In a nutshell, I've had MORE than my fair share of problems.  I've been homeless, had my first child while living in a women's shelter at age 19.  My parents were alcoholics and hit me, so I left home at 16.  I had decided when pregnant (and homeless) that I needed to start thinking about my future kiddo…. And make changes.  From there, I had gotten my first place… FINALLY!!  It was just my daughter and I. Things were looking up!  A while after moving into the apartment… I met who would become my first husband, my son's father. Things started wonderful, like a whirlwind romance.  I couldn't have asked for anyone better.  I even had to fight off the racist remarks, he was black and I, of course, white. Because of him having me move constantly, my mother had taken my daughter from me (another LONG story).  I had since given birth to my son.  I was working nearly three jobs to make ends meet, while my son's father did nothing.  He couldn't hold a job to save his life.  I had made a choice to go after my daughter… I had had enough of missing her like crazy and not being able to see her. I drove 45 min. to my mother's house… with a vengeance!

I pounded on her door and demanded my child… mom decided that wasn't going to happen, a lot was said, I was about to beat her senseless… when the cops showed up and arrested me.  I had a warrant!!!  To limit that story… that warrant was issued to me, not because I had done anything, but because I was in the same place my husband at the time was at, and was being accused.  Lovely.  I spent 8 days in jail… the LONGEST days of my life!!  I finally got released… and I was heated.  I found out that he had helped himself to two of my paychecks, all of my food stamps, and money my grandmother had sent to get me out of jail (he let me just stay in there!)….I am a vocal person.  If you cross me, you know it.  Well. I got home, and let him have it.  Little did I know that he had been on a crack binge (I had no clue he even used)… he came at me, choking the life from me (in front of my son who was about a year old). I managed to save my own life by grabbing a glass of Kool-Aid and busting it across his head, splitting it open.  I didn't grab anything but my son… and RAN.  I have NEVER looked back!!!  

From that moment, I decided NO MAN would EVER get the chance to touch me again, not like that, not ever.  Period.  I had dated a few guys that were complete asshats, who beat on me, I left.  It became a routine.  I began to feel so ugly, I mean, if I was pretty... guys wouldn't treat me like that, right?  My self esteem still suffers....  I don't understand how some can stay, I fought back every time and left after getting my hits in.  I had another child in 2005, he was about 5 months old when his father passed away unexpectedly…. That was the first time he'd ever said "DaDa".  I then met my second husband, we had a daughter, my last baby.  He was no good in the romance department, nor did he know how to make someone feel like they are worth something.  

I tried for 6 years to make that work, I did not want another failed marriage.  However…. It ended.  On my terms.  I couldn't ignore myself (or my kiddos) anymore.  I lost myself being married to him.  So with the divorce, I chose love.  I will always choose love.  I don't care how many times I hurt… it's love.  Through all my crap, and there's so much more I haven't shared, I have ALWAYS managed to raise my kids in such a way that they show and give respect, they show and give love, and they have not had to go without.  Their mother loves them and has fought a hell of a fight for them.  All of my past, helped make me who I am today.  I am a STRONG woman.  I don't need a man (though I have one that I love dearly), I deserve to be LOVED, I do not take any crap from anyone, there's no need to.  I am CREATIVE, I am REAL, I AM LOVE.  I have hurt physically, emotionally, mentally, I have had losses so great! 

 I am scarred, I have been bruised, I have bled, and while at times, I don't feel as though I'm beautiful… I have to know that I am, because of all I've gone through…. I am still here.  I am and have been beautifully broken, I am perfectly imperfect. I am a Beautiful Disaster…. And I choose LOVE.

Leave a comment

Please note: comments must be approved before they are published.

April 24, 2020