Niki's Story: Fighting For The Underdog

Niki's Story: Fighting For The Underdog

I, like every other human being, keep getting back up every time shit, most call it life, knocks me down. I'm beautiful because I always strive to be positive and full of love and light. I continue to practice patience and kindness towards anyone who’s path I’m lucky enough to cross. The goal is to land in a happy place. The disastrous part so far has been trying to get there because at the moment it doesn’t seem to exist. I know it (happiness) comes from within but I feel like a fool these days for even trying.

Life lately has NOT been fun to be honest with you. I turned 47 this year, but I’ll begin my story in May 2019. It’s when I was forced by family and friends to go see a doctor due to excruciating pain and heavy bleeding because aunt flow didn’t know when to quit. She’d stay for 3 weeks at time off and on for years but this time she’d been hanging around for about 9 months, which caused me to become anemic and exhausted. They won because my quality of life was daunting. I’d take 3 changes of clothes to work everyday for months when it got really bad, bleeding, no hemorrhaging to my knees every time I’d stand up from sitting to long. I found a local gyno and she gave me 3 options; 1) Birth Control (NOPE) 2) Ablation surgery with Myosure (which was basically a glorified DnC), and 3) a partial hysterectomy (too scary and I was only 45). So I chose door number 2- Ablation with Myosure, which was scalding hot water that they used to cauterize my uterine walls to help stop the bleeding. It was out patient surgery.

My boyfriend, Bliss, of 15 years at the time never left my side. Now I have to say – the ONLY way I’m like most men is when it comes to my health I’d rather not deal with it – avoid, detach, ignore. I had the surgery on Monday, June 3rd 2019, and although nerve-wracking I was eager to be done with my cycles once and for all. Morning of surgery, all of the doctors and nurses came to introduce themselves to me and explained their role in the procedure that was about to take place in me. They were nice and cheerful, reassuring me that it was an easy procedure and I was probably the healthiest one there that day. The whole thing probably took about 7 hours. I was home resting not long after it had started. I stayed home and continued to recover till that Friday, June 7th. I went to work because I thought I could handle it, but decided it was too much and went home at noon to take some meds and relax. I, no sooner than arriving home, popped my pain meds as my phone began to ring: it was the gyno. She was calling to ask me what my day looked like because she wanted to see me in person. I explained the above to her and asked if I could make an appointment for the following week. She said no, that my pathology report had come back and that she needed to speak to me about it. I said well you’re speaking to me now, to go ahead and share. She said no, I need to see you in person.

F*CK – why did I suddenly feel like I was being summonsed to the principals office for something I didn’t do but was in trouble for? Turns out I was, in trouble – but it wasn’t my fault. I called Bliss to come home from work and take me. He only worked 20 minutes away but with the pills I had just taken and the fear that as starting to take over it felt like 20 years before he got to me. 

When I finally saw the gyno, she told me that the pathology report showed I had uterine endometrial carcinoma. Apparently, it causes temporary hearing loss too, because I went deaf for two minutes. Bliss jumped up so fast, I was confused and unable to comprehend words, mainly due to NOT being able to hear them (racing through my mind was the fact that I had had a pap smear, so why did the test come back negative for cancer, if she was telling me, now that I had cancer – which was the reason for the heaving bleeding) I thought he was going to flip me over his shoulder and take me back to the hospital to get treatment right then and there, but he didn’t.

She told me that she was going to have a nurse oncologist reach out to me to help me find a gynecological oncologist to perform a full hysterectomy and that if anyone were to be diagnosed with cancer, it's the kind they would want and that it was not “that bad”. I responded, “So then I don’t have to have surgery then right?". "Oh no you def need surgery, but it’s common and it’d be ok" she replied. I drug my feet finding a doctor, because I live in Panama City, Florida and we were still recovering from Hurricane Michael and so was the entire county. 

My mom and Bliss went with me to meet with the gyno oncologist on a Wednesday in mid July. She said she could perform the surgery the next day to spend the night and she would perform it asap. I was like um, NO – I have animals and people I’d like to at least kiss good-bye in case I died on the table. Surgeries are scary to me in the sense that you just might not wake up. The following Thursday July 25 we went back for the procedure. It was scary as F*CK – when they rolled me into the operating room – it looked like they were rolling me into a spaceship. It was a robotic surgery that the doctor controlled. I’m sure she touched me but not with a knife in her hand, but one in the robots – claw/grip/tongs.

