Well, lets be honest.. I wasn't a child that dreamt of growing up and being a product of child molestation, abuse, traumatic rape, and then child exploitation. Not once did i play with Barbie dolls thinking that in a few years I'd leave these possessions behind to run away from the mental demons that haunted me. Yet, here I am. 
I stuck a bandaid on my past memories and my pain and pretended like I was fine. I was desperate to forget the things that I had to do as a child just to survive in the world. But this facade tragically ended in October 2020.
 The person who always protected me, loved me, and saw in me what I didn't see, my irish-twin, had passed away after a  similar bandaid that she used  like me had grown too weak to hold together. 
My world crumbled.  She was my other half. This was THE ONE person I couldn't lose. And she's gone like that. I watched her pass helplessly in a hospital while my family mourned.
It didn't take long for my demons to catch back up to me and within 6 months I was in ICU with liver failure and I was having the hospital chaplain come to my room in the ICU to make sure I was spiritually right. The Dr's gave me a death sentence just like they did my sister. I didn't want to survive. I wanted to be with my sister. When they say a twin knows when something is wrong with the other.. this is 100% true. 
My kids were the catalyst to get me to fight, and my stubbornness to prove the condescending Dr's wrong gave me fuel to get thru the next phase of my life. 
I went onto UNOS to look for a liver after I showed them I was stronger than their text books and experience had predicted.. All this why I am still mourning my sister. 
It hasn't been easy. I've been in and out of the hospital during this process and had to learn to value myself despite what jackasses might say. 
I found Beautiful Disaster while waiting in the hospital and instantly fell in love. It gives me strength knowing that ya, I'm broken, but I'm beautifully broken and I won't let anyone predict who I am or my future.
To this day I wear all my clothing and my purse to all my appointments and even bring comfort items during hospital stays as a constant reminder and also great talking point with all the other patients, nurses, and doctors. (It gets lonely in there!) 

I am now with a new liver as of 6/6/22 thanks to a beautiful person who re- affirmed that I AM WORTH IT. 
Recovery isn't easy - but I have some badass clothes I'm dying to put on and strut my stuff in once I'm healed.  
The one personal quote I did live by during this process when I was scared as Sh*t (and please don't jack it from me without telling me ) is.. 
"I will live my life LOUD so that not even death/fear can silence me." 
I hope everyone lives a LOUD Beautiful Disaster life because each of you are worth so much. 
Be loud. Be proud. Be a Beautiful f*cking Disaster ! 

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December 08, 2022