Blair's Story: A Truly, Beautifully Broken, Beautiful Disaster
June 26 2020
June 26 2020
1.What makes you a Beautiful Disaster?
Well my whole life I have never considered myself or look in the mirror and said I am beautiful or felt like i was beautiful. But I felt beautiful on the inside with the kind of person i was raised to be. But my family and friends and my parents friends that have known me my whole life would say I am beautiful ...But when someone say it I would always be like oh whatever or would think people are just saying that to be nice...But i feel like i resonate with being a Beautiful Disaster. I can be a beautiful disaster literally. Maybe have it all together on the outside to people but on inside I feel like this little girl on the inside feeling too sensitive, or not a strong woman, and felt hurt and broken from the past 20 years. but people wouldn't know....
2.Why do you identify with the Beautiful Disaster Brand?
I feel I identify with the brand.Because the branding came from and was designed by a strong woman that had a vision and a dream to create something that fits with anyone's style or choice. And this branding that was created by this very strong woman may on the inside have issues that we all have dealt with in there life in different ways. We have all suffered some type of trauma in our lives. I had a great childhood and i have had a great life but i have had struggles get in the way and hurt by toxic people in my life that pushed me down mentally making me feel low and unworthy and insecure...
3.What has life been like for you?
I had a great childhood. Loving parents and grandparents in Ventura that were such a strong influence on me spiritually and emotionally...And the best family anyone can even ask for or dream of. My family is the type that will give you everything they have to make a difference or make you feel good and special. Being an only childhood i think my parents always felt guilty about that. They still do.
My mom would still to this day say i needed a sister...So my whole life my friends were like my sisters. My mom would always let me bring a friend if even going on a family vacation. My parents love me to the moon and back and have always done al they can to make me feel loved and that my life is fullfilled. And they were always so protective over me my whole life. They never wanted me to get hurt by anyone and always wanted me to be happy.
My parents were very active people both softball players in college and tennis players and snow skiing and waterskiing . They were always active all the time my whole life. So i was lucky with that i was always doing something. Ballet, tennis, volleyball, snow skiing and waterskiing, I was taught all these different sports but Tennis was my life and passion I started at 4 years old and went onto playing high school and college. I played at Ventura College and won almost all my matches every year if you look at the records. Then went on to play division 1 tennis at Cal State Northridge. And i still play to this day.
I was always a happy and loving kid my whole life but was shy and sensitive and quiet up until junior or senior year in high school. I always put people first and wanted to love everyone and trust everyone and be there for everyone and i always wanted people to like me and love me back. And that wasn't always the case. In 5th grade that is when the bullying started by girls and boys...I was bullied in school all the way to high school freshman year...I don't know why looking back i was always nice to everyone. And then going on to being an adult and now being 41 years old and still getting bullied and harassed by people. Every job i have every had over past 20 years I have been bullied or harassed.
That led me to either quitting a job or getting fired. Its so terrible and again i don't know why this has gone on my whole life. I have had people say; maybe people are jealous of you , or jealous of my kindness and compassion to be nice and happy and help others. But i wouldn't say i have had a bad life. I have had a great life and its still continuing. I have just had some struggles that beat me down that I never got a hold on.And i let it beat me down for my whole life. So i am very sensitive person but feel very drained and exhausted finally from it all.
4.What happened for you to turn it all around?
It all started in 2019. My whole world slowly was turning upside down and i was aware of it but at times I wasn't doing anything about it. I just felt hopeless like i was going to be in pain forever. And i was slowly excepting that but at the same time i didn't want to spend the rest of my life in pain, or hurt and angry. I have carried so much hurt and anger for so many years. And then my health started to really decline last year. My neck pain from all the car accidents, and my headaches were more frequent almost daily.
I was having horrible neck pain and headaches daily at this point towards the end of last year. I have been to so many different doctors and specialists for months and months and nothing worked. And i feel like i just kind of gave up and started to just not do anything to help myself feel better. I just felt like there was nothing out there that would work to fix me. I felt like too much damage has gone on to my body from all the car accidents. I went to chiropractor, physical therapy, i had multiple nerve blocks and abrasions done. I even started exercising more at the gym.
But anytime i do any type of exercise at the gym or when i go play tennis i hurt after. My neck will hurt and my back and then a headache will come along. It was really starting to wear on me, all the things i like to do to stay healthy like exercising i would hurt after. So then it just came to a point where i felt like nothing was going to work and I was starting to say the words you tell everyone not to say "I can't"!! I felt like i couldn't do anything anymore or hardly do the things i love to do. And i just started to slip more into feeling like nothing will ever work and i am going to slowly have to stop doing anything on an exercise level.
I wasn't playing tennis as frequent and would go to gym 3-4 days a week at least. I got a point to where i just had to force myself to exercise no matter what. Because i really do love to go to gym and play tennis and be active. I just felt like i just wasn't myself at all anymore and just kind of gave up and felt defeated. My mind and body just started to breakdown from all the stress, hurt, and pain from accidents and all the problems associated with the accidents that i have been suffering from .
I was suffering insomnia very badly from all this. Even if i would feel really tired or exhausted there were times i would only sleep 3-6 hours on any given night. And then my body would be so exhausted during the day i would have to take a nap. And then if i took a nap i had a hard time going to sleep at night. So i felt like i couldn't win no matter what i did. I was just crumbling by the day at this point.
So what turned it all around and i never thought it would. I just felt hopeless and more beaten down by emotions and all the things i have been through for most of my life. I finally just broke this past year....But beginning of this month is when it all drastically turned around. I became a Nurse to my own husband. And i was able to do so with my EMT background. My husband is a firefighter for Los Angeles. And a month ago he got very sick for 5 days. I wasn't sure what he had. He seemed to be aysymptomatic of the covid virus. But his department wasn't testing anyone unless they are showing signs. So for 5 days he was in bed and barely coherent and sleeping constantly. So i was keeping him hydrated and fed for this whole time. And after that week he was finally better and went back to work.
5. What is your life like now?
My life has just been slowly getting out of the dark place i have been in for last year..I have been letting go of anger and hurt and sadness i have had for many years. Practically my whole life really. I started doing yoga 1 month ago and I have no neck pain or headaches in past month. I have been dealing with pain in neck and headaches for 15 years. My faith has grown in this last month. I have always been a woman of faith. But never felt I was the Christian i said i was or wanted to be.
Now i am walking with faith on a daily base and i wouldn't want it any other way.. I feel the best i have felt mentally or physically in my whole life. I don't feel weak or sad or insecure anymore. I feel stronger each day and I never thought i could be a strong person i was never independent from being an only child you don't want to be alone and I always had everyone take care of me. I am doing yoga multiple times a week. I am in process of writing a book to share my story and to inspire and help other young or older woman. I feel healthy like I am back in college again. I was getting to a point where I could barely play tennis anymore which is still my passion . And now I am doing things that i had to stop doing because i was in so much pain. I was getting where i couldn't clean the house i was in so much pain and if i did i was hurting for days after.
I finally have hope again of my future. I was losing hope about everything. I am eating healthy and exercising and mentally and physically i feel so much better each day. And taking day by day to heal and be healthy from head to toe physically and mentally. It feels great. And I am slowly becoming that strong and confident woman i have always wanted to be and never though i could . I always look at woman that are strong and confident and independent and never though i could be. And here i am at 41 years old and finally becoming that woman !!!