I think this climate of sexual assault and abuse has hit its peak. I can't stop crying, I can't sleep and finally had to go get some help again for the reoccurring nightmares.  So, as embarrassing as this is and how much it angers me, here's my story. 

   My dad was abusive to the point of pulling guns out on my mother. They got divorced, he didn't want me around so he tried to run me over with his truck when I was 6 or 7.  
We (mom and i)  ended up moving into a man's house with his 2 boys. She ended up marrying her divorce attorney. (He later became the deputy district attorney in California and then a full on judge in Fresno, ca) I was tormented by the older step brother at the time. I remember being 7-8 years old and being cornered by him. On several occasions, he used to pull down his pants and tell me to suck his genitals. When I wouldn't do it he would pull my hair and shove my face into it. He would tell me if I bit him that he would slap me. He would end up slapping me anyways. He was about 13-14 years old. This continued for about three and a half years. I had to break down and tell my mom because I got tired of it and now he was trying to actually penetrate me and that scared me as well.
When I told my mom what was going on and for how long it was going on she suggested that we all go to family counseling. She discussed this with my step dad who turned around and beat the shit out of her. Then he came to me and told me that boys will be boys. Fast forward to going to the counselor. Having a one-on-one with the counselor as a kid, mind you he was male and gay, he explained to me that because I developed faster that this is normal and I asked for it.  A few months after that, he killed himself for having sex with his young male clients. This was just unreal! 
So now I slept with a knife under my pillow, a lock on my door and ready at all times that I was going to get jumped.  The little step brother tried to take over but I ended up breaking his arm. I had enough. 
I tried to live with my biological dad or grandparents but they didn't see that being right.
Freshman year of high school we went to a party. We all had smoked and drank like dumb teenagers do. I had felt sick and went to lay down on my friends bed. I woke up with some dude on top of me and I had my arms held down. Screaming didn't help because it was a party with loud music.  As soon as he was done I got up and ran to the bathroom. I lost my virginity by force. I went back to go hurt this guy but he left.  Found out he went to the same high school as me and I wasn't the first girl he'd done that to.  
Again, told the school, my mom and wanted to tell the police, it was shoved under the rug.  I tried to kill myself so many times but I failed at that. (Thankful because life is amazing) 
I never really trusted men after that. I wasn't attracted to women either. I just bumbled around. 
Now present day, I am almost 48. I am happily married to a retired sheriff who knows my story. Who knows this whole shit show on the media and TV is overwhelming for me. He has been my rock.  
I didn't want to rehash any of this. I spend lots of time and $$ on therapy,  Its painful to relive but it makes me extremely angry and vengeful.  It hurts.
I have 2 beautiful girls. They both are smart and aware of their surroundings, one knows what happened because she is 19, the other is 12 and knows I got hurt but zero details.  My kids will never know this pain. I will always be open with them and they with me. I would die protecting them. I will never be my mother. She isn't around much.  
Anyhow, thanks for listening or reading. I wish I was making this up but I'm not. 

Leave a comment

Please note: comments must be approved before they are published.

November 12, 2018