I have been meaning to write this for a while now, but so many of my life
experiences have made me a Beautiful Disaster. It was a difficult choice…but “you
don’t know my story” has always spoken to me. My childhood wasn’t filled with
stories of love and happiness. I never endured physical abuse from my family, but
emotional abuse was a very regular occurrence. I don’t remember being told I
was loved or many positive things. I always felt unworthy of love, that I myself
was unlovable. We moved constantly, to the point where I never felt I could
attach or call anything, or anybody home. In high school I was raped, so I
disconnected from sex as anything more than just sex. I was always searching for
someone that may actually love me, but I have always struggled believing I am
loved or capable of being loved. I have such a fear of attaching to anything or
anyone, knowing it will eventually be taken from me. My family and people that
truly don’t know me or my heart usually write me off as cold, distant, rude,
heartless and unlovable. My family comes in and out of my life at the drop of a
hat and has abandoned me at my very lowest times…so how could I ever trust
them enough to let them see my heart?
I have lived my life always being afraid to hold on to anyone, feeling I will lose
them one day. I gave birth prematurely to my second son and he only survived for
6 minutes in my arms. That is a pain most people don’t survive, and are never the
same after. Since that loss I have had 3 people that I love pass away without
warning. Every type of relationship I have viewed as having an expiration date.
Most recently I was betrayed by someone I thought was like a sister to me. This
would normally send me into self- preservation mode, and harden my heart. But
this time is different. I have a group of friends that is like a family and love me
flaws and all. This family we formed has made me feel alive again, lets me be
unapologetically myself, makes me feel beautiful, worthy of love, and most
importantly loved. I have now started therapy to work on my past traumas, I have
made the decision to embrace the life I have always wanted and now feel worthy
of receiving. I never thought I would say I am so excited for my future and these
new beginnings. Life is too short to be half lived….and I am ready to start this new
volume of my story for myself.


little angel said:

pain is never a comparison, its indivisual, specially created for you. life will always bring pain, however with out pain you cant gain strength, being strong doesnt mean using your strength to manipulate and get your way. sometimes your pain debilitates you, other times it destroys you. silence is power…… always be truthful about your life, and stop looking back.

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March 24, 2023