What makes me a Beautiful Disaster is trudging through the swamp of sadness, loneliness, feelings of self-destruction, and now being an example to others.  I believe I've made beauty out of the countless disastrous choices, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Pretty Bad Ass!

My life started with toddler sexual trauma from my grandfather. When I was good, I got bags of candy, that made me forget about what previously took place. Food was my 1st addiction; my grandpa went to jail and my second trauma happened, a burglary that resulted in my pregnancy at 13. She will be 30 in a few months (April 20th, 2024). I turned to food, yet again. After reaching 400lbs, I had gastric bypass. I realized I didn't have food to comfort me anymore, but that morphine felt good. I had many revisions and problems because the surgery was in its infancy. They don't even do the kind I had anymore. That meant morphine on tap. When I finally got out of the hospital, I had already lost almost 100lbs. I finally was feeling pretty. I had a bad opiate habit, and I watched the nurse enough to mainline it myself. I was losing everything; I went into treatment and met a guy. I never focused on getting better, just the attention I never got as an obese person. I got pregnant, I had a son with Down Syndrome. I was scared and knew I was up for a forever challenge, but I love that little guy. He needed open-heart surgery and I needed relief. I didn't think twice and relapsed. I was doing morphine but my connect was Soo sweet (😉) and told me he had something cheaper and just as good, you know, to help me out. 😂 It was heroin. I didn't bat an eye. He taught me how to cook it, and I went off running. I shot up next to my son's hospital bed, I shot up in weird bathrooms. I tried to hide it, but it caught up to me. When my son was home, his dad gave me an ultimatum, heroin or my son. I picked heroin and walked out the door with only the clothes on my back. I was homeless and happy that I didn't have to hide my addiction. I could care less who's bed I had to sleep in, or no bed. I was dope-sick; I knew where to go.

I went home after everyone was looking for me. My daughter lived with my mother. I asked where she was. I let her down countless times, using and drinking in front of her, why would she care anyway, but I still asked. My mom told me her dad found her. THE RAPIST?? They never put him in jail, family secrets and all. He found her after she was looking for me; she needed her mom. I was nowhere to be found. He lived in another state, turned his life around, had a family and a good job. She left... I decided I needed help for good. I needed to be present. I went to many detox centers, not wanting to go into treatment; I didn't want to stay for months at a time. After 7 times over 4 months (every few weeks), I decided to go into a live-in treatment center. I was there for 4 months and got the help I needed.

The things I've done to move closer to happiness are staying connected to the treatment center that put up with my bullshit and didn't give up on me. When I was dope-sick, shitting on myself crying for a fix, they tried to keep me comfortable. I am now a productive member of society; that makes me feel great!! Once upon a time, I went to college for accounting, had many good jobs. I just couldn't keep them. Now I am in Forensic Accounting. The third and most importantly, I'm present for my family and kids. I always saw them as an obstacle from getting high, not as something to cherish. I am happily present in all forms today.

What is your favorite Beautiful Disaster collection, past, or present and why? : My wallet, my Angel Winged wallet. #1 I pull it out everywhere and get asked where I got it. How cool it is. I get to identify as a beautiful disaster wherever I go. #2 I love that today I actually have money I earned legally to put in that wallet 😉 but I love sporting all my gear. I always wear them when I speak on panels in treatment centers.


ALLEGRA Bryan said:

Take care of ypu ,your children and you are a beautiful disaster and an inspiration to me

Donna Swain said:

Awesome come back thanks so much for sharing your story. You got this young lady. Your an inspiration to so many people.

Tammy said:

It is amazing to go from surviving to living isn’t it? Although opiates wasn’t my thing, alcohol and men were my thing. Woke up in many beds or brought these men into my home and put my kids at risk. I too was molested at a young age so it was normal to look for love in all the wrong places. I got clean and sober at 23 but for many years that’s all I did right. Still a relationship junkie except without alcohol I remembered everything! I remember feeling this darkness and like Satan had a grip on me like none other. The only way out was to throw my hands in the the air and say, “I can’t but He can.” I’m not religious by any means but I have a spiritual connection which dug me out of a grave so to speak. Today, I am still sober and have been for many years, I have learned to love myself flaws and all and I try my best each day to be better version of myself.
I found this brand about 5 years ago and have many articles of clothing. Ridiculous amount actually and although I’m not as broken as I was I wear my BD armor with pride and tell others about this company.
Much love my BD sister🥰

Lori Le Roy said:

Congratulations to you! Wow, you’re so strong & an amazing role model. I really admire & look up to you. Sounds like you had a very bad childhood & never healed from your abuse. I think you are a super hero! You definitely are a Beautiful Disaster & role model for all women. Congrats & God bless you. I wish you much continued happiness & success!🙏🥰

Teri said:

Thank you for sharing your story. You have experienced many traumas throughout your life, but yet you picked yourself up & got the help you needed. I am so proud of you for digging yourself out if the trenches. It must have taken a tremendous amount of strength & energy to get yourself where you are now. Your story is inspiring.
Oh, my favorite collection is “The Fire Inside.”

Smiley said:

I’m sorry you’ve been through all of that, but a beautiful ending; a true beautiful disaster. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m trying to write mine.

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March 28, 2024