My name is Brianna, I'm 25 years old and I'm an addict in recovery. October 26th, 2017 I was surrounded and arrested by the D.E.A. I have been charged with 2 federal drug charges, conspiracy to sell methamphetamines and possession with intent to sell methamphetamines. Most people would think that's enough for someone to stay clean right? Well not for this girl! I sat in jail for my first time on this indictment so mad because it meant I couldn't use anymore.

When they let me out on ankle monitor and pre trial services I made it 20 days before I relapsed. I then told on myself because I was so scared of what would happen. I was put in outpatient treatment and it was just pure drama. Girls were clicked up and it felt like junior high all over again. I ended up getting into it with a few girls there and being removed from outpatient treatment. I tried and tried to just keep pushing but ended up relapsing AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN... My family was so disappointed... Hell I was disappointed... I stopped taking my antidepressants... Bad idea... That on top of the relapse all I could think of was how I wanted to die.

I wrote a suicide letter to my family telling them how sorry I was and that at least this would be the last time I ever had to hurt or disappoint any of them and that I wouldn't have to keep losing to this battle of addiction. I was living a double life I was trying to maintain my high, keep my job, pass my U.A.'s, go to all the appointments I needed to be at and I was doing it... But I was hanging on by a thread... It got to the point I didn't want to use anymore because it was to hard but I couldn't stop... My mom could tell I was self destructing and had totally checked out. She started calling rehabs and found one 4 hours away. I agreed to go because I knew if I didn't I was going to end up killing myself. I cried and cried and was so afraid of the reality I was about to face once I woke up after a few days in rehab. It took every bit of me to walk through those doors and even stay there when I finally woke up on day 3. I tried to come up with every excuse to leave.

Thankfully I stayed. I graduated the program. Rehab saved my life and showed me that my life can be better and I don't have to depend on drugs or the game. I can actually live, not just survive. I was a disaster... I lied to everyone around me - including myself. I wasn't trust worthy or reliable. I hated everything and everyone. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. My counselor asked me to do one thing. Write 30 positive things that could happen in my life if I were to stay sober. That assignment changed my view on life. It seems so simple right... But I had never pictured what could happen in my life if I were to stay sober. I never even tried picturing my life without the game.

Today I am 44 days clean which I know isn't shit but to me its a miracle that I'm still alive let alone alive and sober. I literally have to live in the day each day. I'm still facing my charges which is very hard to deal with sober but using wont do anything but worsen my situation and I always have to remember that.

Today I attend as many meetings as I can, try to volunteer, and I'm fortunate enough that my job saved my spot while I went to rehab. Today I love being sober for the first time since my battle with addiction started. Today I love who I am and can look myself in the mirror and call myself beautiful and mean it. I feel like the Beautiful Disaster brand is for strong women around the world. The ladies that have been through Hell and have never given up. It doesn't even have to be addiction, there are many battles out there that people face and don't make it through them.

I just love this clothing line because I'm not afraid to show who I am anymore or what I've been through. I'm no longer just a disaster, I'm a beautiful disaster! I wouldn't trade my worst day today for my best day back when I was in the game. I'm building new healthy strong relationships and repairing some that I really messed up through my addiction. Today I am grateful to be alive. I'm grateful to be a beautiful disaster! To all the other people out they're facing life changing battles. Never give up! It can get better if you let it and are willing to put in the work! Thanks for reading! 


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August 13, 2019