Shanna's Story: No Longer Need Approval
Allow me to start by introducing myself, my name is Shanna Schmidt and I wear something from your design every single day! I am now almost 42 years old and able to look back on my personal experiences and ask myself how the hell did I make it out. My life has been 100 different - one in a billion chances of things happening to someone..
I had my first son, the first relationship I was ever in at 15 years old, this begins the wild ride I as set out for..I made promises that I soon learned were going to be next to impossible to keep to the one person I never could let down, my father! I swore I would finish high school and still keep my already long list of responsibilities and my new ones at their best.. Almost immediately my son's father was no where to be found leaving me to do it all myself. Full time parent and full time student left no time for and job to support myself or time to do it. I began selling drugs to get what I needed for the baby and live off of. My 1st DUI happened just 2 months after my son was born, on my 16th birthday! Only adding to my already heavy load to carry. Not being able to get a driver license meant I was walking most the time. I made my way though and kept at it going to school and keeping my grades while my side secret grew in more ways then even I knew or saw..During what should have been my junior year, I was pregnant once again shortly after my brother committed suicide devastating my world as I knew it, only this time I wasn’t going to tell anyone and decided to give the baby up for adoption. I had to do a year in the county jail for that DUI I got on my 16th birthday and was due during that time. I was unexpectedly was given a fur-low and time to go home to deliver the baby and return after.. Worst best thing ever because it forced me to have to tell my family and it also gave me a chance to rethink my choice to give him away. I kept him and during his first year I learned a hard lesson as to why a mothers connection to a child is so important. Unlike my 1st, my 2nd cried from colic 23 hrs a day. After I completed my time in the county, I was able to return home and go back to school. Once again, I was living two separate lives.. I was making amazing money and was student council president and top of my class at school. I finally graduated with more than one scholarship, student council president and prom queen. I had been in a relationship for about 3 years and had my 3rd son and was still living 2 lives by the grace of god. As time went on my addiction became a fire that was out of control. I was gone all night after the kids were in bed and home by the time my boyfriend had to get up for work. Risking far more than even I knew at the time. I was pushing limits and boundaries everyday to keep up with the double life. My relationship became something I hated more than anything. We could be in the same room and speak nothing to one another. When the fatal day I was caught by him a whole new demon was born, he began to use with me and wasn’t able to maintain as well as I could and was soon in situations even I wouldn't allow. I moved away and tried to start over only to return to the same life I tried to leave. I was a mess in and out of jail for driving without a license and soon came the felonies.. and a lot of them!
When my brother passed I became responsible for my youngest brother as well. Everything was in total chaos. At first I had it all together and slowly it started to spiral down, relationship, homes, money, friends and luckily the last thing it took was my freedom. I’m thankful it wasn’t my life. During those years which I’ve only been clean since 2019 I experienced so much death. My dad died 14 years to the day my brother committed suicide. My youngest brother went to bed and never woke up last year a week before Christmas, two months prior my step dad and just 3 weeks after my youngest brother my husband my soulmate died of a drug overdose that had he not been left there for 4 days might of survived. My youngest son who came along the same year my oldest graduated high school. Finding myself locked up while pregnant yet again. I did my time and thought for sure it was all behind me and was ready to move forward. My youngest 2 years old when a friend came over with my youngest aunts truck and we were moving a bell cabinet getting ready for Christmas. He was able to take a vehicle out of park due to an ignition problem causing the vehicle to roll forward down my driveway into another vehicle pinning another female between the two vehicles, on her way to the hospital she had a massive heart attack that caused so much damage her brain was dead and died 7 days later. I’ve been involved with police shootings causing national headlines (they shot my friend, we were not the shooters) I have lost more then some do in their entire life time. But I never gave up nor allowed myself to become a thief or a liar. I keep my word no matter how much I screwed myself when things went bad. I always smiled and could find humor in even the worst of times. After years of therapy and determination, I am now in a tiny apartment with 2 of my boys with a cleaning company that is doing pretty well for as new as it is! Everyday I look back and think how it could have all been different but would I change it?! To be honest no I wouldn’t. The only regret I have is the time I lost with my children due to my own choices. The rest of my story, well it’s what makes me the beautiful disaster I am today!
My most favorite piece of BD is well there’s two honestly.. you don’t know my story, my first piece and how I ever found you guys and the last piece I ordered.. no longer asking for permission! I waited months for it to restock and then the post office lost it.. lol my luck I tell you!
I no longer need approval from others to do what I need to build a life with my kids that’s worth the risk I take. I have lost over so many and so much in my life that broke and struggling looks good on me especially with my BD gear..