Wendy's Story: Beautifully Broken
I am 43 years old, and I lost my infant son at birth to begin with. He was stillborn about 20 years ago, and every November, I struggle with wishing I had my son and with thinking it was a blessing in disguise. My son’s father was my first husband, and he was a verbally and emotionally abusive man. He controlled damn near every aspect of my life for almost a decade until I finally got the courage to leave when he started getting physically abusive to me. I had a friend who was willing to help me pack what I could in my car and drive away. He used to control what I ate, how much, when. Who I talked to, what I wore, how much I could spend, what I could do. It was like living in hell. I always wanted to ride a motorcycle, and my ex used to tell me I was too short and not coordinated enough to do that. Well, the joke is on him! I have been riding for about 8 years now, and I have an Indian Chieftain Darkhorse. I have spent the last 12 years of my life since leaving him working on being a stronger, more confident woman.
I still struggle to this day, but I also have a BD sister, Sondra, that has been a great support for me as well as me for her. She is going through her divorce from a controlling, emotionally & verbally abusive man herself, and her and I initially met because we both had BD clothing on and started talking. We became friends about 3 years ago and have become like sisters. I flew to Colorado to support her while she went through breast cancer surgery, and she has supported me in my emotional times.
BD represents all of us who have been handed shit hands in one way or another, and it encourages us to stand strong and proud of who we are. If it had not been for BD, I might not have one of my very best friends in my life.
My life has been a roller coaster of emotions and trials. Between losing my child, two divorces (the second husband cheated on me), and a sister that is just like my first ex-husband, I have learned to set boundaries and stick to them! I have grown in my own self-worth and even done a boudoir shoot!
My life is a constant battle of remembering my worth and staying positive. I have a very patient man in my life now that does love me for me, and I have to work every day to believe that he won’t do to me what has been done in the past. Sondra has become my BFB, Best Fucking Bitch, and Beautiful Disaster has been the connection between us. I had to include her in my blog photo, she's on the left and I'm on right!
I can’t choose just one favorite item, but my wallet is with me every day, so it reminds me to be strong and that I am not the only one out there that has traumas. I also have a tattoo that says Beautifully Broken because damn it…I may be broken in some ways and may never fully heal, but I am a beautiful woman who cares deeply and deserves to achieve my goals.
Thank you to Christina and BD for all they do! The inspiration that comes from all the different sets is amazing! My closet is full of BD apparel and Indian Motorcycle clothing!!!
Comments
Tracy said:
I am 52 yrs old and have shit luck with men. The one man I had found that finally loved me for me. Everybit of me flaws and all, passed away on March22, 2023. 20 days after my 51st birthday, 2 days after his 52nd birthday, and that not all, it was 4days shy of our 8 yr anniversary. We knew his heart had issues, he had a pacemaker. I found out approx. A wk after his death that when he had gone for his 6mnth check up on his heart on March 2 2023( my birthday) that he had been informed his heart was only working at 13percent with the pacemakers help and about 7percent on its own. He was told then that the likelihood that he would live out the next 12 months was less then 10percent. Yet instead of telling me he kept quiet cuz he planned to surprise me on our anniversary hugely by telling me he had alrdy planned out and paid for our wedding etc, by taking me on a sunset dinner cruise of the 1000islands in Ontario Canada that the wedding party, and Minister would be a part of, as would our family and friends. How did I discover this while going thru the paperwork for all household affairs, cuz he took care of that. I stumbled across an envelope address to me that said incase of my unexpected death please read as soon as you find this, and remember always my “little one” that was his pet name for me, I will always be by ur side watching over u, protecting u, but most importantly REMEMBER I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BEYOND TILL THE STARS STOP SHINING, AND AFTER EVEN IN THE TOTAL DARKNESS OF ETERNITY.
This message stopped me dead in my tracks, I made myself coffee, grabbed a smoke, and my favorite Squishmellow stuffy and TYBeanie stuffy from him and Sar on our bed to read the letter. He poured his heart out, and begged me to forgive him for not telling me but he wanted our wedding to go off with out the cloud of why is he REALLY DOING THIS ALL RIGHT NOW DOUBT, in my mind or any of our family and friends minds He swore he planned on telling me as soon as our honeymoon was over and we were back home. As u mite imagine I crumbled, I was decanted caught between being asked and crush as well as being mad as hell he jipped me outta making the most of those few last weeks with him.
This was the begging of my very quick spiral into depression, and self destruction. He was my world my life, I didn’t know how to go on. After 17yrs drug free I feel off the wagon so to speak, and picked up a method pipe. A drug far beyond any previous drugs I had done in my life, and I just wanted to die. No will or ambition to continue living. I wanted to be with him, and I was on a surefire path to ensure that happened.
I’m happy to say it did not, thanks in NO SMALL PART TO MY BESTIE, AND MY FURBABIES, ONE I PARTICULAR. ITS BEEN 15MNTHS AND 1 WK SINCE HIS DEATH, AND IM HAPPY TO SAY, IM NOW 5MNTHS CLEAN&SOBER, I’ve had my 1st grandchild, since,& my second is on the way due in mid September. I’m still trying everyday, but I also admit that most days I still can’t find the strength to get outta bed, I still suffer&want to die most days. But I’m still here.
Rebecca Hartmann said:
OMFG y’all…I’m a little over a week away from my divorce trial with the man who I thought would be by my side til death until I found out he was really a monster that’s now out to erase my existence. I was feeling so very defeated and then I found this site and you all have given me a renewed hope that maybe, just maybe, this monster might not succeed and truly be seen by everyone, for what he truly is. God bless your powerful messages that so many of us need in our darkest moments. Thank you so much for having the strength and resilience to rise above your pain and share your stories with us. In times of trauma and strife, it just feels so lonely and defeating and y’all have no idea how much a message like this can help us find our way outta the dark and light the way back to ourselves when it feels like we had nothing left. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I desperately needed this today. I hope you all find the calm, love, and light after the storm.
Jennifer said:
You are a very strong beautiful woman I think a lot of us to this day struggle but now we have an outlet to make our way through it. You take it day by day and you can do anything
Sheila said:
I lost my son when he was 22. I too have been in very abusive relationships. I swore off dating last 16 years. I got two motorcycles.. I’m forever broken. My son and hus gurlfripases in tragic carvwteck Christmas 2014. His friend hung himself after the funeral. Everyday isca battle. The roar of that bike gives me peace
Robin Van said:
You are one amazing chick! Inspiring and strong, don’t ever forget that. Thank you
Mary Ann said:
I too left a severely abusive husband. Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. Thank goodness for this tribe!
Blue Witch said:
That’s similar to part of my story. Thank you for being brave enough to share. Both of you beautiful ladies stay positive and wonderfully strong!
Lisa Hawk said:
Beautifully said. I can so so relate on many aspects as I have also had many people in my life who I trusted that have hurt me in such away as literally feeling like having my back stabbed. Yes I’m beautifully broken too. Thanks Beautiful Disaster clothing line. I feel such an amazing connection to you all.