Amber's Story: My Mom Hoped I Was a Miscarriage.

Why am I a beautiful disaster?

When I was still in my mommy's tummy she got in trouble. She was 5 months pregnant with me. And when asked by the judge "to the best of your knowledge are you pregnant?" She said "no".  Why? Because she had two miscarriages between me and and my sister at 4 and 5 months. So she denied being pregnant so she can continue her task at hand.

Well it came back she knew she was pregnant with me. And she got in more trouble. She basically didn't want to give me a chance to be part of this world but didn't want to abort me either. How I look at it is - she was hoping it would be another miscarriage. Sad to say but that's how I feel.... 

Fast forward a few months before I was born - she told her cousin if they wanted me then they can have me.... the day I was born she held me and changed her mind ....when I was 3 and 4 she told them they could come get me. I moved back and forth every month for a year and a half between Michigan and Wisconsin (322 miles one way). Then they became my legal guardians before I turned 5.... at 5 yrs old I stayed in Michigan. 

During that time I was with my mom, she had a boyfriend who didn't like me very much (my mom disagrees but she was working 3 jobs and never around while he was always home from what I remember). His daughter a year and a half younger would come over on weekends and I wasn't allowed to do anything. I would be in the corner 7days a week for biting my nails, for having an accident, for having toys in my room that were his daughters.  She would leave them on purpose. She would also hurt herself on purpose to get me in trouble. She just wanted her dad's attention. Now that we are older I understand. 

He was also very abusive mentally and emotionally.

Between the two of us (his daughter and myself) he told me I was ugly.  "Nobody will ever love you" "if someone did love you they'll eventually leave too" "your own parents don't want you why would anyone else want you!" He would (like i said) put me in the corner he also kicked me through a room and a half at 3 yrs old because I left my room to use the bathroom after they said stay in my room. Once again my mom says it never happened.

When it came to his daughter he did basically the same thing after I moved away. Belittled her and called her names. One thing he told her was "I could never have a fat daughter...." and called her a cow. 

We both today at 23 and 25 have mentally imbedded that into our heads for years, because we were told so many times when we were little thats what we were thats what we are and we will always be... we run from relationships in fear he's right they will leave so we leave first!

Or we put up with the physical and mental abuse because thats what we were

taught as babies was ok. Between 5 and 17 me and her had no contact we lost each other thinking she never had to deal with what I did from her dad.. I learned other wise at 18 ... I kept all of this to myself until I graduated from high school in Michigan since I was five.

You would think the abuse would have stopped - nope. Bullies at school would call me names. Make fun of me for how I looked or acted. Family yes FAMILY would segregate me from the rest of the family making it known I wasn't welcome. Some also said things that would hurt like when I was little... even to this day as an adult some family members still tell me "how they really feel" after all these years.

I have 4 brothers and sisters and 4 step brothers and sisters. All back in Wisconsin with my parents. I'm the only one who was adopted out. And I'm the only one to graduate high school with a diploma, I'm the only one to go to college and get a degree. I'm the only one who doesn't have kids. Aside from the youngest.  

I'm 25 going on 26 and I still have flashbacks, memories and nightmares and the fear of losing the people I love because they will hate me or see i'm not good enough.  I have been in my best friends life for 8 years. Started dating the last two and a half years and I left because I felt like I was a problem and still feel like I was. I run from every relationship i've been in. However... I AM STRONG. I AM BEAUTIFUL despite how I look or feel I am. I am brave. I have scars from stretch-marks from being too "fat". I have invisible scars from the emotional and mental abuse. I have words burned into my brain since I was 3 and 4 yrs old.

Nobody should ever know and feel what I have. 

I AM SHATTERED. I AM BROKEN. HOWEVER I AM BEAUTIFUL.

I AM A BEAUTIFUL DISASTER...

Misz. Harley