From Shattered to Strong: This Is Lindsey's Story

What Makes You a Beautiful Disaster?

I have pulled myself out of the deepest, darkest situations multiple times throughout my entire life.

Why Do You Identify with the Beautiful Disaster Brand?

"The fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me" truly resonates with me to the core of my being. I am strong. I am fierce. I am healing.

Tell Us Your Beautiful Disaster Story

I grew up experiencing sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from my mother's boyfriend at the time. The sexual abuse started when I was just four years old. Almost every night, I was awakened from my bed at 2:15 a.m., dragged into the living room, and forced to endure unimaginable horrors at the hands of this monster. Some nights, he held a gun to my head—I never knew if it was loaded or not. This continued until I was 18 years old.

I never told anyone until I turned 23. I believed his threats—that if I spoke up, he would kill my sister or my mother. The physical abuse was a daily occurrence. It got to the point where I would intentionally try to make him angry enough to beat me so severely that he wouldn't be able to touch me in any other way. Sometimes, it worked. Most times, it didn’t.

Growing up, I was told multiple times a day that I was ugly, stupid, fat, lazy, and that no one would ever love me. He told me that was the reason he did what he did to me—because he "felt bad" for me. He said I would never know what it was like to be loved because I wasn’t good enough and never would be.

At 12 years old, I tried to end my life. Again, at 14. No one knew. My sister unknowingly saved me both times. She knows now.

Later, I found myself in a toxic relationship with a man I thought was my best friend. I believed I had gotten lucky to have someone actually love me. I convinced myself that I had to stay with him because no one else would ever want me. I married him. A year later, I had a baby with him.

He was toxic in ways that were less visible—gaslighting, constant put-downs, making me feel worthless, convincing me I would never amount to anything. Even giving birth to my daughter was traumatic. I couldn't have her naturally. The years of abuse had damaged my body, and I had to have an emergency C-section. Because of this, I was told I wasn’t strong enough. Then, my breast milk never came in, and I couldn’t feed my baby. Again, I was told I was a failure.

And I believed it.

I fell into deep postpartum depression. I didn’t want to live anymore. But I fought through it—for my daughter and for myself. I left that marriage. I got a divorce. Now, as I approach 40, I have finally learned to love myself completely.

What Happened for You to Turn It Around?

I went to therapy for a while, but I was tired of being told how to feel about myself. I finally realized that I was the only person who could decide my worth. I knew I deserved to be loved and cared for, so I learned to love myself. Meditation, journaling, and being present helped me become a better mother—and helped me be my true self.

Name Three Things You’ve Done to Move Closer to Happiness

• Therapy
• Meditation
• Journaling

What Is Your Favorite Beautiful Disaster Collection, Past or Present, and Why?

The "Rise of the Phoenix" collection. The quote, "The fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me," speaks to my soul.