Kristin Ward-Thomson "Little Black Cloud"
Someone once said to me “You have a little Black Cloud that follows you wherever you go”. We all have a story or we wouldn’t be here. No one is better or worse than the next but each has brought us to a path that has led us to this blog.
What makes me a Beautiful Disaster? I have so many stories to tell, so many painful experiences. No matter what it was or how long it took I always came out the other side stronger and wiser.
Why do I identify with this brand? As we go through trauma you look for support, a message, a meeting, something you can relate to and feel lifted up and understood. I have wanted to shout from the rooftops for so long and now I can wear it. I don’t have to say it; you can read it and know who I am.
What has life been like for you? I have no recollection of myself before age 13, my first marriage was my high school sweetheart that ended in him trying to strangle me and restraining orders so let’s skip straight to the biggest mistake I ever made. He was stunning and he wanted me. Me? This was before the ability to look up people’s information online, social media and cell phones. It was like a fairytale until one day it wasn’t.
He became cruel to my children and I and violent to me. He picked up a drug habit. He would steal whatever I had, disappear for days and beg to come back only to become angry when he was detoxing. He kicked me in the stomach while I was pregnant with his son. He pushed my friends away and held me like a prisoner. So many stories but the point is I stayed when I should have left. He broke me down physically, emotionally and mentally over the years convincing me I was ugly, fat, a pig, nasty and no one would ever want to be with me. I was NOTHING....until one day I looked in the mirror bruised, broken and had no idea who I was looking at.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I reached down deep, really deep. The fire was lit inside me at that moment. No more. I needed to find myself and my strength. Just when I was getting on my feet it happened. My next door neighbor had harassed me for years and the landlords would not help. The police would not help. She was schizophrenic and taking care of her elderly mother. I had to work that night. My oldest was at camp, middle at her best friend’s house and my youngest was with me as we were running home to grab his stuff to drop him off with the sitter. I pulled into my parking space and got my son out of the car. As I walked to the door I set him down (he was 3) and I was fussing with my keys to open the door. I heard it. “Help, help”. I looked up as I recognized the voice of the elderly woman next door. I turned around and my schizophrenic neighbor was standing there with a knife in each hand. My son was right next to her.
She started swinging the knives at me and I put my hands up. I froze; I think I was in shock until I felt the knife go in my stomach. I suddenly snapped out of it and fought back. I screamed the whole time in hopes someone would help me but I kept swinging. I broke her nose and she knocked me to the ground. She got on top of me and I wrestled with her and eventually while still screaming got the knives away from her. This couple stopped and got out of the car. I looked at the woman and said “Please take my son”. My neighbor went back to her house. The woman took my son out back behind the building. I ran over to the street covered in blood, holding both knives screaming for help.
Finally people came out to see what was happening and as I looked I saw her again. This time with a claw hammer and a steak knife coming at me. I screamed as loud as I ever screamed. Two neighbors who were men grabbed her and slammed her to the ground. People came to me and I just sat on the side of the road hysterical. They were calling 911 and trying to get me to put down the knives. In the end without further details I ended up with six stab wounds and several slashes including one on my face that holds a forever reminder of what happened. It’s a battle scar on the outside but a painful memory for my children and I on the inside. It has been 18 years.
What happened for you to turn it around? Anger. I was angry. After I learned all the details, what the police knew, her family, the management company. I became hard inside but it changed everything. I was never going to let another man take from me. I am enough! I am beautiful! I became a fighter for people without a voice. Many details but too many to write.
What is your life like now? Crazy, it is covid 2020. I raised three kids, I have two grandsons, my job of 15 years is about to end and I will be starting over. Nothing is settled, I have long term effects from trauma that can’t be fixed and Karma has not come but the big difference is that I am ok with myself. I know who I am when I look in the mirror. I have been to the ashes and back. I am good enough. No one is ever going to take that from me again! I hope to write a book someday as I have so much more to say.
All of these messages are empowering to me. They give me strength. They push me to keep fighting no matter what and reminds me we all have a story.