I live my life now with my 3 amazing sons and my parents who have been by my side every step of the way. I would not change my past, feelings or current situation because without them, I would not be the strong, independent woman I am today. Todays choice sweatshirt, you chose for me from the warehouse sale. It states: “The new me honors the struggle, the pain and the mistakes of the old me” and it could not be more true! Though my favorite, most inspirational collection was the 1st Red Phoenix. I carry the purse and was lucky enough to get the pants, but was so sad when I could not get the sweatshirt because “From the Ashes I rise” is exactly what I have done!

    I have realized after 5 years I am still broken. I have a wall and a bit of paranoia, but I am also stronger and more confident than ever before. I have more baggage than the average person as chaos seem to cling to me. I am not the same person I was years ago, though I’m sure no one would expect me to be. I am not that outgoing, outspoken, carefree, fully trusting, experimental and ignorant girl. I am a strong, reserved, independent, women who has learned to watch her back, pick her battles and that ‘Silence’ speak volumes. Unfortunately, I have many more stories but this is a list of my top 5 most. My secret names are as follows:

  1. Pathological Liar
  2. Wife Beater
  3. High School Crush
  4. Stalker
  5. Narcissist 

So, hear it goes…

Mr. Pathological Liar

    The first serious relationship I had started the day I turned 18 and it lasted 2 years, but has unfortunately drug on for 20+ years. He was 26, literally a pathological liar who lived with his parents and had a keen ability to manipulate. Only after 2 years and a wonderful baby boy, did I finally come to reality, 1 week before our son was born.

    He had cheated the entire time, turned my friends against me, brain washed me against my family, charged over $10,000 on my credit and tried to get me to abort our son…for the 2nd time. I spent 2 years going out of my way for him because he never came to me. My entire pregnancy was spent fighting. The lies never ended. He would always say, “don’t mention this because you're not supposed to know.” Eventually, all of the lies slowly came out 1 by 1.

    First, the tattoo of Hitler on his brothers scalp wasn’t there, his sister never had seizures (I did), his mother did graduate high school via GED, his brother never went to prison for pulling a curby (American History X) on a African American man killing him, spitting in an officers face and shooting another officer. Early release after 7 years!?! I think not. Yes, I was ignorant and had never seen the movie at that time. Reality hit fast & hard. The manipulation had to stop. I broke it off and sued for the money, child support and 100% custody. Lawsuit and custody won!

    Unfortunately, to this day, 19 years later, he has never made a point to have a relationship with my son or make him a priority financially, physically or mentally. The few times my son has visited, he filled his head with lies, ghosted him and broke his heart repeatedly. Today, through 19 years of lies, distance and deceit, I could not have asked for a better, more intelligent or loving adult son. He is my main man through and through.


Mr. Wife Beater

    I met him at a bar in 2006. Great guy, amazing build, a football linebacker and a Gemini like me. We hit it off immediately. He talked me into moving in with him only 3 months after we started dating. We had tons of fun and were interested in all the same things, until the fights started.

    Eventually, I started to explain our relationship as heaven vs. hell. When things were good they were heavenly amazing, but when they were bad it was like rock bottom hell. He kicked me out 6+ times. Once I was forced to move my stuff out in 1 night. The next day he always came crawling back, apologizing for his behavior. It took me a few days, but I would forgive him. I mean he never hit me right!?! He would always say, “Why do you take your son when you leave? I see him as my son too and I would never hurt him.”

    The very last fight lasted a few days. On the 2nd day he kicked me out, again. This time I left my son there, I got in my car and drove to the nearest park only a mile away. There I sat for an hour contemplating, crying, and pressing ignore on all of his phone calls, only to find out (on day 5) he had left my son alone in the house when I didn’t return immediately. The 3rd day he slapped my arm fighting over a light switch because I needed to get homework done and he wanted me to come to bed. Not okay, but I tried to justify it.

    The 5th and last day he kicked me out for the last time, but refused to let me leave. In front of my 5 year old son, he pushed me, hit me and slammed me into the wall where I immediately collapsed to the ground. Mind you, he was 6’2 / 250 lbs of muscle. I am 5’4 and maybe weighted 120 lbs. As I lay there, for what felt like forever, watching my son hysterically cry, I finally decided "Forget this"!! I found my feet, grabbed my son and did not turn back. I received multiple messages in the following weeks with songs like Eminem-Love the way you Lie, where I always died in the end. It was his way of telling me he could not live without me, trying to beg me to come back and contradicting himself by saying he would never hurt me again. I didn’t go back for my stuff for 3 months.

    After 13 years, his 4 kids still call me mom. In January of 2018, he contacted me, apologized and made amends. He was getting help. Though I would never take him back, it was nice to have our wonderful conversations again. We talked multiple times over 2 weeks, but the last day he called me, I couldn’t answer. Only 2 hours later, I found out he had committed suicide. My heart shattered, not only for my sadness, but for that of his family and now 7 children who are without a father.


