Back in October of 2015, me and my now husband got married. We had met back in 2010 and we just knew we were going to be together for the long haul. It was the best day of my life. We got married at the lake in his hometown at a marina overlooking the water. All of our friends and family were there in support. After that we were settling down in our new house and into our careers. My husband is in law enforcement and i work in the medical field. It was everything I could hope for and had worked for. Everything was going so perfect.
And then April 2016 came and shattered my world. I was at work and got the phone call. Before that day, I had some minor health issues and my doctor ordered a brain MRI just to be safe. They didn’t suspect I had anything wrong but wanted to make sure. I went in Tuesday evening for my mri scared to death but reassured from my doctor that I was probably fine. Wednesday morning, at work, I got the call. I had a brain tumor. My doctor told me I basically was going to die. I fell apart right there at work. Everything around me felt like it melted and all I could see was my life flash before my eyes. I broke down. I couldn’t breath. I felt the world was crushing me.
The brain tumor is on my brain stem and is apparently one of the worst locations you can have one in your brain. So from work, I was rushed to the ER with my loving supportive husband by my side every step of the way. I got there on a Wednesday, scared out of my mind. I had never had any major health issues and all of a sudden, I’m dying?? While we were talked to, they scheduled the surgery for that Friday (two days later). So for the next two days, I sat in the hospital while they regularly pumped anxiety meds into my body. (I have suffered with anxiety since I was really young). They had to calm me down because I literally couldn’t function. Friday came around and they wheeled me down to the O.R. They did a surgery to relieve the fluid that was backed up on my brain from the brain stem tumor. And apparently the surgery they performed on me is pretty rare. Atleast around here where I live. The doctor was nervous but confident which made me pretty nervous. He went in through the top of my head and drilled a hole at the bottom (instead of putting in a shunt). Thank goodness, I woke up. And it was successful. The sucky part? They can’t get to my tumor. Which means they can’t biopsy it. They don’t know if it’s cancer or not. So basically, I was discharged with a ticking time bomb in my brain. I went months and months of time with so many doctors watching me. It has been the most terrifying experience I have ever had to go through. I went home and was really depressed for months.
I went into some really dark places mentally. I wasn’t myself. I could feel my world and life being torn from me right then and there. Was I going to die? I was only 22 years old. People would’ve never known how depressed I was. Depression is so bizarre. I had went through times before with it and it always baffles me. It’s something that is so indescribable. Everyone thought I was ok after surgery when really, I was crumbling. I thought if I showed weakness, people would hate me or think that they couldn’t talk to me. It was the worst feeling ever. I had so much support yet felt so so alone. I could literally feel this huge pressure on my chest that would never let up.
Then one day, I told myself to suck it up. I had to be strong and be a fighter. I opened up to some people. I vented. I cried. I allowed myself to feel when before I was holding it all in which caused me to feel worse. I thought I wanted to be numb, but it turns out, that was the worst thing for me. So I started thinking positive. I joined some support groups online and I have a ton of support around me. I have my anxiety under control and haven’t felt down or depressed in quiet some time. Here I am, almost 2-1/2 years later still fighting. I have routine MRI’s to monitor the tumor and so far, it’s behaving. The doctors think that it’s going to be ok. At least for now anyways. I now am settled in my career after a promotion. And now my husband and I are trying to have a child, which, when I found out about the tumor, thought was going to be impossible.
I feel great because I made myself change my negative attitude into a positive one. That’s what I love about the Beautiful Disaster brand. It’s people like us who go through things and pull through them stronger than ever. It’s support, love, and acceptance for being the perfectly, most beautiful disaster. I look in the mirror and now instead of seeing someone who is sick, I make myself see the strength and perseverance that shine through me and I feel like that’s what embodies this brand. I still have a dent in the top of my head that I cover with my hair and I’m still working on getting a few sprigs of hair to grow back but it’s what makes me a Beautiful Disaster. <3
-Keely
