Angela's Story: Working On My Best Self
October 22 2021
October 22 2021
I grew up in house with a lot of drinking, partying and fighting. I began thinking about suicide when I was in 3rd grade. I have always dealt with anxiety and depression and have been off and on meds for years. When I was 18, I was in abusive relationship where I was brainwashed into thinking I was unlovable and my only value was sex, so I should be good at it. I believed this for many, many years.
I was drinking, doing drugs and had attempted suicide 2 times by age 20. When I found out I was pregnant, I stopped everything to try to be a good, single mom. (Side note-my son just turned 18 and graduated high school last May, yay!)
In 2013, I was having horrible chest pain (at 31) and, being considered obese (280ish at the time), I thought it was a heart attack and went to the ER. Turned out to be bilateral pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in both lungs). This scared the crap out of me because they said it happened due to being overweight and using birth control. Imagine how depressed I was when I gained weight up to 353!
I have always longed for a husband and more kids, so I have done online dating since my son was like 8. My headline has always been “Beautifully Broken,” so when I found Beautiful Disaster I knew there was somewhere I fit in! Angel WAS my favorite but I am really loving the Phoenix line and have at least three shirts from the Phoenix line. I absolutely love all of them!
I still struggle with anxiety and depression as well as borderline personality disorder, PTSD, ADHD...I always say the abc’s of mental health. I have been on disability, but 3 years ago I started working a part time seasonal job in concessions for a baseball team and I love it. In 2017, I had gastric sleeve, then in 2019 had it converted to gastric bypass due to GERD and still have issues with nausea and pain, but I am down to 215 and feel so much healthier!
I have spoken in front of at least five crowds about depression and anxiety. I also attended a group for family members of people who are suicidal. I explain to them that having depression and being suicidal is like looking at a brick wall, you don’t see the people who love and care for you beyond that wall. I realized it’s more like a mirror amplifying your pain back at you - it becomes all you see.
I work everyday on myself - trying to be better than the day before. I now love myself even with my depression and anxiety. I realize that my journey has made me a stronger person. It is giving me empathy and compassion for others. I still have down days and I know that it will never be perfect, but that’s what life is perfectly imperfect.
I love Beautiful Disaster and I am so inspired by the stories and beautiful designs! It’s truly an amazing tribe!