Mr. High School Crush

    In 2012, I met with an old friend from high school, who I had not seen in 10 years. I had a crush on him in school, but that ended before graduation. We went to the beach where he got me drunk and roofied me…I awoke in his hotel bed naked. We will leave that one at that as I believe it is easy to assume what might have happened.

Mr. Stalker

    In 2012, I moved to an apartment in a new town. My upstairs neighbor was at my door only an hour after I arrived to ask me out. Of course, I said thank you, but kindly refused. He befriended my mother and then my 9 year old son. Daily, I would come home and my son would be upstairs playing video games with him, in his apartment. One thing led to another and we were involved.

    Within a month, he became obsessive over everything. Every day it was something new. I had to change my entire wardrobe to cover up. I was not allowed to sleep in my own apartment. I could not see a male doctor or go to a doctors office that had male doctors. I could not change clothes in my bedroom, even with the blinds and curtains closed. I could not see my friends without him present. I was not allowed pictures or to take picture of or with him. The list went on for days. I tried to break it off multiple times, but things got more scary with each attempt.

    He became my stalker for over a year. It was endless fear and constant looking over my shoulder. He stood on his staircase and watched me, peaked under my blinds, in the door and all the windows. The Police were called by both sides. He called CPS, causing 6 officers to bust in my apartment and question my son while everyone else was in handcuffs, only to find out they were lies. I spent days in court for unserved restraining orders. He broke into my house multiple times. He had bugs and video cameras in my house and truck. He would corner me at the trash cans to intimidate me. He followed me to work, my son’s baseball games and everywhere I went. We spent multiple nights in a hotel, cancelled my sons birthday and spent 2 weeks at my cousins because he pulled a gun, had brass knuckles and a very large knife. It took months and a lot of proof, but we were finally moved to a different unit only to find out he broke into the office, hid from the cameras and stole all of my personal information.

    Fortunately, after hundreds of tries to serve him a restraining order in many different ways, he finally let it go and moved. Years later, I found out he was and still is a suspect in the unsolved murder of his girlfriend on the Red River years prior. It has its own 48 hours episode and now Podcast. In watching and listening, there is no doubt in my mind that he murdered that poor girl. We are one lucky family.


Mr. Narcissist 

    My final end to ever wanting to get married. He is my most recent ex and the father of my 2 amazing little boys. He was my best friend for more than 25 years. He was my oldest son’s best friend and the father he never had. He came back into our lives when I was lost, broken, terrified for my life and thought I could never get pregnant again. Yes, he drank alcohol and smoked weed 24/7 and at times I had an issue with it, but he was a “functional drunk” or so I thought. I didn’t realize the extent of it until years later.

    After everything I’d been through, he was the one that was always there. We had been a couple on 6 different occasions, this making 7. Unfortunately, we never lasted more than 7 months due to what I saw as unfortunate circumstances. He was my soulmate for that time of my life and we always knew when something was wrong, even being 2000+ miles apart.

    I had spent 20 years rescuing him from his unfortunate/unlucky life events. When he went to prison, I wrote and mailed him a letter every day and waited for him to return. When he lost his job, my father gave him a job. When he totaled his car, I allowed him to borrow mine. When he totaled my 3 year old Dodge, while working and drunk, he never paid me back or replaced my vehicle. Fortunately, I was glad because I swore it was jinxed and my insurance money gave me a down payment for the truck of my dreams. When he went to county jail on 3+ occasions, I paid bail bonds to get him out. I could go on for hours on the endless list of our relationship.

    In 2014, the day he came back for the last time, I got pregnant with my 2nd son. We were happy and my oldest son was ecstatic. He had his best friend, now a father and the brother he always wanted.

    In the last month of my pregnancy, Mr. Narcissist changed and got controlling. I put it off to being overly protective because I was pregnant. During my delivery, after 68 hours of labor, I had started to crown and he insisted my nurse go get him coffee. It went on forever. Luckily, no matter how much he argued, she refused. After 4 hours of pushing with no luck, the doctor thought best to do a c-section. Mr. Narcissist refused to let him and insisted that I could do it. Well, I did it and it went down hill from there.

    In the time of my pregnancy and for months after, when I thought he was helping me recover from my past, he was emotionally beating me down and trying to control everything I did in his own twisted, secret ways. Still, I swore I would never leave him again. I was an emotional wreck and blamed it on my past because he gave me hope that this time was for life. Looking back, we were fortunate he was gone for work 80% of the time. When I thought he was upset with being away for so long, he was actually glad he was gone and upset with my actions. Once he became actual father/man of the house, my oldest son started to rebel and Mr. Narcissist got harder and harder on him.

    When my 2nd son was 8 months old I got pregnant again. Mr. Narcissist was not happy. He stayed away as much as possible. My oldest son had rebelled so much by the time I was 6 months pregnant, I felt forced to send him to live with my parents. The following week, Mr. Narcissist put my 1 year old son in his truck, while drunk and drove him to my parents. Luckily, they made it safely. My mom smelled alcohol immediately. She filled him up on coffee and water and sent him on his way, WITHOUT my son. When I confronted him about it, his response, “Well, he’s fine isn’t he? I’m a better driver when I’m drinking.” He has not driven my children since.

