My life has been a disaster, but a beautiful one. So many people roll their eyes at me and call me crazy when I tell them how it became the most beautiful journey because that's how I came to know Jesus. And, if I would have to do it all over again just to know Him, I would. He has given me the strength to go on.  So many people throw me away after I mention His name, but if you would please just give me a chance I will explain.

I grew up in neglect and abuse. Both my parents molested me and social services failed me, leaving me in the home of pedophiles and alcoholism etc. until I was of age to leave. I tried to go to college, but by the time I got there I was so damaged I had a nervous breakdown. I felt that as if my whole introduction to life was all just abuse and pain for 19 years of prison for being born, so then I didn't want anything to do with it. I felt I could never get better and living a life like this for another 40-50 years was too much to bear. So, I tried to commit suicide, but kept surviving my attempts though they were extreme and severe. One time I even had my lungs collapse and was on life support, but I still couldn't seem to die. I, then, thought God was cruel to not let me die, letting me nearly live in only misery, just nearly holding on. I was soooooo angry at God for the life I had to live and now He wouldn't even let me die. I lived in the mental hospital for 2 years because every time they let me out I went on a suicide mission. But, then again, I just wouldn't die... not even a scratch no liver damage. Nothing. Just miracles. Miracles I didn't want. 


What happened for me to turn it around was I finally realized God wasn't going to let me die. I must have a purpose with all these miracles happening in my life!!! I remember thinking to myself if I'm going to live, then I'm not going to live like this!!!!! So I said no!! To my depression, I said no!! Every second to every minute to every hour then to every day!! One day at a time I said no to it!!!!! Until it finally left me enough to be released from hospital to stop my suicide attempts---- That's why I like the shirt from Beautiful Disaster that says, "Living My Best Life, One Day At A Time". 


I have left my abusive family, but have gotten into abusive relationships with men, one who held me a gun point and who tried to kill me. He ended up committing suicide which freed me from him as he would not let me go. I found in counseling that I was beginning to play out my childhood abuse into my adulthood and I needed to learn how to stop. I worked hard in counseling to figure it all out, but not before I ended up getting raped and made pregnant by the rape. I forgave my rapist and am sad. I am embarrassed to say how messed up I was 17 years ago that I thought forgiveness meant you go back to the person. He said all the right things and manipulated me. I actually married him instead of putting him in jail. He sexually and physically abused me and I had my son. I left with my child and to make a long story short, he said as long as I don't ask for any money in the divorce or for any child support, he would let me have full custody of my baby - no problems from him. So, I left everything and took my baby. 


I now am living on disability for PTSD.  I couldn't survive and provide for us. I have been on disability since I was 19 and don't have enough work points to get money for my children, but he doesn't care if we don't have anything. I was afraid he would lose his mind and kill me if I asked for a dime, so I gave up the money to choose life, freedom and my child. The rent was 95% of my income. I don't know how we survived, but we did by the grace of God. 


Sadly, I got brave and asked for child support. I was still suffering greatly from my past and from the abusive marriage on top of it that I had just gotten out of. We had a very bad guardian who said I was a mental case, not understanding battered wife syndrome which my doctor said I had and PTSD. And she wouldn't believe me that he was abusive because I never pressed charges, He got a new wife and she did and said everything he told her to in court (lies out of fear). He was made out to be Superman and me - a lying mental case. They gave my baby to him, the rapist, and it's all my fault. I should have pressed charges on everything he did and I shouldn't have asked for child support knowing if I asked for money he would try and take my baby. 


I have nightmares still that I'm trying to hold my baby and he comes and takes him and won't let me hold him. I got visitation of every other weekend, but that's not a mom - that's a joke. My son has gotten use to being without me and he is now 15. He has learned his dad's ways and has become very angry and violent. 


I am left with debt from living off credit cards and bankruptcy from bad lawyers trying to survive since he left us on the street with nothing. I am now renting rooms, moving from one bad situation to another just trying to pay debt, so one day I can have my own place. I just moved from renting one room because my roommates did drugs, so I left there. Now I'm renting and my new roommate cusses at me, cuts me down, is negative and is always trying to take from me and I don't even have. My dream is to one day pay off my debt and maybe I could have a RV big enough where my 2 kids could come live with me if the need, but not too big, so I can drive it and leave a place if I need to. Have some chickens in a nice coop. Maybe a very small piece of land here, so I can park it and no one can control me -- then I could wear your BD shirt that says, "No Longer Asking For Permission"!! Because there's no one to abuse me or boss me around anymore. 

My abusive roommate that rents a room in the same house as I do has stolen my social security number and sold it. I’ve worked so hard to get my credit straight, so one day I could live in a non abusive situation now she is messing that up for me. I can’t even buy toilet paper for this month because I had to buy to help protect my identity and social security number. I also had to buy a 6 month P.O. Box which cost $65 because she was stealing my mail to get my information. Anyway, my faith is still strong. I really need to stay here because my rent is low and I’m trying to get out of debt from being poor from being on disability. Either way my faith is strong.

Life for me now is a joyful struggle.  I look back and see how far I've come. I feel complete without a man now and realize I don't need a relationship to be happy. I can say no and know that forgiveness doesn't mean you have to go back, it's a matter of the heart. I've found that one of my favorite shirts from BD is "Glow Through What You Go Through" because I have found in life that all the while when I though God was cruel and not there for me and wouldn't let me die, actually He was there the whole time loving me through it, not listening to a terrible thing I said to Him, but forgiving me for my hate and understanding saving my life because me and my life are not just a disaster, it is a beautiful disaster that has lessons in it to make a difference in others lives. So, I might as well be happy sitting through the rough rides too because it's all so I have greater glory and purpose, so why bother complaining just glow through what you go through!!!

I've decided what I wanted to do with the things that's happened to me in my life and I know it's not my fault what's happened to me, but it's my fault what I do with it. I've gone back to college to become a chaplain I want to work or volunteer the best I can at the VA hospital and help the military men and women from war with PTSD. I know I did not fight in a physical war but I fought in many different kinds of wars of life. I can relate with their pain and show them the light that Jesus showed me and go into many dark places with people that most people are afraid to go into to show them the way out. For I too know that just when the butterfly thought life was over, she let go of her past and began to fly. 


I identify with the Beautiful Disaster brand because it puts the strength of my emotions into the perfect words and validates me which is something I have longed for and not had a lot of. It also makes me realize I am not alone!!! THANK YOU!! 

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February 11, 2022