My name is Lavender. I identify with Beautiful Disaster because I have been through the fire and now fuel it. Born in dysfunction, out of dysfunction. A few years of unknowns, a mother trying to survive her own trauma while raising two children with only the help of her single mother.

Shortly after around age 5 the first emotional abuser, then the primary sexual abuser at age 6-12, having three other abusers in that same time frame left me broken and angry. My mother was able to get us out of the situation by meeting up with another abuser, though he was only physically abusing me, so it was much better for me.

After a teenage suicide attempt, I was unable to attend regular school due to my aggression and was put into a private alternative high school. 100% attendance, my teachers listened, though the education was not up to par, but it was the only education I could get. I was still angry, and at this point went through a whole other situation and was now pregnant at 16. I was going to be a mom. HOW WAS I GOING TO DO THAT? I had no experience, my mother couldn’t help me, she had no experience, she never chose me, I was never going to not chose my child. Everyone told me to abort, I didn’t want to. I wanted my baby, I wanted to be better than anyone ever said I would be. I wanted to be a good mom. I wanted to give her what I didn’t have, I wanted to protect her with every ounce of my being. I went through a few more abusive situations, figured at this point, I was just unworthy of anything in the story books. I was just going to do right by by child and be the best I could be. I literally started getting through the days by imaging the things that I would never experience. The stupid romantic movies made me want to vomit, not over jealousy, just it wasn't real, no one had that. You can not covet what is not real.

Raised partially Jehovah's Witness, seemed so crazy, as how does a religion let so much happen to a child that didn't deserve what I went through. Religion seemed fake. I just didn't understand how a world could just not protect its children, well I wanted to change that. I have been through so much toxicity, that doesn’t need to be written or even relived as it has power where it lies. At 45 I learned truly what Narcissism and gaslighting was, Holy Hell, trying to help someone in a bad situation has never went so wrong... Being destroyed after building yourself up from your trauma only to be buried again from those kind of people was a whole new kind of reckoning. I am 48 years old, I have a beautiful 32 year old daughter and a 4 year old grand-daughter. I AM A GRAMMY. I am engaged to a wonderful man, that I have loved since high school, though we have only been together a little over a year. We have a life to build together.

I have worked with abused children through a couple of different organizations to help them thrive through their trauma’s as this is where my heart also heals, I am a paralegal of 25 years with no formal education, I worked from the ground up, proving myself, every damned step of the way. I now thrive to help others and I am a Beautiful Disaster VIP and wear this brand with Pride and Glory. I am not a people person, though I refuse to walk passed someone wearing this brand without making sure that I walk up and recognize them for their power in what they are wearing.

I share this story with hope of one person smiling and reminding themselves to keep going. My Favorite BD Item is the Women Empower Women Line. I have purchased this as a gift for others and trying to save up to buy a few more for other 3 other women that I know that need these hoodies. In dark moments, please go to Spotify and listen to the Beautify Disaster Tribe playlist. This playlist was created by the members of this tribe and many hours were put in to make sure that the list was not redundant or repetitive. This playlist is power....

Beautiful Disaster Tribe - this road is long and in no way do you have to do it alone. DO NOT LET ANYONE STAND IN YOUR WAY. NO MORE.



P.S. Sorry for the glasses, I am currently recovering from a concussion...


Tammy said:

Beautifully raw and authentic. So appreciate your honesty and openness.
Thank you!

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May 18, 2023