    By the time my youngest was 5 months old, Mr. Narcissist had beaten my subconscious down so much, I was forced to take a 6 month sabbatical from work. I had completely lost control of everything, including my ability to function in daily life. All I had been through and everything he said, had taken over. 

    One of his trips home, I wanted to reorganize the house, but I had no energy so he gave me a piece of candy and said it would help. I thought nothing of it because after 20 years I had no doubt he new I don’t do drugs. Turns out, it was an edible laced with something strong. Within 20 minutes I was in bed, 100% paralyzed and left with nothing but my thoughts. I could not sleep or even blink. He laid the baby next to me and left the room. The baby started to roll and I could not stop him. I tried to scream repeatedly and reach for him, but I could not move. I didn’t actually say anything either because I also could not speak. Luckily, Mr. Narcissist came back just as my baby boy rolled off our 4 foot high bed and he caught him before he hit the floor.

    That same day, while I lay paralyzed, he filled our living room closet with a marijuana growing set. It smelled horrible and I feared daily with the thought of loosing my children due to his illegal activities. Within the month he stopped paying rent or our joint bills, said the most horrible things every night and spent all his free free time with his plants or at the bar. On New Year’s Day 2018, we moved out of our apartment and he was gone, but it did not end there. He had spent 6 months exposing my boys to crazy skin issues. MRSA, MSSA, Impetigo twice, Hand Foot and Mouth, Scabies, plus one unknown issue that lasted for 2 years.     

     A 25 year relationship I never thought would end, ended horrifically. Once again, I was left emotionally worse than before. Day after day I got messages stating “Eat shit and die”, calling me every name in the book, telling me how horrible of a mother I was, how our children are going to eat me alive, threatening to call CPS or take my children away and leave the state. It went on for months. This is when I found The Beautiful Disaster Tribe. The thoughts and the beauty kept me going.

    In the midst of all of this, my 2 little boys continued with the endless, painful, itchy skin infection. Doctor after doctor could not figure it out. Mr. Narcissist was constantly making their conditions worse because he refused to follow skin regiments or any doctors suggestions. CPS was eventually called by the boy’s Pediatrician due to a treatment he administered which caused chemical burn on both boys. CPS came to me first. I was more than willing and helpful, even greatly appreciated that they would try to figure out the last unknown skin issue. They did their evaluations and off they went. When CPS called him, he told them some outrageous lies. They called my son back in for a full day of tests, blood work and full body scans. I was not allowed in the room while they strapped my screaming 1 year old to the table and did more than 60 x-rays to make sure there was no sign of torture or abuse. It was the worst day of my life. I sat in the waiting room with constant dirty looks from staff, who probably assumed I had beaten my child. It felt like it lasted for hours. CPS found nothing but the damage was done and his response to the unnecessary torture, “GOOD!”

    The issues where endless. The messages continued, the name calling and every threat he could think of. He was out drinking in bars on his nights with the kids. When the kids went to his house 3 hours away, I would follow and spend the night with a friend only 2 miles away just to make sure I was close if something happened. It took me 8 months to build up enough courage to start court papers, to fight back, stand up and say no more! Around here is when I received my first order from Beautiful Disaster. My mother had purchased the “You don’t know my story” set and it could not have touched my sole more perfectly because rebuilding myself, is exactly what I was doing.

    After spending months in court, I eventually received 100% physical and legal custody and he was no longer allowed to drive the kids. My present to myself in the end of this long court battle, The Red Phoenix. It was my start to a new beginning and I completely felt reborn and stronger than ever before. He spent months away from the kids claiming to be working, but this allowed me time to clear up there skin permanently. Still to this day, I receive nasty messages and very little money if any, though through it all, I go out of my way to allow my boys safe, supervised time with their father. Every child deserves the right to safely get to know their parent without prejudice or their parents disagreements and experiences getting in the way. Mr. Narcissist claimed he was better and no longer drinking but after 25 years, I knew better. Last month the judge gave him driving rights, but just 2 days ago I caught him admitting he started drinking again. Back to court I go…stronger than ever.

    I have worked everyday for the last 4 years to find myself again, to be better than the day before and to put the pieces of my soul back together in order to be the best woman and mother I can possible be. I find my strength when it’s needed. I ignore the hate of others as much as possible and I live my life knowing I am stronger than I seem, smarter than I think, braver than I feel and loved more than I know. I can do this and I will always figure out a way. I am finally and completely okay with being the single, little old cat lady with three boys to take care of me because honestly, I am much stronger on my own.

    Since the day I found The Beautiful Disaster Tribe, I have found hope and strength in the words and stories. I have worn something from the brand every single day for the past 4+ years to remind myself of the amazing road ahead. My family says I should be paid for advertising, but that would defeat the purpose. With my family being aware of my Beautiful Disaster obsession, it has become my yearly Christmas and birthday gifts. Thank you for being my hope and strength in this crazy life I live.

From the ashes I rise, to honor the struggle, pain and mistakes of my past.

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August 19, 2022