The pain afterwards was the worst ever. My mom had gotten a room for the night but Bliss stayed glued to me the entire time. I was grateful to not be left alone and felt safe with him there. I knew he was uncomfortable in the creaky recliner and felt bad, I knew he’d felt for me because any little movement he’d make would cause the chair to jolt me awake. We went home the next afternoon. I thought I’d be able to return to work in a week or so, but that didn’t happen. In fact two weeks after surgery the gyno called to tell me that, are you ready for this? I still had cancer! No joke- I was like are you kidding me?

Part of the procedure there is a prepping process called a wash – where they flush me internally. When they took samplings from the wash they discovered I had a very aggressive form of cancer, a second kind in fact, called uterine serous carcinoma. The tumor had released these little bastard cells and they were floating around looking for a new home aka organ to host. The survival rate is very low when being diagnosed with this type of cancer, a 5 year or less timeframe.

They wanted to come up with a treatment plan asap - 6 rounds of chemo 3 weeks apart with two different chemo’s at the same time was the plan. I insisted on working as much as I could during all of it. Why? Because – F*CK CANCER!

Biggest bully I knew of – I didn’t want to but I fought. I started chemo the beginning of August and my last round was December 19th. We went to Vegas in January to celebrate not only my birthday but my last round of chemo and finally being told I was cancer free. Although my immune system was corrupt and I was tired – I was excited to get away from all I had recently been through.

What I didn’t know was lurking in the shadows was Covid. It hadn’t blown up yet. We flew out on Wednesday, Jan 23rd – the 24th is my birthday and Friday the 25th was Chinese New Years! We went to as many places I as I could – The Bellagio was one of them. They went all out in celebration of it. The following March, Bliss went with a co-worker to Biloxi to gamble, since we didn’t do much when we were in Vegas. It was an over night trip – left Saturday morning and came home the next evening. When he did, I could tell something was off with him.

Long story even longer – found out in August of 2020 he cheated on me with a PROSTITUTE in my shower and my BED!!! How am I not committed for losing my shit? Good question because even though I strive for positivity and all I mentioned above – it’s been fucking HARD! Especially since I couldn’t leave! Where the fuck am I gonna go? Oh it gets worse…I’m still living with him and he continues to do him because he can he says…He’s a man (HA far from it) and if I don’t like it, too bad. This type of abuse is just as damaging as physical. For me it's continual unfortunately, since I have literally nowhere to go. The stress has brought the cancer back too. I couldn’t understand why I had survived so much to be put in a situation like this. Don’t know right now but I have to believe that I will one day. I will be brutally honest when I say almost every day is a struggle to put one foot in front of another with continuing to live. I made a promise a long time ago, to God – that I’d never slap Him in the face by trying to end the life He gave me.

To me Beautiful Disaster is a badass suit of armor that shows the world, IDGAF and won’t take shit from the negative people that seem to grow like gremlins everyday, PERIOD. I’ve always been a rebel at heart when it comes to bullies and I hate negativity – whoops is that negative? #SorryNOTSorry, I fight for the underdog, always have always will.

I've just been focusing on staying positive as much as I can with love in my heart and a conscious effort to stay in the present moment. IT’S SO HARD! I love this brand and it would be so hard to pick only one collection as my favorite – but if I must choose it’s the Bella Collection – during cancer, even before but especially now feel so ugly and worthless. Bella reminds me that there is beauty everywhere you just have to see it with your heart instead of your eyes!  

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Comments

Kym Thompson August 8 2021

You are truly amazing…..You are such a strong woman….Whoever reads your story is going to be touched. That is my worst fear. Being sick and being alone because I know I would be….My mom was diagnosed with an uncurbable disease at 59 and her husband came back from Iraq and then she died…..My husband is a nice guy, doesn’t beat me or anything but when times get tough, he always threatens to leave…. Thank you so much for sharing with everyone…You really made me sit and think about my situation. You are truly a beautiful disaster….

Jennifer Reyes July 26 2021

Omg I just want you to know that your not alone and it opened my eyes… my mom has long heavy flows and she’s dizzy doesn’t seem normal and I just wonder is this normal & It’s not as bad as your story gosh bless you. Your alive and beautiful as ever this is a beautiful story thanks for sharing your story and for spreading awareness

Tiffani Cook (langley) July 26 2021

I’M PROUD OF YOU BOTH.
YOUR VERY STRONG THIS WORLD CAN BE SO BRUTAL.
I LOVE THIS WHAT WE AFE ABOUT WITH EVERY INCH IF MY BEING. HOW BLESSED I AM EVERY DAY TO SEE I AM NOT ALONE. TO SEE SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME. YOUR AMAZING ❤

