’m back to normal so I think…..Hahaha! Just Kidding. But I wanted to share my story with you all to let you know that life isn’t always fair and we might feel like our world is coming crashing down on us but know there’s light at the end of the tunnel and never give up. Life is what we make of it and trust me life's too short so hold your loved ones close and enjoy life. Forgive but never forget. That’s the only way to move on with life when you’ve experienced the evil in our corrupt world.
I had a lot of issus I had to work on and I did and I couldn’t be more stoked about my decisions and life. If any of you would ever like to reach out to me I’d be more than happy to talk. I’m very open about my past. I forgave and moved forward with life to make the best of it so I can focus on my happiness with my little family. I love y’all and know there’s others going through it or that have gone through some sort of abuse so remember never judge someone cause we all handle life's problems in our own way. Just be there for one another. Only the strong survive! When I first came across Beautiful Disaster Clothing I felt this instant connection to the brand cause of my past. Eventually I gained my confidence back, felt beautiful and knew I probably look like a disaster to others because of my ink but I love my tattoos and have no regrets. It’s who I am. I recently got a tattoo on my hand that represents my past. It’s lips that are stitched together that are busting open. Basically represents when I finally got the courage to open my mouth for help.
I’m a very down to earth outgoing gal with a kick ass personality. I still love joking around as and making others smile and laugh. I’ve become a strong woman and I don’t allow people to walk all over me. I don’t judge others and I love everyone. I’m a modern day hippie that loves life and the outdoors. I avoid negativity at all cost and only wanna uplift other women. We are all Beautiful Disasters and would love to hear your story.
Sincerely, Crusty Diaz
P.S. A song that got me through it all when I was a teenager was “St. Anger” by Metallica. My husband hates the snare but I felt a connection to it with all the confusion and anger I had built up inside me.