What makes me a Beautiful Disaster and why I identify with the Beautiful Disaster Brand. My story started back in July of 1979 when I was born. I have dealt with abuse my entire life in one form or another. It all started when my biological father would leave me in my crib for hours on end, never caring for me in any way. After my mother and biological father split up, she met a guy named James (Jim).
He would beat me in my face with a belt, among many other things. He would even abuse my mother sexually while she was handcuffed to the floor with steel tent stakes (for tough rocky ground while camping). I remember him telling me how if I went to get anyone he would kill me (Obviously I ran to my neighbors apartment to get help). I remember hiding in my closet, pretending it was an elevator that would take me anywhere else but where I already was.
I swear sometimes I could even feel the floor moving at times, like in a real elevator. After my mother left James, she met a nice man named J.T. He was really good to us kids and to my mother. Then I met my daughter Lindsey’s father (Daniel) and stayed with him on and off for 5 years. He would abuse me physically, mentally, spiritually and any other way he possibly could. When I was just 4 months pregnant with my daughter, he tried choking me until my mouth bled and my eyes started to pulsate. I did not know at the time I got with him, but he was also a drug addict. He would also abuse my 2 year old son (at the time) as well. When I intervened, he would abuse me as well. I turned to drugs to escape my reality. I tried leaving him several times and he always hunted me down and sweet talked me into going back with him.
The abuse got even more intense each and every time. Unwillingly, he even thrust me into the sex trade for 2 years. He would not even let me call my mother once every week like I always did. It got to the point that at one time my mother even filed a missing person’s report on me. When we moved from Daniel’s step dad’s house into our own, (I did not know at the time that he owed people money over drugs) we had 6 guys break into our home and hit me over the head twice with a shovel. Luckily I was able to grab my son and run to the back bedroom to get out the window.
I could hear one of the guys who broke in on us tell one of the other ones to go get me and finish me off. I was able to put my son out the window first, then I crawled out the window belly first (while still pregnant) and was able to get safely to a neighbor’s house. Because of Daniel, I had my kids taken away from me for a year and a half until I went to rehab to get my life straight again. (By the way, I have been drug free now for over 13 years).
I had to go to an intense class for a week called (Survivor's week) for people who were abused. Although honestly, the class should have been a lot longer for me than just a week. I have had PTSD ever since those guys broke into our home over 16 years ago. I struggle with self-esteem issues every single day of my life. I find it really hard to connect with people and to get close to anyone because I do not not trust people now a days.
My life really started to turn around for the better in February of 2011 when I met a man named James in the US Army. We fell in love and got married September 17, 2012. We got married right before he deployed to Afghanistan in December of 2012. We have been together for 9 almost 10 years now.
My life now has truly been a blessing. I still deal with self-esteem issues but my husband reminds me every day just how beautiful and amazing I truly am. When I look back on every thing I have been through in my life (believe it or not, this article is the short version. Lol) I am truly amazed at the person I have become. Instead of letting my past affect me negatively and become a vile person, I have chose to become a survivor and let my pain transform into love and light.


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June 05, 2020