Jacqueline's Story: Risen Like The Phoenix, Guarded Like The Wolf

Jacqueline's Story: Risen Like The Phoenix, Guarded Like The Wolf

My pieces began chipping when I was a child. I was sexually molested by a babysitter/so-called friend. During that same time, I was also sexually assaulted by a neighbor. The molestation occurred for about 3 years. The sad thing was that I preferred to be at her house and be molested, then to be at my house and be physically, emotionally and mentally abused. During those years I began to get sick, and doctors continuously focused on my weight, instead of finding out what was wrong with me. I was bullied by not only strangers, but by my own family due to my weight. I come from alcoholic family members which included my dad. I went through many of put downs and let downs. Once I was of age, I felt like I needed to prove myself. I needed to prove that I would be wanted and loved even though I was fat. From there came many emotionally and sexually draining relationships. As well as being raped from a so called friend, to being raped by my own fiance. With this so-called man, I went through physical abuse and even a moment in which he tried to kill me. I lost my dignity while trying to find myself for many years. During those years I became really ill. Now, my fight is the one that I fight internally. I now suffer with more than enough autoimmune disorders, amongst a whole slew of other illnesses. My body is constantly fighting itself on a daily. Causing my bones/my muscles/my heart/my liver/my kidneys/eyes/mouth/teeth to deteriorate little by little including crippling. Although I've gone through all this, I have fought tooth and nail to have my own life and independence. I tried my hardest to working up to three jobs while going to school and interning. I got so close to finally graduating and getting my diploma in college (as I was two courses away from graduating) I became ill and could no longer continue my education. In my struggles for a career academically I went through homelessness and hunger. All this happened while I was going through my process of messed up relationships and a messed up body. 

Fast forward to now I am getting worse within my health issues. However, I am finally where I need to be in my heart and in my mind. I am in a committed marriage, with a son who is mine through adoption, and my own loving home. I found myself, I respect myself, I value myself, and I forgave myself for everything I put myself through while I was so hurt and broken. As well I forgave all those who have hurt me along the way not for them but for me. Although I continue and indefinitely will continue to struggle and to fight on a daily, I carry my past with me as pieces of wisdom. Now I help those who are lost in their past and need a little guidance when they seek for my help. The pain and fight that I daily endure is something that I'd never wish upon anyone else. People call me a warrior friends and family, husband, son. I however just see myself as someone who's just trying to get by on the daily.
See, what I love about Beautiful Disaster is that I can identify with the main topics of their ever growing collections. See, YOU DON'T KNOW MY STORY is a TIMELESS tale of a DEFIANT FREE SPIRIT who DEFINED her BEST LIFE by being FEARLESSLY AUTHENTIC. Many have wanted to continue HATING ME but like they say "what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER". I have risen like the PHOENIX and guarded myself like the WOLF to be nothing short of PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. Which has left me to feel like I am my own guardian ANGEL that is not just a 'IN LOVING MEMORY" of who I was, but who I've grown to learn life's lessons from and love. 

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Comments

Lynne Vaughn 2 days ago

I so identify with these women, thank you for sharing your stories.

Jacqueline Posada April 24 2022

Thank you for sharing my story. Hopefully someone reads it and realizes that they too can get passed to past and move forward to still love themselves.