KJ's Story: I'm Beautiful - Battle Scars & All
My story goes way back.. like many it was a dysfunctional home.. family involved in many shady things... I was a victim and survivor of childhood sexual abuse, as well as emotional and mental abuse. My sexual abuser (now deceased) threatened me for years after it ended. I carried a lot of hate for decades. Honestly, it's still there slightly, but it's mostly pity because what a sad sick soul he must have been... It damaged me and made me a jaded, hard person. I judged and put up walls as protection mechanism. I struggle daily on some level still.
Life went on.. married, child, house, cars, jobs. I thought that all was behind me.. Triggers still happened and I handled somethings poorly and I still regret so much. Hindsight.. sighs, what ifs, and should haves.
Life was okay though.. better than it was before. Just when I thought the rough patches were smoothing out, getting older mellows you.. one day it all hit like a tidal wave... My husband suddenly died of cardiac arrest.
In literally 5 minutes, he died right in front of me. I haven't really recovered even now. The last 5 years I've struggled, made huge mistakes due to depression and wanting to give up..and even considered suicide.
However, I won't leave my daughter that legacy after losing her father. She is the only reason I'm here.
Leaving her before she was even 30 years old and knowing he'd never walk her down the aisle or see her first child born, I knew I could never leave her any more pain. So I started looking for support and reading the stories and the triumphs of the Beautiful Disasters women really gave me the strength to become that warrior.
I kind of started somewhat of a relationship again, but that has complications as well. We just having a really hard time getting it together as a long distance thing. So, I don't even know if you can really call it an actual relationship, it just never seems to progress..I'm almost at the end of my rope with it. I ended up moving back home near family. I don't think that was the best decision now.. there are way too many triggers here. I'm just not that person anymore and I don't belong.. feel like that fish out of water again. I should have stayed where I was, it was hard and it was lonely.. but I was my own person with my own place and my own job and my own everything but lonely..I'm still lonely.
It's a very weird feeling when you're surrounded by people and you still feel that way. So, now I'm in a precarious situation. I'm still trying to figure it out how to get back south (to my home).
I am a disaster (still)..and I'm beautiful, battle scars and all.