My life from a very young age started with mental, physical and sexual abuse. My first marriage at 18 was filled with constant mental and then physical abuse. When I told him that I was done and I wanted to leave, I was sitting on the floor getting my clothes and he picked me up and threw me across the room and told me I wasn't going anywhere. I then waited until he was out of town and packed all my stuff in my car and left. I seemed to have lost myself after that marriage. I constantly have trust issues. I don't like when people call me stupid because it triggers a lot in me. I seem to have found lots more relationships after that were mainly mentally abusive. After my son was born I got to raise him until he was about five and then I told my ex then that I wanted to leave that I wasn't happy and he told me that the only way I was leaving was if we were both dead. I, then, took my son and myself, and went to a woman's shelter. He actually convinced me to let him have my son for the weekend. When I met him, my son was asleep. I had to wake him up, tell him what was going on and he was screaming crying not wanting to go, but I still let him go. Biggest mistake of my life. I cry about it every day. I did not know that he had already called a lawyer and she had informed him to do whatever he could to get my son in his custody and not give him back because she was drawing up temporary orders. Of course I did not have a lawyer and I made too much for legal aid. Long story short he ended up with custody of my son, he was now 23. But the trauma that man put me through has affected my whole life for the past 24 years. I keep trying to fix myself as far as the severe depression. But, lots of times during the past years around four times I did attempt suicide, but for some reason I'm still alive. I remember sitting in my apartment because I hadn't talked to my son or even seen him in a month, because of his father, I was sitting in the floor with the loaded shotgun pointed to my chest and my toe on the trigger just thinking and crying that my son was just going to be better off, so he wouldn't have to deal with any of the drama going on with his father and I. Just when I was about to push the trigger, my son's face popped up and I couldn't do it. I've gone through many more years of just traumatic relationships and deaths. I lost my best friend that same year that I lost my son, she died of cancer. But I did learn from each bad relationship and God did bring me my person. He doesn't bad-mouth me or put me down in any way or put his hands on me in any way. I know there's a lot of women out there that stay and abusive relationships because of fear of not being good enough for anybody else, but we are. There is that person out there for us that is there to keep us safe and protects us mentally and physically. I still have my trust issues with my current husband, but he doesn't give me reason. Those thoughts are still there and I am trying my best to not think about past experiences because he's nothing like them. The damage and trauma from everything I've gone through it's hard to get rid of and hard to change your thinking, but I'm working on it. I still wake up every morning blessed because ever since I started dating my husband we have had nothing, but blessings. Yes, we struggle, but we still have everything we need a roof, a vehicle, enough money to pay the bills and I make a little bit just enough to make us through the week that he doesn't get paid so he can have gas for that week. We are warriors and we're strong, and we can make it through each day. I do have help with medications, but I'm doing it and I haven't had one thought of suicide since this man entered my life. I did go through about 3 years doing drugs off and on, but I am 10 years clean. Thank you for taking the time to read it and thank you for your stories they help me. 

I found BD on Facebook and have been obsessed since. The Phoenix is one of my favorites and the "I Am" collection.

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September 23, 2022