Okay, I’m sharing this hoping to help someone understand, maybe just a little. I’m sure you see this and immediately think whoever did this to you, run away from them and never look back. Well, you can’t run away when the person who did this was myself.

Living with a mental illness has been very difficult. Some times are worse than others. Two years ago I hit a low and found myself just done with life and so I tried to end it.

Now, here’s what we have no control over.  Life and death.  Because of all the times that I’ve just felt like life was just too much for me and I couldn’t do it anymore, I almost succeeded this time and it scared the shit out of me.  I had been misdiagnosed and so the meds given to help actually hurt and I went spiraling.  It's kind of a balancing act at times with this disease, for the entire support system.

So here’s how I’ve had two more years when I thought I didn’t want any.  Two years ago I spent the most agonizing weekend in the emergency room and I had no control over anything.  I had developed Bell's Palsy and I was undergoing so many tests.  It was horrible being trapped in a body I had no control over.  I couldn’t talk or really even communicate.  It took forever for the meds to counteract what I had voluntarily done to myself.  The whole time watching the fear in Mike’s face, just hoping they could fix me.  I luckily came out of this attempt without any major damage other than the scars I now live with.  I’m very lucky.

September of the same year I felt myself slipping again but this time I reached out sooner (maybe not soon enough, but still, that’s what makes hindsight great) and went to inpatient.  I’m sharing my story because the last 2 years have been hard but they’ve also been amazing. I’m still here!

I’ve met great people, I’m doing things I never thought I’d do. I was so scared and embarrassed for a long time to share my story for fear of being looked at as weak or something else negative. But I’m stronger and stronger everyday, so if my story helps someone else I’ve done my job because we are stronger together.

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January 24, 2020