Firstly, I’m a single mom of two. I’m beautifully flawed and complex. I’ve been to hell and back and Im proud to be here today to stand tall and say I am strong, I can weather any storm. I didn’t always know I could. At 16 I met a guy who seemed perfect and treated me like a queen. Everything seemed to be just as good as it could be to a girl who had been living on the streets since 12 when her mom kicked her out. Here was a guy who loved me, wanted me, and treated me like I MATTERED, for a year.
After that first year, when I had finally said I love you to him, it changed so quickly and drastically that I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. One moment things were fine and the next he “accidentally “ smashed my head into the doorway. I got the normal words of "I’m so sorry", "it was an accident" but I knew it wasn’t. And from there it got worse.
You see what I didn’t know, and my Prince Charming had hid from me and hid well -was his drug problem. Which had taken a turn for the worst right before that first incident. And with the avid drug use, came the avid beatings. I was young, alone and afraid. I had no one to turn to and was scared. Especially after being told that if I left he would kill me, and I truly believed he would as he had already almost done so.
I became his paycheck, working solely for his habit. Until one day I had become so broken that my life no longer mattered. For his bday “present” he insisted I get high with him for the first time. I did not want to but one didn't say no to him so I was made to do it. And it was bliss. No more pain, physically or emotionally, because I was numb.
This became my new way of living to deal with my situation. This went on for another 6 years before the law finally caught up with him and he was sent to prison. And I was FREE!! But at this point I was heavily involved in drugs and couldn’t get off them. It took me a few more years to get the courage to get clean and STAY clean. I had tried a dozen times to stay clean. But it was when I had been clean for 6 weeks and I was super sick still that I went to Dr. and found out I was 5 weeks pregnant! That was such a scary thing to know not only did I have a life growing inside of me that I didn’t have a clue how I was going to take care of but to know had I waited any longer to attempt getting clean my child would have been affected by my heroin use.
This was the wake up call I needed. This was my salvation. My strength to do the impossible and STAY clean. That was 13 years ago. And while I am still flawed and I’m perfectly imperfect and a beautiful disaster, I am a strong beautiful mother of two who has walked through hell and lived to tell the tale. I am here to raise a man and a woman who will strive to be strong, courageous and kind. There’s NOTHING more perfect than that.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.