Nicole's Story: Get Up Girl, You're A Soldier

I am Nicole. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)and I am a Beautiful Disaster. I love Beautiful Disaster and the fact that you identify with wounded woman and help them see they cant be broken. They can overcome anything life throws at them, and kick its ass and come out on top. These woman are beautiful, the stories are heartfelt and real, and help us see we are not alone. A huge part of the healing process is having other people hear your story.

Life for me has never been easy. Around the time I was born, my cousin was murdered. He was a month away from turning 3. My parents had a hard time dealing and turned into alcoholics and, dad, a drug user as well. Dad was also very abusive and beat mom on a regular basis, and REALLY bad where we wouldn't see her for weeks at a time while she got treatment. I was always too worried about mom and scared of dad to enjoy being a kid. Sometimes dad would get very angry and hurt us too. To this day, he always puts me down every time i see him. I love him so much, but his insults eat me alive.

I became a young mom, I worked hard by this time mom left me. I graduated high school, my second daughter was 3 weeks old, only my dad came. For the first time in my life he said he was proud of me. I got my medical assistant diploma at 29. My relationship was abusive and I was trying to get out, needless to say I had him police escorted out and never looked back. Best decision I ever made. We were together 17 years.

I was finally happy, kids were happy, and it was great. My first love came back into my life, I had not seen him since i was 15. He was a professional skateboarder which my middle daughter loved. The only guy she took too since dad. They all at this time were in domestic violence counseling, coming from abused family, I know the after affects or witnessing violence.To this day it effects me. Anyway, life was great till almost 2 years later when he decided life was going as planned and took a glock 9, put it behind his ear and pulled the trigger. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I felt like i couldn't go on anymore and I almost didn't.

For the next three months, Jack Daniels was my best friend. Sometimes Captain Morgan. I took anything I thought would help ease the pain enough for me to breath again, for my heart to beat again. Someone moved in to look after kids, I couldn't grasp the fact that just like that he was gone, no explanation at all. I needed to know how he could do this to me and hurt me so bad. One day I realized he didn't do it to me, he did it to him, my heart broke for the pain he must have been holding in.

Once I started to get a grip I told myself, "get up girl, you're a soldier, seeing you hurt and falling apart is gonna hurt him still, I dont want no more pain for him”.It was then I took my life back, the pain will always be there, I'll never let him go, but everyday I try my best to live the best life for my girls, who are stronger watching me go through all this heartache, and have warriors in themselves. I've been sober for 3 years now. Everyday I push past the pain and smile. My life has made me who I am today, a Beautiful Disaster.