Lisa's Story: It's Okay To Not Be Okay
July 14 2022
July 14 2022
What makes me a Beautiful Disaster? I feel in my heart that everything in my life up until now has been a seriously upsetting, stressful, confusing and a beautiful disaster!
I came across the Beautiful Disaster brand on my Facebook and right away I was like holy crap someone gets it! Like everything I want to say and can't, things at times I so want to so scream from the rooftops, but fall silent.. for this I'm thankful ♡.
Life has been difficult for me for sure. Over 20 surgeries from 16 till now, I am bipolar and that alone comes with its own challenges, but I deal.
I met my daughter's father and we tried 2 years to have her. Once she was born, he waited 2 months and forgot he had to stop dating. Back home I went to make sense of the world yet again, now with a child. I ended up focusing on work and my sister introduced me to who then became my husband, my daughter was now 7 month old.
Things seemed great a year into it, but by the 2nd year things got real. He was very narcissistic abusive and I got taught lessons, a lot! But, then it would stop. Like whatever was angry in him would grow quiet. There was peace for some time.
Then I got pregnant. We then had 2 kids together and raising mine who he adopted.
When I cooked it was good, but he would always say it could be better if i did this or that the put downs came hard and weren't easy to swallow.
Then, in front of people, he was such a guy's guy, a great friend, and I often was left wondering why I wasn't treated the same.
Years passed and things got better as the kids got older. I refused to leave my dad's house where we lived with the kids cause I was scared.
So we stayed. I knew if anything I had my dad. My dad was always upset by the things that went on between us, but I did love this man and I know he did love the kids and me.
I lost my dad in 2016. He passed in our home from leukemia. That took my breath away..I was a wreck..We had to sell the only home that we had ever known, now it's time we bought our first home.
His passing upset my kids as well since my dad was like their dad. He did everything with my kids..my husband was more of a I'll buy you what ever you want, but don't make me throw a ball with you type guy. He also worked all the time, so he was never around and when he was he was sleeping. Getting used to our new home things were good, still missing my dad.. just 2 years later I lost my mom in 2018 of lung cancer. This just took my breath away .... I found my anxiety was just increasing more and more..my husband started becoming more of a human towards the kids and I. He was actually the person I wanted to be around and the person I went to about everything. Things were good. We would go out, do things, talk, he was great and things were great!
NOVEMBER 22ND, 2020
My husband took his life from self inflicted GSW to the head while me and my kids were home!
We saw everything. My poor kids what they saw I can never ever unsee for them. I have been knocked over and it's as if the life left me as well. 20 years of marriage and I'll never know any answers. I was broken, confused, didn't sleep. The nightmares the kids and I had were horrible..
I scream WHY often when the kids aren't home and I cry a lot. I miss him. I miss his face.. IT'S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!!!
From 2020, we had to pack up our home we had just lived in for 5 years..
Plan a funeral, I was still in shock. I still don't even know who came to his funeral. I was in shock for a good 7 months..we then continued packing, sold our home, moved completely out of the city we lived in all our lives.. I just had to get away from it all..
What did I do to turn it around?
The kids and I are in extensive PTSD therapy. We sold my husbands car, sold our home, found a new home and downsized. Our lives are quiet and simple. All of our anxiety has amplified times a million. Loud noises, sirens, 4th of July, all triggers. Bleach smell from them cleaning the mess up..I could go on..the kids are all graduated and he's missed the best parts of their live, but we all have grown so much over this past year and few months..from being Beautiful Disasters to finally being able to put ourselves back together in some sort of fashion and adjusting to our new normal!
To also know that life goes on!
My favorite item I bought from you was the Beautiful Disaster jacket!
The back reads - You Don't Know My Story!
The hood reads- there is nothing stronger than a broken woman who had to rebuild herself!!!
I had gotten a tattoo piece for my situation with me and my husband. He was a semi truck driver and the bear is how I feel. I ended up getting this tattoo in 2021. The bottom of my tattoo says you were so imperfectly perfect!!
I had seen your clothing line 2 months ago, but inside my jacket it says perfectly imperfect!
There's so many of us out there that feel all the ways that the clothing line speaks!
Thank you for helping me find a voice through your clothing ♡♡♡