Jessica Allen: Being A Mom Saved Her Life
Sometimes in life god truly does intervene. He takes you by the hand and leads you back to the path you were created to follow. After all of the trials and tribulations, the failures and accomplishments that I have endured over the past few years I found myself stuck. I didn’t know who I was anymore. The tears that I choked on for years just stopped. I didn’t feel anything. The numbness that crept in created a hard shell that I gladly surrounded myself in like a warm cozy blanket. I was beat down physically, emotionally and mentally and I felt like I was constantly looking at myself through the glass.
Life doesn’t guarantee anything but lessons. I never imagined that someone I loved would wake up one day and decide to be an addict. I surely never dreamed that I would be a single mother of 2. My (then) husband decided that alcohol and heroin came before his family. It ate through our family like a cancer. His true personality shined as bright as the stars in the midnight sky when he began his new love affair. I quickly found myself tangled in a whirlwind of emotions. It’s hard to walk away from someone you pledged your life to. I’m not one to admit defeat, but it was time to wave my white flag. All battles must eventually come to an end. That ending came in the form of a little girl witnessing her pregnant mother being abused at the mere age of 1 ½ years old. The tears that fell down her face onto her puffy little cheeks gave me the courage I needed to walk away and never look back.
The first thought that comes to an outsider hearing this is generally, why did you stay so long? Mental abuse has a funny way of keeping you caged up with no key in sight. It’s a sick and twisted vicious cycle. The more you get treated like nothing, you value your worth the same. I knew I wasn’t supposed to live like that, yet, it was easier to shield and protect myself from pain and hurt. The old me would have retreated to getting high to ease the pain. Turning back to a life I left behind 11 years ago. The use of drugs just wasn’t an option anymore. I had already spent 3 years in prison. So much time has been lost that can never be regained. I wasted so many years chasing false realities in a state of mania. I refused to let another human being drag me down a once beaten path again!
I was a mom now. I couldn’t let my girls down because they deserved the world. It came down to suffering in silence or accepting and forgiving. There are things I can never forget but I can forgive for my own personal sanity. You cannot fix things that are meant to stay broken. It’s a harsh reality, but in the end it only made me push harder and strive to want to be better. I found myself again along the way. I realized that what didn’t kill me only made me stronger. No matter what life throws at me I will undeniably straighten my crown and walk through the fire without getting burnt. So many doors have opened once I came to this realization. This journey has led me to happiness in a place I would have never expected it to come from. I fought myself for a long time and refused to let it in. It was easier that way. I am grateful that I didn’t give up. I am a survivor. I am beautiful disaster! xoxo