Jacqueline's Story: Risen Like The Phoenix, Guarded Like The Wolf

Jacqueline's Story: Risen Like The Phoenix, Guarded Like The Wolf

My pieces began chipping when I was a child. I was sexually molested by a babysitter/so-called friend. During that same time, I was also sexually assaulted by a neighbor. The molestation occurred for about 3 years. The sad thing was that I preferred to be at her house and be molested, then to be at my house and be physically, emotionally and mentally abused. During those years I began to get sick, and doctors continuously focused on my weight, instead of finding out what was wrong with me. I was bullied by not only strangers, but by my own family due to my weight. I come from alcoholic family members which included my dad. I went through many of put downs and let downs. Once I was of age, I felt like I needed to prove myself. I needed to prove that I would be wanted and loved even though I was fat. From there came many emotionally and sexually draining relationships. As well as being raped from a so called friend, to being raped by my own fiance. With this so-called man, I went through physical abuse and even a moment in which he tried to kill me. I lost my dignity while trying to find myself for many years. During those years I became really ill. Now, my fight is the one that I fight internally. I now suffer with more than enough autoimmune disorders, amongst a whole slew of other illnesses. My body is constantly fighting itself on a daily. Causing my bones/my muscles/my heart/my liver/my kidneys/eyes/mouth/teeth to deteriorate little by little including crippling. Although I've gone through all this, I have fought tooth and nail to have my own life and independence. I tried my hardest to working up to three jobs while going to school and interning. I got so close to finally graduating and getting my diploma in college (as I was two courses away from graduating) I became ill and could no longer continue my education. In my struggles for a career academically I went through homelessness and hunger. All this happened while I was going through my process of messed up relationships and a messed up body. 

Fast forward to now I am getting worse within my health issues. However, I am finally where I need to be in my heart and in my mind. I am in a committed marriage, with a son who is mine through adoption, and my own loving home. I found myself, I respect myself, I value myself, and I forgave myself for everything I put myself through while I was so hurt and broken. As well I forgave all those who have hurt me along the way not for them but for me. Although I continue and indefinitely will continue to struggle and to fight on a daily, I carry my past with me as pieces of wisdom. Now I help those who are lost in their past and need a little guidance when they seek for my help. The pain and fight that I daily endure is something that I'd never wish upon anyone else. People call me a warrior friends and family, husband, son. I however just see myself as someone who's just trying to get by on the daily.
See, what I love about Beautiful Disaster is that I can identify with the main topics of their ever growing collections. See, YOU DON'T KNOW MY STORY is a TIMELESS tale of a DEFIANT FREE SPIRIT who DEFINED her BEST LIFE by being FEARLESSLY AUTHENTIC. Many have wanted to continue HATING ME but like they say "what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER". I have risen like the PHOENIX and guarded myself like the WOLF to be nothing short of PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. Which has left me to feel like I am my own guardian ANGEL that is not just a 'IN LOVING MEMORY" of who I was, but who I've grown to learn life's lessons from and love. 

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