Born into a life that no child deserves! Raised by my alcoholic, mentally and physically abusive mother that made it very clear that the only reason I was born was for a monthly child support paycheck. While most moms take their children to the park, mine took me to the bar. I developed big boobs (size D) by 5th grade. I started to be introduced to men as her “18-year-old daughter”. I eventually ended up losing my virginity to a 26-year-old who had no clue he was actually with a 14-year-old.  

At 13, I was sexually assaulted on Halloween. When I told my mother what happened she sat me down on the couch and proceeded to yell at me stating that it was my fault. That I couldn’t be a slut, then use it as an excuse to be late and expect her to believe any of it. The only reason there was any legal action was because my father who lived 3,000 miles away called to ask how my holiday was. After my assaulter was arrested, 6 more teenage females came forward. I think the worst part is my mother couldn’t even remember who he was or why I would be receiving a letter to have a chance to speak when he became eligible for parole years later.

At 15, when I got my driving permit, my newest responsibility was to be my mother’s chauffeur back and forth to the bar or store for more alcohol and to go buy her crack. I was also now expected to pay half of all the bills while she still received child support ($600 a month) and the SSI monthly check ($600 a month) from my dad being disabled.

My father did try to give me a safe place, but was completely unaware of what was happening. My mother always said that he didn’t love me. I was told that my father loved my siblings that were from a different mother and the only reason he even had anything to do with me was because the courts made him. So, I always made it difficult for him to be there for me.

I grew up believing that the only thing I was good for was being used sexually and should be grateful that any man or really any person would want me around. I could have reached out for help, but why bother telling anyone the toxic that I lived daily when I was just an unwanted waste of space that no one would ever love. No one would care, after all this life is what I deserved. It is a lot to carry the weight of believing that you mean nothing to everyone, so I tried to end my life in high school. I wasn’t even capable of doing that right.

I had no clue what love was or what boundaries were, so I ended up marring a man who was just like the woman who raised me, but now had me believing that I was crazy and every toxic cycle I was making up in my head. It was when I had my son that I realized I had to choose what his childhood would be like. I had to choose something better for him. I may have not understood why I didn’t deserve love or respect, but I knew I loved him more than the all the stars in the sky and he deserved better, so I packed up my car and ran to stay with the family that lived 3,000 miles away.

It wasn’t until I was 26 when I found a therapist that I finally felt safe enough to open up and let someone in, but I fell into a deep depression because I only knew how to survive being filled of pain and anger. Letting all that go left me feeling empty, unable to process any emotion. It took weekly meetings, sometimes twice a week for over 2 ½ years to turn my pain into the flames that would set me free. And while it felt like everything was falling apart, I realized I was actually taking all the broken pieces and turning them into my own pair of beautiful wings. I was meant to fly, so I refused to let my past hold me down any longer. I was not going to be another statistic.

Now, I allow myself to shine from the darkest parts of my life and I took back the keys to my happiness. I have 2 beautiful children that know they are wanted and loved. I own my home. I have a college degree. I have people that want me in their life.  

But most important-

I am strong! I am amazing!  I am worthy! I am brave! I am loved! I am a BEAUTIFUL DISASTER!!!

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July 20, 2022