Karen Reeves July 26 2021

I’ve had a hard life, abused my entire childhood and then having 3 children with an addict who suddenly passed away 3 years ago from an overdose. I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and I am forced to live with my family because he isn’t here to help me anymore and because I let him claim me on his taxes for 26 years, the social security only pays me $436 a month and tell me I am not eligible for any survivor benefits since we were never married. My family is so abusive, I hide in my room all alone with my pain. I am forbidden to have any friends or even leave the house unless I am going to the store or doctor. I don’t have a car. But I have secretly stashed away almost $3000 to get one, and I am finally on the waiting list for housing after applying way back in 2016, after bringing my children back to this toxic abusive environment just to teach their father a lesson that he never learned. I was afraid that we would find him one day, and my oldest son stayed behind with him and he is so traumatized that I don’t think will ever recover 💔 I have so much going on, I somehow got a parasitic infection that I have been dealing with for 2 years. I’ve been to 6 doctors, and to the ER twice. I have heard them laughing at me from the other side of the door. I have been looked at with disgust, told I am crazy, never examined bc they are afraid to be near me, some even wouldn’t cross the doorway and told me to call an exterminator or a psychiatrist. So there’s that on top of everything else. My family doesn’t believe me, and I have noticed that they are starting to lose weight and have the same symptoms as I have. If I mention it, I am called disgusting and crazy and I get thrown out for a few days. I am scared to death that my kids will become orphans, and right now I have been blown up like a balloon everywhere to the point that I can barely move. I want to go to the ER because I saw the doctor 2 weeks ago when this started and she said that it’s just stress due to my delusional issues. So I am having problems getting to the hospital because my family says that I am going to waste their time and I am faking for attention. My sister even threw me out of the house the other day because I had the runs. I can’t fake that or the horrible swelling, but you can’t tell my family that. I read your story and now I feel horrible for complaining about my problems. I am sorry you are going through all of this and I hope things get better soon. I know everyone has problems, and realize now that no matter how bad our situation is, there is someone out there who has it way worse. All the best to you. Prayers, hugs and love to you

LisaAnn McClain July 25 2021

Hey ladies,
Keep your heads up high and your pride higher .
Ya’ll deserve way better don’t ever except anything less.

Michelle Morrison July 25 2021

Thank you for sharing your story. If you have access to the Internet get a certificate in something like CNA. I did, it took me 2 months. You can make $40/hour while looking for a studio. Then you move out when he’s not there.

Tammy Varner July 25 2021

God Bless you and your strong will. I to have been down a bad rd. Found this Beautiful Disaster clothing line and ROCK IT!!!! practically every day. I am divorced twice from the first a true abusive ass that when turned and started hitting our child, it only took once and I became a momma grizzly. Left him after he beat the hell outta me one last time, my daughter at the time was 4, now 13. Came home and was having issues with my health with bad periods etc. Had an endometrial ablation done prior to me leaving him. Was fighting with addiction with both drugs and alcohol. Cause that was how I coped with it all. My 1st not only was abusive physically, emotionally, sexually. He also cheated on my numerous of times. The last two was in our home in our bed. Came home, got help for addiction. Been clean and sober over 8yrs now. Met a guy that lived right behind me. My home is in Washington Pennsylvania. He cut my lawn for me, my daddy thought it be nice if my daughter and I write him a Thank you letter. Two years later I married that man. My 1st put us through tremendous HELL!!! He and his gf. Calling cys saying I was an unfit mom. I won, he was paying child support and was 5grand in the hole. He was picked up for a bench warrant. Gave up his rights. My 2nd husband adopted my daughter. He was cheating on me the whole time, but cyber cheating and literally sending these women and then him some very disgusting videos and pics. I was sickened by it. I ended up during all this having an emergency hysterectomy. Then about a yr later I was just so sick of the things that was going on. I let it literally eat at me. The stress I was under was literally killing me. I was in the hospital twice within 3months of both with needing blood transfusions. 4units each time. Now I have to get iron infusions every 6weeks. But I am not HAPPILY divorced from the 2nd. My daughter and I are doing good. She is going through a lot unfortunately and getting her help with all. Not only did she have two pos fathers. My daddy her pappy recently passed away unexpectedly. He was and is out HERO and our glue for my whole family. I have the best family and am so blessed. I miss my daddy each and every day. But because of what I have been thru. And now Beautiful Disaster… I wear my shit with PRIDE!!! You ROCK my love…. Keep being a Strong ass person. You got this ♥️

Bree Chojnicki July 25 2021

💕💜💕💜💕