Samantha's Story: Finally Found My Safe Place

I'm so interested in sharing my journey of my being a Beautiful Disaster 💖 I've always been able to fake confidence, but really I'm a disaster! PTSD, sexual abuse, manic disorder, unable to truly be happy or trust anyone enough to have any true friends. It's always been that way. Everyone who was supposed to protect me betrayed me, so you can imagine how hard it is to truly be able to have any kind of relationships. I was literally raised in fight or flight. I was never taught to just be a normal lil girl, teenager, etc. I was institutionalized. I was put out into society with no one to guide me as I grew up. I'm the loudest, funniest, most loving person you will ever meet, but only for a short time. It's a lie I've learned so you can't see who I really am. All my shame, abuse, drug abuse and the pain I've caused - the hearts I've hurt, not on purpose, it's just what I did. I was so angry at all the stuff that happened to me from ages 13 to 25. No one ever said, "Hey I love you" or "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas". Not one letter from so called family. Never. Then one day I was in Milpitas County jail in the hole! Reading AA book, the pastor came in and said your reading the wrong book! He handed me a Bible and said hold it to you and ask him to lead you to where you are to read and you will be set free from all your rage and shame. So I did. I told God, "How did you allow all that abuse to happen to me? How? Answer me please". I then opened the Bible and the verse I read (not verbatim) said you my child turned your face from me in anger, but I've always loved you for you are my child. He said I SAW WHAT WAS DONE TO YOU, DO NOT BE ANGERY OR SEEK REVENGE MY CHILD. I LOVE YOU. I SAW. I HEARD EVERYTHING AND ALL WHO HURT YOU BETRAYED YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO ME! I must of cried for 2 or 3 days. My anger was gone. My wanting revenge was gone. I started looking at women I wanted to be like, so I started mimicking them.  From makeup to hair styles, the way they walked even or held a fork! I'd like to say from a person with 22 felonies who literally didn't expect to live much longer, I began my Beautiful Disaster journey. I became a girl, then a young lady and then a women! I learned sex is not a business transaction - its a gift and I can say no. I was taught it's ok to smile with not just your mouth, but with your eyes. I'm now 50, a single mom and have a great life boyfriend who loves my Beautiful Disaster butt! And kids who I absolutely adore still working on believing they can truly love me back! I found Beautiful Disaster when I was scrolling on Facebook realizing that out of all my 200+ "friends" there was not one single person I could TALK to. Then, I saw your ad pop up. I clicked on it and I was so amazed I cried and realized I found my family - I'm not alone ANYMORE! I don't have to hide or fake it anymore! My favorite is YOU DON'T KNOW MY STORY! WOW. Thank you for doing what you do - I've finally found my safe place!