My name is Suzanne but most call me Suzie! I am a divorced/single Mother of 3 beautiful kids! C.J. My only son is 16, My Lilly is 9 and baby girl Sunny is 6! 

I work overnights to support us...I work as little as 40 hours and as many as 60!! I run off fumes and caffeine lol. Despite the loss and abuse I've experienced in life I'm a very positive person with a zest for living!!! I have gone without - so I appreciate every little thing I have and take pics of this beautiful Colorado sky daily!! It's so peaceful here!! The beauty around me keeps me grounded! Even though I work a hard labor job stocking the largest grocery store in my city...I love to be a woman and get all dolled up!

I'm starting to learn to love myself a whole lot more the longer I'm away from my ex of 3 1/2 years. I left him feeling less than the beautiful happy feminine woman I was when we met!! I always had to have my guard up and could never escape the anxiety I felt...Not knowing what mood he was gonna wake up in or what tiny petty thing was going to piss him off. I believe people who walk this earth angry are so sadly wasting their whole life being mad. I tried to be the light in his life but in turn he became a thick black blanket of suffocating smog over me and my family!! It was so sad because the person I loved for years, the person that was my calm after the storm became my every day storm! I would work 10-12 hrs overnight and come home with my headphones on and clean quietly because I didn't ever want to open the bedroom door. He was so unpredictable and yes you guessed it..He'd wake up so angry that I didn't come in the room! I couldn't wait to be away from him! So I could stop being a soldier who fights back and just be a woman again, find my softer side again! Since I moved him here with me from out of state...He wouldn't leave! I had to let the eviction process go through willingly so he knew I was serious. Up until the very last day, he was begging to leave with us! I stood my ground and did that entire move my damn self!! Stairs and all at both places JUST so I could be free of him! I experienced way too much horribly scary domestic violence but he turned me into a fighter who would take NO MORE SHIT! From anyone!! lol That's probably the only positive!! I learned my worth, knew my kids and I deserved better!!

On January 18th 2019 I took my life back!!! I moved my kids and I to a beautiful apartment that by the grace of God, accepted my less than perfect credit! Lol The view is breath taking! I've learned PTSD is very real when you're a domestic violence survivor! There was a couple times when I first moved in that he was texting me and I was in the bath...Saying such foul things to me...I looked at my plastic stacker beside my toilet with my makeup in it and I don't know what happened but I popped up so frantically in the bath and for a minute I thought I was in my old place because that's where the stacker was there too! I jumped up and couldn't breathe, fear came over me as I thought for a minute I was at the old apartment with him and he was texting me from our bedroom!!! It was so scary! I had to tell myself out loud "You're ok!" "You're in a different place and you're safe!" The horrible things he'd call me or say he was going to do to me still randomly pops in my head! So, I know there's definitely been a lot of emotional damage from the roller coaster ride I was on where we couldn't have 3 straight days of peace! It was never more than two days...This pattern before the honeymoon stage! 
But I made it OUT alive!! Had I stayed...I would have lost my life by his hand or my own! These were dark times!! He still doesn't know where we live and I just wish I'd left sooner! I'm really trying to show my kids the peace and joy we all deserve and I beat myself up daily over my poor choice in men who are Prince Charming until 6 months in..They turn into monsters! 

I don't consider myself a victim! I am VICTORIOUS!!! I am laughing more and anxiety has gone way down! I am a recovering addict and this August will be 4 years clean from IV meth use...I am not that same person at all!! She is my past and my PAST does not define me!! That's what I want anyone who's got a dark past...YOU ARE THE LIGHT AND THE LIGHT IS WITHIN YOU! I do not count my days of being clean! I don't crave a drug I hated and was forced to do by another ex until I became a full time user and lost everything!! I got clean/dope sick all alone... I temporarily didn't have my kids and that was my drive!!! No substance is more important than them..I attended 2 NA meetings a week, worked full time and went to 1 domestic violence class and one parenting class a week! I got my babies back 2 months later and haven't touched that crap since!!! 

I lost my Dad when I was 16 to suicide and I believe to this day...The day he walked out that door and never came home had truly given me abandonment issues. Yet when I'm done in a relationship...I'm the abandoner! I leave without notice and don't look back. Hmmm Life is strange! I am very tough and I've heard that my entire life but it's a phrase that I learned to resent! Sure I'm strong! I had no choice to be any other way!! I've always lived away from family in another state and that's made life tough!! On a positive note because I always see the message, lesson in a situation....I've learned that family isn't always blood and in some cases, well most cases in my life...My friends have always been my compassionate angels that hated to see me hurt or struggle, they helped in any way they could and I am forever grateful but it's nice to not NEED anyone for ANYTHING!!! 
I have a great job and I'm finally NOT struggling! NOT having to get myself out of a dark place in my mind!! 

Very early on..From constant disappointments in my life, I've found strength in being alone! Hell! I beat a drug addiction alone!! In the end all we have is ourselves and being a nurturing caregiver, it's in my nature to put others first! I am now learning if I don't love ME first...I'll have nothing left to give to anyone!! I feel pretty again, I can hold my head up high now because I am finally LIVING!! 
This is my first time in 13 years between a failed marriage and two extremely toxic relationships that I am SINGLE! My daughters hate me being alone and say I need a boyfriend so I'm not lonely...I make sure to correct them and say, "Mommy is ALONE but not LONELY and I don't NEED a man to make me happy or complete me!!!" I remind them I have them and that's all I need! I have ME again and my story isn't over...Just have a lot of scary, eventful chapters I can revisit in my mind if I choose to...But I don't think I will...Instead I will live for TODAY and look forward to tomorrow always!!! 
I am BLESSED and just so grateful to be able to share my story and hopefully help at the very least one person who hasn't gotten out of that toxic relationship or hasn't been successful or even wanted to stop using, who hasn't been able to hold their head high or know their worth!! My shoulders were built for the load but a person gets tired... I'm taking the lessons and running with them because I know without a doubt...The very BEST days have yet to come!! Pretty exciting when you look at it that way!!! 
Thank you for reading my story....It doesn't end here..... I say proudly... I am a beautiful disaster!!

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February 20, 2020