KJ's Story: I'm Beautiful - Battle Scars & All

KJ's Story: I'm Beautiful - Battle Scars & All

My story goes way back.. like many it was a dysfunctional home.. family involved in many shady things... I was a victim and survivor of childhood sexual abuse, as well as emotional and mental abuse. My sexual abuser (now deceased) threatened me for years after it ended. I carried a lot of hate for decades. Honestly, it's still there slightly, but it's mostly pity because what a sad sick soul he must have been... It damaged me and made me a jaded, hard person. I judged and put up walls as protection mechanism. I struggle daily on some level still.

Life went on.. married, child, house, cars, jobs. I thought that all was behind me.. Triggers still happened and I handled somethings poorly and I still regret so much. Hindsight.. sighs, what ifs, and should haves.

Life was okay though.. better than it was before. Just when I thought the rough patches were smoothing out, getting older mellows you.. one day it all hit like a tidal wave... My husband suddenly died of cardiac arrest.

In literally 5 minutes, he died right in front of me. I haven't really recovered even now. The last 5 years I've struggled, made huge mistakes due to depression and wanting to give up..and even considered suicide. 

However, I won't leave my daughter that legacy after losing her father. She is the only reason I'm here.

Leaving her before she was even 30 years old and knowing he'd never walk her down the aisle or see her first child born, I knew I could never leave her any more pain. So I started looking for support and reading the stories and the triumphs of the Beautiful Disasters women really gave me the  strength to become that warrior.  

I kind of started somewhat of a relationship again, but that has complications as well. We just having a really hard time getting it together as a long distance thing. So, I don't even know if you can really call it an actual relationship, it just never seems to progress..I'm almost at the end of my rope with it. I ended up moving back home near family.  I don't think that was the best decision now.. there are way too many triggers here. I'm just not that person anymore and I don't belong.. feel like that fish out of water again. I should have stayed where I was, it was hard and it was lonely.. but I was my own person with my own place and my own job and my own everything but lonely..I'm still lonely.

It's a very weird feeling when you're surrounded by people and you still feel that way. So, now I'm in a precarious situation. I'm still trying to figure it out how to get back south (to my home). 

I found Beautiful Disaster on Facebook and the saw it again on Instagram.. 
Going through all the bullshit I was going through, about at my wits end and was even so low contemplating suicide,  Beautiful Disaster was like finding a support group.
There's just a certain strength that you feel when you read other stories and see how well they're doing and the encouragement that you get from complete strangers is oddly comforting. I just started with an outfit of "Not Asking Permission" because I feel that's what I need to do is to stop trying to be a people pleaser and fight to get back what I had. I'm not going to ask for anybody's approval or permission. I have to get happy again. I'm not there yet but I'm going to fight to get there.
I am still going through things, BUT I'm not alone and know we all have a story!! I looked at the hoodies and leggings over and over... I had other expenses, but always knew I would get started in wearing my warrior gear. THEN, I saw the Not Asking Permission and boom that was it. This was the quote that I have always had in my head. I was always told I was a rebel, didn't care what others thought and sometimes that got me in trouble with people.. I just thought, "Who are you -  why should I ask or care what you think about me?". SO this is my collection.. Although, the wolf line also speaks to me too...  next purchase ;)  Keep pumping out those inspirational quotes!!  

I am a disaster (still)..and I'm beautiful, battle scars and all. 

Read more

Natalie's Story: I Refuse To Give Up

Natalie's Story: I Refuse To Give Up

Jade's Story: Fire In My Soul

Jade's Story: Fire In My Soul

Kathy's Story: You Are Not Alone

Kathy's Story: You Are Not Alone

Comments

Susan M Perkins February 1 2022

Its a min by min for us i am 42 and still struggle with life. keep on strideing lady. you do you.. have a great week

Tina T January 31 2022

KJ, you just told my story with the exception of I haven’t moved south YET. I was having hard time about 8 years ago when I last both parents in less than a year and then in the following year my son was sentenced to 10 years because of his addiction. Meanwhile I had 2 teenage girls at home, I was a little over 5 years clean and just embarked of my true love journey…. I was studying to be an addictions counselor and filed for divorce because I thought my husband deserved better…..and then relapse. .My daughters at the time were 17 & 20 and have completely broken/blocked all communication with me. I saw it coming because of my lifestyle that I “hid” for he last couple of years. I can’t blame them but I’m lost without them.Forvthev1stvtimebin my life Ive thought about and even have planned my suicide. Trust is I don’t have the balls but also because my kids don’t deserve that “legacy” full of pain.Thank you for sharing your story…. Keep looking up as will I

Shane Wiley January 30 2022

KJ your story touched me so deeply. I am also a survivor the the same abuses as a child. I know my path has been rough as I moved forward. I try to find even the smallest amount of positive in any situation which helps a lot. You are a warrior so hold your head high and take care of you first!

Dawn Graff January 29 2022

Take care of YOU!!!