From Shattered to Strong: This Is Lindsey's Story
What Makes You a Beautiful Disaster?
I have pulled myself out of the deepest, darkest situations multiple times throughout my entire life.
Why Do You Identify with the Beautiful Disaster Brand?
"The fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me" truly resonates with me to the core of my being. I am strong. I am fierce. I am healing.
Tell Us Your Beautiful Disaster Story
I grew up experiencing sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from my mother's boyfriend at the time. The sexual abuse started when I was just four years old. Almost every night, I was awakened from my bed at 2:15 a.m., dragged into the living room, and forced to endure unimaginable horrors at the hands of this monster. Some nights, he held a gun to my head—I never knew if it was loaded or not. This continued until I was 18 years old.
I never told anyone until I turned 23. I believed his threats—that if I spoke up, he would kill my sister or my mother. The physical abuse was a daily occurrence. It got to the point where I would intentionally try to make him angry enough to beat me so severely that he wouldn't be able to touch me in any other way. Sometimes, it worked. Most times, it didn’t.
Growing up, I was told multiple times a day that I was ugly, stupid, fat, lazy, and that no one would ever love me. He told me that was the reason he did what he did to me—because he "felt bad" for me. He said I would never know what it was like to be loved because I wasn’t good enough and never would be.
At 12 years old, I tried to end my life. Again, at 14. No one knew. My sister unknowingly saved me both times. She knows now.
Later, I found myself in a toxic relationship with a man I thought was my best friend. I believed I had gotten lucky to have someone actually love me. I convinced myself that I had to stay with him because no one else would ever want me. I married him. A year later, I had a baby with him.
He was toxic in ways that were less visible—gaslighting, constant put-downs, making me feel worthless, convincing me I would never amount to anything. Even giving birth to my daughter was traumatic. I couldn't have her naturally. The years of abuse had damaged my body, and I had to have an emergency C-section. Because of this, I was told I wasn’t strong enough. Then, my breast milk never came in, and I couldn’t feed my baby. Again, I was told I was a failure.
And I believed it.
I fell into deep postpartum depression. I didn’t want to live anymore. But I fought through it—for my daughter and for myself. I left that marriage. I got a divorce. Now, as I approach 40, I have finally learned to love myself completely.
What Happened for You to Turn It Around?
I went to therapy for a while, but I was tired of being told how to feel about myself. I finally realized that I was the only person who could decide my worth. I knew I deserved to be loved and cared for, so I learned to love myself. Meditation, journaling, and being present helped me become a better mother—and helped me be my true self.
Name Three Things You’ve Done to Move Closer to Happiness
- Therapy
- Meditation
- Journaling
What Is Your Favorite Beautiful Disaster Collection, Past or Present, and Why?
The "Rise of the Phoenix" collection. The quote, "The fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me," speaks to my soul.
Comments
Nicki said:
Thank you for staying. It’s the hardest work ever.
Debra Jacobsen said:
One day I’ll sit down and share my story..I love this clothing line and relate to the Phoenix too! Much love and continued sucess!!
Tammy said:
Wow my sister, you are incredible. Shine like the star you are! You will be able to help so many women with your life story. Out of the ashes we rise. Stay Beautiful my sister
Monie B said:
Awwww honey, you write very well and are extremely articulate with great punctuation. You’re obviously very intelligent in that you were able to work on yourself without too much outside assistance. I give you kudos because I haven’t been able to do it for myself with or without help. It’s not surprising that you got involved with someone who had a similar disposition to your mother’s boyfriend and I’m so sorry that you went through that. I can’t even imagine how awful it must have been. Age 4….. Who the hell does that? I always wondered about kids who commit suicide or attempt when they’re really young and it blows me away because what child thinks about suicide at age 12 or younger? So freaking sad but I’m glad that you’re here and there’s nothing wrong with you and you know that. You’re a warrior and a trooper and anyone would be glad to have you around. I’m glad you’re still here. Big hugs!
Shelley ... said:
Jesus has not taken me home yet because he keeps telling me there’s still more work to be done to help the others. I’m here to help all women and children survive because I’m a survivor. How dare people judge label what they don’t know! Thank you for making my beautiful disaster of myself perfectly imperfect! That’s right don’t judge me because nobody knows all of my story!
Jenn pizzano said:
I can definitely identify a lot of her story is like mine if I start to go into it now I wouldn’t even know how to sum it up quickly there’s just way too much and I shouldn’t be here somehow I survived I survived a horrible childhood I survived living on the streets as a teen I survived being in and out of shelters for runaways and throwaways and if you didn’t behave there you were put into a youth house I survived being molested nightly by my grandmother’s husband and the sickest part is she knew and she let it happen I finally kicked my door shut on his hand when I was 11 cut his finger off he needed plastic surgery to put his finger back together and my family didn’t question why he was coming in the room no they said I had the devil in me and I attacked an old man at 16 the man that I thought was the love of my life introduced me to heroin well that became the love of my life that and cocaine together I went through years of using drugs day in day out I missed a Whole Decade things went on in the world and I was in my own world and the cycle continued but now I was in and out of jail with a man that really didn’t care about me I’m going to cut this short but there is so much more to my story and like I said I should not be here but I am most of my friends are gone well if you even want to call them that cuz I learned they were not my friends I have a beautiful 16 year old boy who is probably the reason why I’m here and he loves me for me he doesn’t see all the horrible things I’ve done in my life and all the things that I’ve gone through he actually sees a good mother and I would do anything for him he is an exceptional student he loves School always gets the honor roll that a full scholarship to a prep school and then on the weekends he chooses to work I met a man finally that doesn’t use me and treat me like I’m nothing he’s so good to me sometimes it’s hard for me to even comprehend the way he’s treating me it’s just something I’ve never had I know that I wasted my youth all those years I see young women that are doing so much with their lives and I want so much to be able to go back and fix everything that I’ve broken but I know that I’ll never happen but I’m so thankful for my small loving family they love me for me and I know this it took me a long time to get myself to the point that I am at now and I used to wonder what my purpose on this planet was even for but I’m starting to really understand now I am here the one saying that is on some of the clothing about being Beautifully Broken with all your flaws it just brings tears to my eyes finding your site really helped me to understand that there are so many women like me in this world that are just broken and go on day after day I am not to be thank you for showing me that
Sonya said:
Lindsey, I don’t know you, but I’m so proud of you. It is absolutely amazing what you have overcome and the fact that you knew you had to it’s not like someone convinced you. You decided what you needed to do for yourself and your daughter and that is admirable keep going girl pushing forward and being positive and showing your daughter you are strong, beautiful, confident, intelligent, resilient and one tough bitch 💪🏽 Hold your head high you are a force to be reckoned with and a role model for all women! Thank you 🙏🏼
Donna L Clemow said:
God bless you ..
Tanya Cave said:
Thank you for sharing your story with us ❤️
Karrie ann said:
Congratulations on your journey! It’s awesome sauce to come out the other side! Let that fire inside to continue to burn!