My mother was pregnant with me when she found out my father was cheating. This started the downward spiral of my life. My earliest memories are of being blamed for their divorce. I had an older brother and sister that picked on me relentlessly. When I would go to my mother, she would tell me that they did it to hear me scream and if I would quit screaming they would stop. So it was my fault they were bullying me, calling me names and telling me I was the reason my parents got divorced. So I "learned" that no matter what happened it was going to be my fault. I became a victim while I was a toddler.

My sexual abuse started when I was 6. Nobody had actually taught me anything about life in general so I didn't know there was anything wrong with it. It continued from there. When I was 9, my mother married again and we moved to a new town. Not only did the abuse continue but was added to by my stepbrother starting to sexually abuse me at the age of 9. Now, I have two people sexually abusing me and my mother and stepfather verbally and sometimes physical abusing me.

I started my period in school at the age of 12 and had no idea what was happening to me. Nobody had talked to me about this. When I got home and told my mother at first she didn't believe me, then when I "proved" it to her all she did was hand me a box of pads and walk away. No talk on what was happening to me.

The abuse continued. At the age of 14, I started dating and had my first love. I would hear all of the girls in my class talking about their first kiss, first time for other things. I didn't realize at the time that all of these things were robbed from me.

Through high school, I got bitched at every time I brought my report card home. It didn't matter that I had made the honor roll or principal's list. All I heard was that if I would bring a book home every once in a while I could get straight A's like my sister. Why can't I be more like my sister was all I ever heard. I had no idea who I was or how to go about finding myself.

I moved to another state when I was in my early 20's. When I first moved there I was living with my mother and stepfather. I was drinking a lot and experimenting with drugs. While working in registration in the ER at a small hospital I decided I wanted to be a nurse. I moved into my own apartment and started looking at going to college. At 25, I started college which my mom and stepfather said they would pay for, but after my sister complained about it they decided to not pay for it. For 3 years I worked full time and went to college full time. On finishing college I went to work in the ICU of the hospital where I worked while I was in school. I had found my calling but I continued to date men that were abusive in one way or another.

The seven years I spent in that place was the first time in my life that nobody knew about my abuse. Even with that I continued to be in relationships that were abusive in one way or another.

It wasn't until I was in my early 30s that everything fell apart. I had moved back to the home I grew up in which brought back all of those bad memories. I was so depressed I collected all of the pills I could find. My mom and my stepfather continued treating me horribly. My sister had come to visit with her son and I opened up to her. She was so upset. She told me that if I didn't tell she was going to. So I told them. They did not provide any emotional support. All they were worried about was themselves. One day they called me downstairs and said they had talked to my stepbrother and he told them it was consensual. My mouth dropped in disbelief. I looked at my mother and said "I was nine years old". She just stared at me.

After my stepfather passed away my mother reconciled with my biological father and they remarried. My father treated me so well but my mother continued to treat me the same.

I am now 60 years old and my mother continues her treatment of me as a second class citizen. I have a son who is the light of my life. He has autism and is 23. I raised him as a single Mom until he was seven and I married someone I thought was different. My life was all about raising him and making sure he got everything he needed. It took me years to see that I was being emotionally abused by him because all of my energy went to helping my son.

I divorced my husband and moved to a new town that's far enough away that I don't have to deal with everyone on a daily basis. My son transferred to a university that has the best autism program in the country.

So my struggle continues, but I can walk away from my mother any time I choose. I chose to have a relationship with her for the sake of my son.  I wish I could say that I don't still have struggles with my past despite years of counseling. My biggest struggle now is my mother, she is advanced in years and I overlook a lot so that when my time comes I can say that I have no regrets. 

I am a Beautiful Disaster because I survived the abuse and put myself through college, raised a special needs child to be a smart, caring and respectful adult. He is my greatest blessing and I vowed that I would do whatever it took for him.

I know my story is long and there are things I left out because any more would have been a book.

My favorite pieces of Beautiful Disaster are the Angel pieces. They are my favorite because I make broken look beautiful.

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October 14, 2022