I am…

I saw this line come out and I looked at the image through a blur of tears and memories.   It was a matter of minutes before I had texted it to my friends, my husband, my therapist…all of them saying "That's YOU".

But it hasn't always been me…maybe inside she was there, safe and sound…when he took the knife and stabbed the bill to the wall next to my head to make me stop asking about the overdue bills.   I can still feel the tense shoulders and the creepy crawly skin I get when I think he is lying and I am going to pay some price for it.   My hands still twitch uncontrollably when the fear sets in; I'm not afraid of him.  I was never afraid of him.  He never left a mark; not one you could see anyway.   

He would hurl accusations of infidelity all the while hiring his own prostitutes to meet him on nights he was supposedly working out at the gym.  He flung dirt at me for having friends, male or female from work; and his work parties turned into overnights that I would calmly lie to our three children of his whereabouts.   

It takes the average domestic abuse victim 7 times to get out…it took me 3.  But one was by way of the psych ward of a hospital where I took the route to end all the pain I felt.  Thank God for people who took me after i had severed my own wings and allowed me time to find the light again.   

I moved into a small apartment with nothing…he had taken all the money, I could only get out with the kids and clothes before the neighbors reported to him I was packing the car.   I tried calling the police…but he was one of the thin blue line, and they stood by him while I took the hands of my kids and left with what we had.   

There were miracles: the church that showed up with bags of groceries to donate (they were just going door to door), the manager of the salvation army that turned my $200 into three beds and a couch so all of us had a place to sleep, the first Christmas when I made blankets for the kids and the power went out so we all just bundled up and stayed warm…

Where am I now?   I married a wonderful man that swore he would never marry again just like me…so we bought a house together and got married in the backyard.   We got a slushie truck for the neighborhood kids…we spend time just being who we are together.   He loves my scars, my crazy, my beautiful disaster.   He is the one that ordered clothes for me…I could never bring myself to…Icould accept the disaster, but not the beautiful…

So here I sit, staring at the I am…you're sold out of it in my size but believe me, I'm buying that puppy when it comes in…

I embrace all of it.  

I am …a Beautiful Disaster.   


Hunter said:

We talked about this Stacy. Running out of the house that night was the worst possible thing you could imagine. And now it’s the best thing that may have ever happened. I’m glad you’re on the best side. And thank you for sharing that story.

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March 24, 2023