Meet Beautiful Disaster Carrie - She Has No Shame In Her Diagnosis.
Posted on 19 April 2019
What makes me a beautiful disaster? I’m a 43-year-old, single mother of two boys. I have been on disability since 2010. Fighting depression goes back to my early twenties on and off different medication.
My story begins in 1995, when I married a military man. As you all can imagine it’s a very difficult life to live, so I just contributed my depression to our life style. Trying different medications and postpartum not help. I was always on an emotional roller coaster. I felt alone and far away from home. Too add to our chaos, my than husband came home from war with what we would soon learn, he was suffering from PTSD. His abuse was not only physical, but verbal. It was breaking me down faster than I could pick myself back up. So, I identify with the beautiful disaster brand, because people always want to judge the book by the cover. Through my ups and downs, I would get so tried of hearing, “your so beautiful and stronger than that!”
Life changed in 2007, when I took a huge step after thirteen years of marriage I left my husband. The abuse, verbal abuse and depression had taken a toll. After being a stay at home mother for thirteen years, now going out on my own with two boys. I found myself crying every morning on my way to work. It’s just unexplainable some days, the amount of emotions one can feels. Now I am having to leave my children crying with people they did not even know, but it’s all for the best? Explain, that to a one year old. Instead of getting better, I felt like my world was falling apart. By 2010, I had lost two jobs and my body had enough. “Break down”, I had never thought about taking my own life since I had my first son. But that day, not even my boys were enough.
I am very thankful I met a doctor that saved me, and I see him still to this day. I was not on the right medication. It took some time and I finally was able to get a full night sleep. I could focus on my boys and my recovery without worrying about work. One step at a time, he said. Don’t get me wrong. There are some hard days, sometimes it can be a week. I know how to identify when the waves are coming, how it feels and what to expect.
Today, I work with special educated children part-time. I am going through my steps to get back to work full-time. I have no shame in my diagnoses of bipolar, I had always felt alone and embarrassed. I would rather be open and help someone today. Than a life lost any day! My biggest supports today are my ex-husband and my boys.
I wear my beautiful disaster clothing as a reminder, “I’m not alone, love myself and never be ashamed of my mental health illness.” It does not define me!