TW: Sexual Abuse

 I was put in foster care at 3 years old with my brother. I had foster parents and three foster brothers. I remember one day sitting with my dad watching TV. He took my hand and put it on his privates. I moved my hand and said "No". He took it and said "Yes baby. It's okay it feels good for me". "No no I don't like it". "Yes, baby. Daddy said yes". From that moment on it was a daily thing with him. He would make me touch him or he would touch me. I would just cry. I'm crying writing this and my skin crawls. My brother was 1, so he didn't know. One day my mom came in and saw, and she lost it. He threw me down and knocked her out. He told her if she said anything he would hurt her. If she didn't hold me down he hit her. So, she would hold me down. This went on for years.

My oldest foster brother who was 16 started to do the same. I was told if I ever told anyone they would kill my brother. So I said nothing.

On Valentine's Day, my brother and I got adopted. I was 6 & a half. I was so happy to be gone. But, at the same time I was so so scared of these people. I acted out and would get mad or cry a lot. They thought I was a horrible bad child. When I finally told them it had been years so nothing could be done. I never got counseling. I ended up having a sitter do the same thing. Then, my adopted brother tried, but they took his side. I got kicked out at 16.

I lived with friends. I moved around throughout the years. I lived on the streets. I ended up in TX, where I met my first abuser. It started out amazing and I thought I was lucky. Even with him telling me what to wear in the beginning I didn't think it was bad. One day I got hit for having dinner late. Another day my hair was up. I never knew what would make him angry. I would get punched, kicked, raped but I didn't know that it was rape until I left. I stayed because of his kids. I stayed because I thought I was at fault. That he would change. One night when he kicked me out of the car and I was walking home, something in me clicked and I went to a friend.

A few months later, I met someone who I thought was good, but wasn't. I got pregnant and he told me to have an abortion and go to hell. So what did I do? Go back to my abuser. I would tell myself as long as he doesn't hit my belly I'm fine. Just my face I will allow. Until one night he knocked me down and I thought I lost my baby. But I didn't. I knew that was the last straw. So I left him. But, if he couldn't have me no one could. I went into hiding because there was a bullet with my name on it. I had the DV shelter get me a ticket and leave the state. I became a number, not a person. Eventually I got on my feet. Knew I would never go through that again. So I thought. My middle child dad was mentally abusive. He cut his finger and wrote in blood. He was military and I was scared. So I left him. It was either him or my baby. So I choose my baby.

I ended up moving to WA state with my boys to get away from the crazy. My best guy friend ended up moving here to be with me. I thought he was the one. I got pregnant and we talked about marriage. He needed surgery for something and ended up getting addicted to pills. Really really bad. He changed and became a stranger. Ended up getting with a 17 year old. It broke my heart. I thought why me. Why oh why me? I must be the problem with these guys. I didn't think I could be a single mom with three. But I knew I loved this tiny human in me. So, I decided then and there to stay single.

I moved to the town I'm in. I started going to DV groups and see a DV Councilor. Helped me to slowly love myself again. To realize I'm not at fault. Then, I found Beautiful Disaster on Facebook during a depressing time for me. But, WOW y'all brighten up my world. Christina with your fabulous pink hair and bubbly personality. Just touched my heart. I have been following since that day. I love love you all more than you know. It has took me years to share it fully, but it is so healing for me.

I believe it might help someone else going through this. I want to be a voice for others. I didn't have that at the time. I am stronger now. I'm raising my boys to be amazing men. My teen knows what I went through and he is now so protective over me and his brother and sister. He knows the kind of man to be as he gets older. I'm raising my middle son to always be patient and loving just like his older brother. I'm teaching my daughter to never settle to know she only deserves the best. I know now not to settle for less than I deserve and they deserve someone amazing. I have come to love myself as I am. I'm sooooo beyond Grateful for this tribe. I can't say that enough. 

My Collection at this time is the Blue Butterfly one. Just when she thought everything was falling apart, she let go of her past and began to fly. YASSS - a thousand times yes!! I also love it's Never Too Late. My goodness that is so very true. They all have so much so much special meaning to me. Thank you for creating Beautiful Disaster! For the reminder I'm a bad ass just as I am!! I love y'all! 

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February 17, 2022